MAN  IN 


tlBRARY 


SUSAN  CLEGG 

AND  A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 


Stories  by  Anne  Warner 


Susan   Clegg   and   Her   Friend   Mrs. 
Lathrop 

Susan    Clegg    and    Her    Neighbors' 
Affairs 

Susan  Clegg  and  a  Man  in  the  House 
The  Rejuvenation  of  Aunt  Mary 
A  Woman's  Will 


'He  is  a  trouble,  Mrs.  Lathrop.'  "     FRONTISPIECE.     (See  page  21.) 


Susan  Clegg 

And  a  Man  in  the  House 


BY 
ANNE  WARNER 

Author  of  "Susan  Clegg  and  her  Friend  Mrs.  Lathrop, 
"A  Woman's  Will,"  "The  Rejuvenation  of 
Aunt   Mary,"     "Seeing    France 
with  Uncle  John,"  etc. 


Illustrated  from  Drawings  by 
ALICE    BARBER    STEPHENS 


Boston 

Little,  Brown,  and  Company 
1907 


Copyright,  1906, 
BY  KATHARINE  N.  BIRDSALL 

Copyright,  1907, 
BY  THE  BUTTERICK  COMPANY,  LTD. 

Copyright,  1^07, 
BY  LITTLE,   BROWN,  AND  COMPANY 


All  rights  reserved 
Published  October,  1907 


GRIFFITH-STILLINGS  PRESS,   BOSTON,   MASS.,  U.S.A. 


CONTENTS 


CHAPTER  PAGE 

I.    MAN'S  PROPOSAL 1 

II.    ELIJAH  DOXEY  AND  His  LOCKED  Box    20 

III.  THE  FIRST  ISSUE  OF  THE  NEWSPAPER     32 

IV.  SETTLING  DOWN  AFTER  THE  HONEY- 

MOON   43 

V.  SUSAN  CLEGG'S  FULL  DAY      ....  64 

VI.  THE  EDITOR'S  ADVICE  COLUMN     .    .  85 

VII.  MRS.  MACY  AND  THE  CONVENTION    .  98 

VIII.   THE  BIENNIAL 113 

IX.  THE  FAR  EASTERN  TROPICS  ....  128 

X.  THE  EVILS  OF  DELAYED  DECEASE    .  142 

XL    THE  DEMOCRATIC  PARTY 156 

XII.  THE  TRIALS  OF  MRS.  MACY   ....  168 

XIII.  MONOTONY    OF    MINISTERIAL    MONO- 

LOGUES     200 

XIV.  ADVISABILITY  OF  NEWSPAPER  EXPOS- 

URES     212 

XV.   THE  TRIAL  OF  A  SICK  MAN  IN  THE 

HOUSE 223 

XVI.   THE  BEGINNING  OF  THE  END    .    .    .   235 

XVII.   AN  OLD-FASHIONED  FOURTH  ....   251 

XVIII.    CELEBRATING  INDEPENDENCE  DAY    .   261 

XIX.    EXIT  THE  MAN  OUT  OF  SUSAN  CLEGG'S 

HOUSE     ....  .   273 


LIST   OF   ILLUSTRATIONS 


"'HE  /s  A  TROUBLE,  MRS.  LATHROP,'"  Frontispiece 

PAGE 

'"A  LADY  COME  UP,  LOOKED  AT  MY  FLAG, 
AN*  ASKED  ME  IF  I  WAS  A  DELE- 
GATE OR  AN  ALTERNATIVE"  ....  119 

'"MRS.    MACY    WAS    JUST    ABOUT    PLUM 

PARALYZED  AT  THAT" 179 

"'THE  BOTTOM  COME  OUT  AN*  THE  DUCK 

FLEW  DOWN  THE  CAR*"  .    , 188 


Susan  Clegg 
And  a  Man  in  the  House 

CHAPTER  I 
MAN'S  PROPOSAL 

SUSAN  CLEGG  had  dwelt  alone  ever 
since  her  father's  death.  She  had  not 
been  unhappy  in  dwelling  alone,  although 
she  had  been  a  good  daughter  as  long  as 
she  had  a  parent  to  live  with.  When  the 
parent  departed,  and  indeed  some  few  days 
before  his  going,  there  had  arisen  a  kind 
of  a  question  as  to  the  possibility  of  a  life- 
companion  for  the  daughter  who  must 
inevitably  be  left  orphaned  and  lonely 
before  long.  The  question  had  arisen  in  a 
way  highly  characteristic  of  Miss  Clegg  and 
had  been  disposed  of  in  the  same  manner.* 
The  fact  is  that  Miss  Clegg  had  herself  pro- 

•  See  "  Susan  Clegg  and  her  Friend  Mrs.  Lathrop." 
1 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

posed  to  four  men  and  been  refused  four 
times.  Then  her  father  had  died,  and,  upon 
the  discovery  that  he  was  better  endowed 
with  worldly  wealth  than  folks  had  gener- 
ally supposed,  all  four  had  hastened  to 
bring  a  return  suit  at  once.  But  Miss 
Clegg  had  also  had  her  mind  altered  by  the 
new  discovery  and  refused  them  all.  From 
that  time  to  this  period  of  which  I  am  about 
to  write  there  had  never  been  any  further 
question  in  her  mind  as  to  the  non-advisa- 
bility of  having  a  man  in  the  house. 

"As  far  as  I  can  see,"  she  said  confiden- 
tially to  her  friend,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  who  lived 
next  door,  "men  are  not  what  they  are 
cracked  up  to  be.  There  ain't  but  one 
woman  as  looks  happy  in  this  whole  com- 
munity and  that's  Mrs.  Sperrit,  an'  she 
looks  so  happy  that  at  first  glance  she  looks 
full  as  much  like  a  fool  as  any  thin'.  The 
minister's  wife  don't  look  happy,  —  she 
looks  a  deal  more  like  some  thin'  a  cat  finds 
an'  lugs  home  for  you  to  brush  up,  —  an* 
goodness  knows  Mrs.  Fisher  don't  look 

2 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

happy  an'  she  ain't  happy  neither,  for  she 
told  me  herself  yesterday  as  since  Mr. 
Fisher  had  got  this  new  idea  of  developin' 
his  chest  with  Japanese  Jimmy  Jig-songs, 
an'  takin'  a  cold  plunge  in  the  slop  jar 
every  mornin',  that  life  had  n't  been  worth 
livin'  for  the  wall  paper  in  her  room.  She 
ain't  got  no  sympathy  with  chest  developin' 
an'  Japanese  jiggin'  an'  she  says  only  to 
think  how  proud  she  was  to  marry  the 
prize  boy  at  school  an'  look  at  what's  come 
of  it.  She  asked  me  if  I  hear  about  his 
goin'  to  town  the  other  day  an'  buyin'  a 
book  on  how  to  make  your  hair  grow  by 
pullin'  it  out  as  fast  as  it  conies  in,  an'  then 
gettin'  on  the  train,  an'  gettin'  to  readin' 
on  to  how  to  make  your  eyebrows  grow  by 
pullin'  them  out,  too,  an'  not  noticin'  that 
they'd  unhooked  his  car  an'  left  it  behind, 
until  it  got  too  dark  to  read  any  further — " 
"  Why,  what —  "  cried  Mrs.  Lathrop,  who 
was  the  best  of  listeners,  and  never  inter- 
jectional  except  under  the  highest  possible 
pressure  of  curiosity. 

3 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

"There  wasn't  nothin'  for  him  to  do 
except  to  put  his  thumb  in  at  the  place 
where  the  eyebrows  was,  an'  get  down  out 
of  the  car,  an'  then  she  told  me,  would  you 
believe  that  with  her  an'  John  Bunyan  in 
their  second  hour  of  chasin'  around  like  a 
pair  of  crazy  cockroaches  because  he  was  n't 
on  the  city  train  when  he  said  he'd  come, 
he  very  calmly  went  up  to  a  hotel  an'  took 
a  room  for  the  night?  An'  she  says  that 
ain't  the  worst  of  it  whatever  you  may 
think,  for  he  was  so  interested  in  the  book 
that  he  wanted  to  keep  right  on  readin',  an' 
as  the  light  was  too  high  an'  he  had  n't 
no  way  to  lower  it,  he  just  highered  him- 
self by  puttin'  a  rockin '-chair  (yes,  Mrs. 
Lathrop,  a  rockin '-chair!)  on  the  center 
table,  an'  there  he  sit  rockin'  an'  readin' 
until  he  felt  to  go  to  bed.  She  says, 
would  n't  that  drive  a  good  wife  right  out 
beside  her  own  mind?  To  think  of  a  man 
like  Mr.  Fisher  rockin'  away  all  night  on 
top  of  a  table  an'  .never  even  gettin'  a 
scare.  Why,  she  says  you  know  an'  I  know 

4 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

that  if  he'd  been  the  husband  of  a  poor 
widow  or  the  only  father  of  a  deserving 
family,  of  course  he'd  have  rocked  off  an' 
goodness  knows  what,  but  bein'  as  he  was 
her  husband  with  a  nice  life  insurance  an' 
John  Bunyan  wild  to  go  to  college,  he  needs 
must  strike  the  one  rocker  in  the  world  as  is 
hung  true,  an'  land  safe  an'  sound  in  her 
sorrowin'  arms  the  next  mornin'!  Oh 
my,  but  she  says,  the  shock  she  got! 
They  was  so  sure  that  some  thin'  had  hap- 
pened to  him  that  she  an'  John  had  planned 
a  little  picnic  trip  to  the  city  to  leave  word 
with  the  police  first  an'  visit  the  Zoological 
Gardens  after.  Well,  she  says,  maybe  you 
can  judge  of  their  feelin's  when  they  was 
waitin'  all  smiles  an'  sunshine  for  their 
train,  with  a  nice  lunch  done  up  under 
John's  arm,  an'  he  got  down  from  the  other 
train  without  no  preparation  a  tall.  She 
said  she  done  all  she  could  under  the  cir- 
cumstances, for  she  burst  out  cryin'  in 
spite  of  herself,  an'  cryin'  is  somethin'  as 
always  fits  in  handy  anywhere,  an'  then 

5 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

she  says  they  had  no  thin'  in  the  wide  world 
to  do  but  to  go  home  an'  explain  away  the 
hard-boiled  eggs  for  dinner  the  best  they 
could.  She  says  she  hopes  the  Lord '11  for- 
give her  for  He  knows  better  than  she  ever 
will  what  she  ever  done  to  have  Mr.  Fisher 
awarded  to  her  as  her  just  and  lawful 
punishment  these  last  five  and  twenty 
years;  an',  she  says,  will  you  only  think 
how  awful  easy,  as  long  as  he  got  on  the 
table  of  his  own  free  will  an'  without  her 
even  puttin'  him  up  to  it,  it  would  have 
been  for  him  to  of  rocked  off  an'  goodness 
knows  what.  She  says  she  is  a  Christian, 
an'  she  don't  wish  even  her  husband  any 
ill  wind,  but  she  did  frighten  me,  Mrs. 
Lathrop,  an'  I  wanted  to  speak  out  frank 
an'  open  to  you  about  it  because  a  man  in 
the  house  is  a  man  in  the  house,  an'  I  want 
to  take  men  into  very  careful  considera- 
tion before  I  go  a  step  further  towards 
lettin  one  have  the  right  to  darken  my 
doors  whenever  he  comes  home  to  bed  an' 
board  —  " 

6 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

Mrs.  Lathrop  quite  jumped  in  her  chair 
at  this  startling  finale  to  her  neighbor's 
talk  and  her  little  black  eyes  gleamed 
brightly. 

"  Bed  and  bo  —  "  she  cried. 

" He'll  have  father's  room,  if  I  take  him, 
of  course,"  said  Susan,  "but  I  ain't  sure 
yet  that  I'll  take  him.  You  know  all  I 
stood  with  father,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  an'  I  don't 
really  know  as  I  can  stand  any  more  sad 
memories  connected  with  that  room.  You 
know  how  it  was  with  Jathrop  yourself, 
too,  an'  how  happy  and  peaceful  life  has 
been  since  he  lit  out,  an'  I  ain't  sure  that  — 
My  heavens  alive !  I  forgot  to  tell  you  that 
Mr.  Dill  thought  he  saw  Jathrop  in  the 
city  when  he  was  up  there  yesterday ! ' ' 

"Saw  Ja — "  screamed  Mrs.  Lathrop. 
Jathrop  was  her  son  who  had  fled  from  the 
town  some  years  before,  his  departure 
being  marked  by  peculiarly  harrowing  cir- 
cumstances, and  of  whom  or  from  whom 
she  had  never  heard  one  word  since. 

"Mr.  Dill  wasn't  sure,"  said  Susan;  "he 
7 


SUSAN  CLEGO  AND 

said  the  more  he  thought  about  it  the  more 
sure  he  was  that  he  was  n't  sure  a  tall.  He 
saw  the  man  in  a  seed-office  where  he  went 
to  buy  some  seed,  an'  he  said  if  it  was 
Jathrop  he's  took  another  name  because 
another  name  was  on  the  office  door.  He 
said  what  made  him  think  as  it  was  Jathrop 
was  he  jumped  so  when  he  see  Mr.  Dill. 
Mr.  Dill  said  he  was  helpin'  himself  out  of 
a  box  of  cigars  an'  his  own  idea  was  as  he 
jumped  because  they  was  n't  his  cigars. 
Jathrop  give  Mr.  Dill  one  cigar  an'  when 
he  thanked  him  he  said, '  Don't  mention  it, ' 
an'  to  my  order  of  thinkin'  that  proves  as 
they  was  n't  his  cigars,  for  if  they  was  his 
cigars  why  under  heaven  should  he  have 
minded  Mr.  Dill's  mentionin'  it?  Mr.  Dill 
said  another  reason  as  made  him  think  as  it 
was  Jathrop  was  as  he  never  asked  about 
you,  —  but  then  if  he  was  n't  Jathrop  he 
naturally  would  n't  have  asked  about  you 
either.  Mr.  Dill  said  he  was  n't  sure,  Mr. 
Dill  said  he  was  n't  a  bit  sure,  Mr.  Dill 
said  it  was  really  all  a  mystery  to  him,  but 

8 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

two  things  he  could  swear  to,  an'  one  of 
those  was  as  this  man  is  a  full  head 
taller  than  Jathrop  an'  the  other  was  as 
he's  a  Swede,  so  I  guess  it 's  pretty  safe  not 
to  be  him." 

Mrs.  Lathrop  collapsed  limply.  Susan 
went  on  with  her  tale  as  calmly  as  ever. 

"You  see,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  it's  like  this.  I 
told  Mr.  Kimball  I  'd  think  it  over  an'  con- 
sult you  before  I  give  him  any  answer  a 
tall.  I  could  see  he  didn't  want  to  give 
me  time  to  think  it  over  or  to  consult  you 
for  fear  I'd  change  my  mind,  but  when 
you  ain't  made  up  your  mind,  changin'  it 
is  easy,  an'  I  never  was  one  to  hurry  my- 
self an'  I  won't  begin  now.  Hurryin'  leads 
to  swallowin'  fish-bones  an'  tearin'  yourself 
on  nails  an'  a  many  other  things  as  makes 
me  mad,  an'  I  won't  hurry  now  an'  I  won't 
hurry  never.  I  shall  take  my  own  time, 
an'  take  my  own  time  about  takin'  it,  too, 
an'  Mr.  Kimball  nor  no  other  man  need  n't 
think  he  can  ask  me  things  as  is  more  likely 
to  change  my  whole  life  than  not  to  change 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

it,  an'  suppose  I  'm  goin'  to  answer  him  like 
it  was  n't  no  greater  matter  than  a  sparrow 
hoppin'  his  tail  around  on  a  fence.  I 
ain't  no  sparrow  nor  no  spring  chicken 
neither  an'  I  don't  intend  to  decide  my 
affairs  jumpin'  about  in  a  hurry,  no,  not 
even  if  you  was  advisin'  me  the  same  as 
Mr.  Kimball,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  an'  you  know 
how  much  I  think  of  your  advice  even  if 
you  have  yet  to  give  me  the  first  piece  as 
lean  see  my  way  to  usin',  for  I  will  say  this 
for  your  advice,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  an'  that  is 
that  advice  as  is  easier  left  untook  than 
yours  is,  never  yet  was  given." 

Mrs.  Lathrop  opened  her  mouth  in  a 
feeble  attempt  to  rally  her  forces,  but  long 
before  they  were  rallied  Susan  was  off 
again: 

"  I  don't  know,  I  'm  sure,  whether  what 
I  said  to  Mr.  Kimball  in  the  end  was  wise 
or  not.  I  did  n't  say  right  out  as  I  would, 
but  I  said  I  would  maybe  for  a  little  while. 
I  thought  a  little  while  would  give  me  the 
inside  track  of  what  a  long  while  would  be 

10 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

pretty  sure  to  mean.  I  don't  know  as  it 
was  a  good  thing  to  do  but  it's  done  now, 
so  help  me  Heaven;  an'  if  I  can't  stand 
him  I  always  stand  by  my  word,  so  he'll 
get  three  months'  board  anyhow  an'  I'll 
learn  a  little  of  what  it  would  mean  to 
have  a  man  in  the  house." 

"A  man  in —  "  cried  Mrs.  Lathrop,  re- 
covering herself  sufficiently  to  illustrate  her 
mental  attitude  by  what  in  her  case  always 
answered  the  purposes  of  a  start. 

"That's  what  I  said,"  said  Susan,  "an' 
havin'  said  it  Mr.  Kimball  can  rely  on 
Elijah  Doxey's  bein'  sure  to  get  it  now." 

"Eli —  "  cried  Mrs.  Lathrop,  again  up- 
heaved. 

"Elijah  Doxey,"  repeated  Susan. 
"That's  his  name.  I  ain't  surprised  over 
your  bein'  surprised,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  'cause 
I  was  all  dumb  did  up  myself  at  first.  I 
never  was  more  dumb  or  more  did  up  since 
I  was  a  baby,  but  after  the  way  as  Mr. 
Kimball  sprung  shock  after  shock  on  me 
last  night  I  got  so  paralyzed  in  the  end 
that  his  name  cut  very  little  figger  beside 

11 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

our  havin'  a  newspaper  of  our  own,  right 
here  in  our  midst,  an'  me  havin'  the  editor 
to  board  an'  him  bein'  Mr.  Kimball's 
nephew,  an'  Mr.  Kimball  havin'  a  nephew 
as  was  a  editor,  an'  Mr.  Kimball's  nevei 
havin'  seen  fit  to  mention  the  fact  to  any 
of  us  in  all  these  many  years  as  we '  ve  been 
friends  on  an'  off  an'  us  always  buyin' 
from  him  whenever  we  was  n't  more  friends 
with  Mr.  Dill." 

"  I  nev  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  No,  nor  no  one  else  ever  heard  of  him 
neither.  The  first  of  it  all  was  when  he 
came  up  last  night  to  see  would  I  board 
him,  an'  of  course  when  I  understood  as  it 
was  me  as  was  goin'  to  have  to  take  him 
in  I  never  rested  till  I  knowed  hide  an' 
hair  of  who  I  was  to  take  in  down  to  the 
last  button  on  Job's  coat." 

"And  wh  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Well,  I  '11  teU  you  all  I  found  out  my- 
self;  an'  I  tell  you  I  worked  hard  findin' 
it  out  too,  for  Mr.  Kimball  is  no  windmill 
to  pump  when  it  comes  to  where  he  gets 

12 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

relations  from.  Seems,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  as 
he  had  a  sister  though  as  married  a  Doxey 
an'  that's  the  why  of  Elijah  Doxey.  Seems 
Elijah  is  so  smart  that  he'll  be  offered  a 
place  on  one  of  the  biggest  city  papers  in 
a  little  while,  but  in  the  mean  time  he's 
just  lost  the  place  that  he  did  have  on  one 
of  the  smallest  ones  an',  as  a  consequence, 
his  mother  thought  he'd  better  spend  this 
summer  in  the  country  an'  so  sent  him  up 
to  Mr.  Kimball.  Mr.  Kimball  said  ^e  really 
didn't  sense  all  it  meant  at  first  when 
Elijah  arrived  at  noon  yesterday  but  >e 
said  he  had  n't  talked  with  him  long  afore 
he  see  as  this  was  our  big  chance  'cause 
the  paper  as  Elijah  was  on  paid  him  off 
with  a  old  printin'  press,  an'  Mr.  Kimball 
says,  if  we  back  him  up,  we  can  begin 
right  now  to  have  a  paper  of  our  own  an* 
easy  get  to  be  what  they  call  a  'state  issue.' 
It 's  easy  seen  as  Mr.  Kimball  is  all  ready  to 
be  a  state  issue;  he  says  the  printin'  press 
is  a  four  horse-power  an'  he's  sure  as  he 
can  arrange  for  Hiram  Mullins  to  work  the 

13 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

wringer  the  day  he  goes  to  press.  Mr. 
Kimball  says  he's  positive  that  Hiram '11 
regard  it  as  nothin'  but  child's  play  to 
wring  off  his  grocery  bill  that  way.  I  don't 
know  what  Gran 'ma  Mullins  will  say  to 
that  —  or  Lucy  either  for  that  matter  — 
but  Mr.  Kimball 's  so  sure  that  he  knows 
best  that  I  see  it  was  n't  no  time  to  pull 
Gran 'ma  Mullins  an'  Lucy  in  by  the  ears. 
Mr.  Kimball  says  he's  been  turnin'  it  over 
in  his  mind's  eye  ever  since  yesterday  when 
he  first  see  Elijah.  He  says  Elijah  is  just 
mad  with  ideas  an'  says  he  's  willin'  to 
make  us  known  far  an'  wide  if  we'll  only 
give  him  a  chance.  Mr.  Kimball  says  we 
all  ought  to  feel  ready  to  admit  that  it's 
time  we  was  more  than  a  quarter  of  a 
column  a  week  in  the  Meadville  Mixture. 
He  says  the  Meadville  Mixture  ain't  never 
been  fair  to  us  an'  Judge  Fitch  says  it 
ain't  got  right  views  as  to  its  foreign  policy. 
Mr.  Kimball  says  that  after  Elijah  went 
back  to  town  yesterday  afternoon  he  went 
up  to  Judge  Fitch's  office  an'  Judge  Fitch 

14 


A  MAN   IN  THE  HOUSE 

said  if  we  had  a  paper  of  our  own  he'd  be 
more  than  willin'  to  write  a  editorial  occa- 
sionally himself,  a  editorial  as  would  open 
the  president's  eyes  to  the  true  hiddenness 
of  things,  an'  set  the  German  emperor  to 
thinkin',  an'  give  the  czar  some  insight 
into  what  America  knows  about  him. 

"Mr.  Kimball  says  this  is  the  day  of 
consolidation  an'  if  we  had  a  paper  the 
Cherry  Ponders  an'  all  the  Clightville 
people 'd  naturally  join  in  an'  take  it  too. 
He  says  he's  figured  that  if  he  can  start 
out  with  a  hundred  paid-up  subscribers  of 
a  dollar  each  he  can  make  a  go  of  it.  He 
says  Elijah  says  set  him  up  the  press  an' 
he  don't  ask  no  better  fun  than  to  live  on 
bread  an'  water  while  he  jumps  from  peak 
to  peak  of  fame,  but  Mr.  Kimball  says 
Elijah's  young  an'  limber  an'  he  shall  want 
the  paid-up  subscriptions  himself  afore  he 
begins  to  transport  a  printin'  press  around 
the  country. 

"I  told  him  he  could  count  on  you  an' 
me  takin'  one  between  us  before  I  knowed 

15 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

what  was  really  the  main  object  of  his 
visit,  an'  then  when  he  come  out  with 
what  was  the  main  object  of  his  visit,  an' 
when  I  sensed  what  he  was  after  I  must 
say  I  considered  as  he  should  have  made 
that  his  first  word  an'  give  me  my  paper 
for  no  thin', — seein'  as  the  whole  of  the  thing 
is  got  to  rest  right  on  me,  for  I  don't  know 
what  is  the  bottom  of  a  newspaper  if  it 
ain't  the  woman  as  boards  the  editor. 
Yes,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  that's  my  view  in  a 
nutshell,  the  more  so  as  Mr.  Kimball 
openly  says  as  Elijah  Doxey  says  he's  a 
genius  an'  can't  live  in  any  house  where 
there's  other  folks  or  any  noise  but  his 
own.  Mr.  Kimball  said  it  seemed  as  if  a 
good  angel  had  made  me  for  the  town  to 
turn  to  in  its  bitter  need  an'  that  it  was 
on  me  as  the  new  newspaper  would  have 
to  build  its  reputation  in  its  first  sore 
strait;  an'  he  said  too  as  he  would  in  con- 
fidence remark  as  my  influence  on  Elijah's 
ideas  would  be  what  he  should  be  really 
lookin'  to  to  make  the  paper  a  success,  for 

16 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

he  says  as  Elijah  is  very  young  an'  will 
be  wax  in  my  hands  an'  I  can  mold  him 
an'  public  opinion  right  along  together. 
He  said  he  really  did  n't  look  for  him  to  be 
any  great  trouble  to  feed  because  he'd  be 
out  pickin'  up  items  most  of  the  time,  an' 
then  too,  he  says  he  can  always  give  him 
a  handful  of  his  new  brand  of  dried  apples 
as  is  advertised  to  be  most  puffin'  an' 
fillin';  why,  do  you  know,  Mrs.  Lathrop, 
he  told  me  as  he'd  developed  the  process 
now  to  where  if  you  eat  two  small  pieces 
you  feel  like  you  never  wanted  another 
Thanksgivin'  dinner  as  long  as  you  live." 

"  And  so  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop  eagerly, 
Susan  pausing  an  instant  for  breath  just 
here. 

"Well,  in  the  end  I  said  I  would,  for 
three  months.  I  don't  know  as  I  was 
wise,  but  I  thought  it  was  maybe  my  duty 
for  three  months.  I'm  tired  of  seein'  the 
Clightville  folks  called  'Glimpses'  an'  us 
called  'Dabs'  in  that  Meadville  Mixture, 
an'  last  week  you  remember  how  they 

17 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

spelt  it  wrong  an'  called  us  'Dubs,'  which 
is  far  from  my  idea  of  politeness.  It  was 
being  mad  over  that  as  much  as  any  thin' 
that  made  me  up  an'  tell  Mr.  Kimball  as 
I'd  take  Elijah  an'  take  care  of  him  an' 
look  to  do  what  I  could  to  make  the  paper 
a  success  for  three  months.  I  told  him 
as  it  was  trustin'  in  the  dark,  for  Elijah 
was  a  unknown  quantity  to  me  an'  I  never 
did  like  the  idea  of  a  man  around  my  nice, 
clean  house,  but  I  said  if  he'd  name  the 
Meadville  items  the  'Mud  Spatters'  an'  so 
get  even  for  our  feelin's  last  week  I'd  do 
my  part  by  feedin'  him  an'  makin'  up  his 
bed  mornin's.  Mr.  Kimball  said  I  showed 
as  my  heart  an'  my  brains  was  both  in  the 
right  place,  an'  then  he  got  up  an'  shook 
hands  an'  told  me  as  he  would  in  confidence 
remark  as  he  expected  to  make  a  very  good 
thing  all  round  for  he  was  gettin'  the 
printin'  press  awful  cheap  and  Elijah  like- 
wise." 

"When—?"  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Next  Wednesday.  Elijah's  comin'  up 
18 


A  MAN   IN  THE   HOUSE 

freight  with  the  printin'  press.  Mr.  Kim- 
ball  says  he  suggested  that  himself.  He 
says  it  cuts  two  birds  with  one  knife  for  it 
makes  it  look  as  if  the  printin'  press  was 
extra  fine  instead  of  second-hand,  an'  it 
gets  Elijah  here  for  nothin'." 

"Dear-    "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"I  would,  too,"  said  Miss  Clegg,  "only 
you  see  I  have  n't  got  time.  I  ought  not 
to  be  here  now.  I  ought  to  be  over  get- 
tin'  his  room  ready  an'  takin'  out  the  little 
comforts.  As  far  as  my  order  of  thinkin' 
goes,  little  comforts  is  lost  on  men,  Mrs. 
Lathrop,  they  always  trip  over  them  an' 
smash  them  in  the  dark." 


19 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 


CHAPTER  II 

ELIJAH  DOXEY  AND  HIS  LOCKED  BOX 

:'TT7ELL,"  suggested  Mrs.  Lathrop  one 
V  V  pleasant  Saturday  morning,  a  few 
days  later,  when  she  and  her  friend  met 
at  the  fence.  Miss  Clegg  looked  slightly 
fretted  and  more  than  slightly  warm,  for 
she  had  been  giving  her  garden  an  uncom- 
monly vigorous  weeding  on  account  of  an 
uncommonly  vigorous  shower  which  had 
fallen  the  afternoon  before.  The  weeding 
had  been  so  strenuous  that  Miss  Clegg  was 
quite  disposed  to  stop  and  rest,  and  as  she 
joined  her  neighbor  and  read  the  keen 
interest  that  never  failed  to  glow  in  the 
latter 's  eyes,  her  own  expression  softened 
slightly  and  she  took  up  her  end  of  the 
conversation  with  her  customary  capabil- 
ity at  giving  forth. 

20 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

"I  don't  know,"  she  began,  "an'  Mr. 
Kimball  don't  know  either.  Elijah  was 
tellin'  me  all  about  it  last  night.  He  is  a 
trouble,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  but  I  don't  know 
but  what  it  pays  to  have  a  man  around 
when  you  can  have  them  to  talk  to  like 
I  have  him.  Of  course  a  new  broom 
sweeps  clean  an'  I've  no  intention  of  sup- 
posin'  that  Elijah  will  ever  keep  on  cover- 
in'  his  soap  an'  scrapin'  his  feet  long,  but 
so  far  so  good,  an'  last  night  it  was  real 
pleasant  to  hear  the  rain  an'  him  together 
tellin'  how  much  trouble  they're  havin', 
owin'  to  Hiram's  bein'  too  energetic 
wringin'  the  handle  of  the  printin'  press 
an'  then  to  think  as  when  he  was  all  done 
talkin'  it  would  be  him  an'  not  me  as  in 
common  decency  would  have  to  go  out  in 
the  wet  to  padlock  the  chickens.  Seems, 
Mrs.  Lathrop,  as  they're  really  havin'  no 
end  o'  trouble  over  the  new  paper  an' 
Elijah's  real  put  out.  He  says  Hiram  had 
a  idea  as  the  more  the  speed  the  better 
the  paper  an'  was  just  wringin'  for  dear 
21 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

life,  an'  the  first  thing  he  knew  the  first 
issue  begin  to  slide  a  little  cornerways  an' 
slid  off  into  a  crank  as  Elijah  never  knowed 
was  there,  an'  him  an'  Mr.  Kimball  spent 
the  whole  of  yesterday  runnin'  around  like 
mad  an'  no  way  to  fix  it.  As  a  conse- 
quence Elijah's  very  much  afraid  as 
there'll  be  no  paper  this  week  an'  it's  too 
bad,  for  every  one  is  in  town  spendin'  the 
day  an'  waitin'  to  take  it  home  with  them. 
Young  Dr.  Brown  is  goin'  to  feel  just 
awful  'cause  he'd  bought  twenty-five 
papers  to  mail  to  all  his  college  class. 
There  was  goin'  to  be  a  item  about  him, 
an'  Mrs.  Brown  says  it  was  goin'  to  be  a 
good  one  for  she  fed  Elijah  mince  pie  while 
he  made  his  notes  for  it  an'  had  Amelia 
play  on  her  guitar,  too." 

"  What  do  you  — ?  "  began  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Well,  I  can't  say  as  I  really  know  what 
to  think  of  him  just  yet.  I  never  see  such 
a  young  man  afore.  He  has  some  very 
curious  ways,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  ways  as  make 
me  feel  that  I  can't  tell  you  positively 
22 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

what  I  do  think.  Now  yesterday  was  the 
first  day  as  I  knowed  he'd  be  gone  for 
long,  so  I  took  it  to  go  through  all  his 
things,  an'  do  you  know,  away  down  at 
the  bottom  of  one  of  his  trunks  I  found  a 
box  as  was  locked  an'  no  key  anywhere. 
Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  I  hunted,  an'  I  hunted, 
an'  I  hunted,  an'  I  couldn't  find  that  key 
a  tall.  I  never  had  any  thin'  of  that  kind 
in  my  house  afore  an'  of  course  I  ain't 
goin'  to  give  up  without  a  good  deal  more 
lookin',  but  if  I  can't  find  that  key  it'll 
prove  beyond  a  shadow  of  a  doubt  as 
Elijah  Doxey  ain't  of  a  trustin'  nature  an' 
if  that's  true  I  don't  know  how  I  ever 
will  be  able  to  get  along  with  him.  A 
trustin'  nature  is  one  thing  to  have  around 
an'  a  distrustin'  nature  is  another  thing, 
an'  I  can  tell  you  that  there's  some  thin' 
about  feelin'  as  you  ain't  trusted  as  makes 
me  take  my  hands  right  out  of  my  bread 
dough  an'  go  straight  upstairs  to  begin 
lookin'  for  that  key  again.  The  more  I 
hunt  the  wilder  I  get,  for  it 's  a  very  small 
23 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

box  for  a  man  to  keep  locked,  an'  it  ain't 
his  money  or  jewelry  for  it  don't  rattle 
when  you  shake  it.  It's  too  bad  for  me 
to  feel  so  because  in  most  other  ways  he's 
a  very  nice  young  man,  although  I  will  say 
as  sunset  is  midnight  compared  to  his  hair." 

"Do  —  "  began  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Then  too,  he  said  yesterday,"  Miss 
Clegg  continued,  "as  he  wanted  it  dis- 
tinctly understood  as  his  things  was  never 
to  be  touched  by  no  one  an'  I  told  him  as 
he  could  freely  an'  frankly  rely  on  me. 
Now  that's  goin'  to  make  it  a  great  deal 
more  work  to  hunt  for  that  key  from  now 
on.  An'  I  don't  like  to  have  it  made  any 
harder  work  to  find  a  thing,  as  I  have  n't 
found  yet  a  tall.'1 

"  Wh  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Not  me,"  said  Miss  Clegg;  "I  ain't  got 
any  give-up  in  me.  I'll  keep  on  until  I 
find  it  if  I  have  to  board  Elijah  Doxey  till 
he  dies  or  till  I  drop  dead  in  my  huntin' 
tracks.  But  I  can  see  that  my  feelin' 
towards  him  is  n't  goin'  to  be  what  it 
24 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

might  of  been  if  he'd  been  frank  an'  open 
with  me  as  I  am  with  him  an'  every  one 
else.  He  seems  so  frank  an'  open,  too  — 
in  other  ways  than  that  box.  He  read  his 
editorial  aloud  night  afore  last  an'  I  must 
say  it  showed  a  real  good  disposition  for 
he  even  wished  the  president  well  although 
he  said  as  he  knowed  he  was  sometimes 
goin'  to  be  obliged  to  maybe  be  a  little 
bit  hard  on  him.  He  said  as  plain  speakin' 
an'  to  the  purpose  'd  be  the  very  breath 
an'  blast  of  the  Megaphone  an'  he  should 
found  it  on  truth,  honor  an'  the  great 
American  people,  an'  carry  Judge  Fitch 
to  congress  on  them  lines.  I  thought  as 
Judge  Fitch  would  object  to  goin'  to  con- 
gress on  any  lines  after  all  he's  said  about 
what  he  thought  of  congress  in  public, 
but  Elijah  says  a  new  paper  must  have  a 
standard,  an'  he  asked  Judge  Fitch  if  he 
minded  being  nailed  to  ours,  an'  the  judge 
said  he  didn't  mind  nothin'  these  degen- 
erate days,  so  Elijah  just  up  with  him." 
"  Did  you  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 
25 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

"See  Mrs.  Macy?--yes,  I  see  her  in  the 
square  yesterday  noon.  She  was  just  back 
from  Meadville.  She  says  the  editor  of 
the  Meadville  Mixture  is  awful  bitter 
over  our  havin'  a  paper  of  our  own,  an' 
says  he'll  cross  tinfoils  with  Elijah  any 
day.  I  told  Elijah  what  she  said  last  night, 
but  Elijah  didn't  mind.  I  hoped  tellin' 
him'd  take  his  appetite  away,  but  he  ate 
eleven  biscuits  just  the  same.  That  re- 
minds me  as  he's  comin'  home  to  dinner 
to-day,  an'  I  ought  to  be  goin'  in." 

"Goo  -    "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  But  I'll  come  over  after  he  goes  an' 
tell  you  how  the  paper's  comin'  out,"  Su- 
san added,  as  she  turned  from  the  fence; 
and  as  she  was  always  true  to  her  promises 
she  did  come  over  to  Mrs.  Lathrop 's  kitchen 
after  dinner,  wearing  a  clean  apron  and  a 
new  expression  —  an  expression  of  mixed 
doubt  and  displeasure. 

Mrs.  Lathrop  hurried  to  give  her  a  chair 
and  make  her  welcome,  and  then  took  a 
chair  herself  and  sat  at  attention. 
26 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

Susan  began  at  once. 

"Well,"  she  said,  "it's  a  good  thing  as 
the  Fishers  are  thinkin'  some  of  sendin' 
John  Bunyan  to  college,  for  he's  surely  a 
sight  too  smart  for  this  town." 

Mrs.  Lathrop  opened  her  eyes  in  wide 
surprise,  as  it  was  certainly  not  about  John 
Bunyan  that  she  had  expected  to  hear  tales. 

"Elijah  says  as  John  Bunyan  made 
them  all  feel  pretty  cheap  down  at  the 
printin'  press  this  mornin',"  Miss  Clegg 
went  on:  "seems  the  whole  community 
was  squeezin'  into  the  back  of  Mr.  Kim- 
ball's  store  to  see  what  under  the  sun 
could  be  done  to  get  the  first  paper  out  of 
the  press,  when  all  of  a  sudden  John  Bun- 
yan spoke  up  an'  asked  why  they  didn't 
turn  the  handle  backward  an'  empty  the 
whole  muss  out  that  way.  Well,  every 
one  see  the  sense  of  what  he  said  right  off, 
an'  so  they  began,  an'  as  soon  as  they 
began  to  turn  the  crank  backward  the 
paper  began  to  come  out  backward,  tore, 
of  course,  but  as  nice  as  pie. 
27 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

"Well,  Elijah  says  he  most  thought  his 
uncle  was  goin'  to  take  his  job  as  editor 
away  and  give  it  to  John  Bunyan  right  off, 
he  was  so  pleased.  But  Mr.  Kimball  ain't 
the  sort  of  uncle  as  Elijah  so  far  supposes 
himself  to  of  got,  an'  he  only  give  John 
Bunyan  fifty  cents'  worth  of  soda  water 
tickets,  an'  they're  to  work  to-night  (if 
Lucy '11  let  Hiram),  an'  have  the  paper 
ready  for  church  to-morrow.  The  Jilkins 
an'  Sperrits  was  a  little  disapp'inted  'cause 
they  was  n't  comin'  in  to  church,  count  in' 
on  stay  in'  home  an'  readin'  the  paper  all 
day  instead,  but  Elijah's  goin'  to  put  in  a 
late  column  of  late  news  an'  give  'em  their 
money's  worth  that  way.  Mr.  Kimball 
had  arranged  to  have  one  whole  column  of 
Ks  to  draw  attention  to  his  dried  apples, 
an'  he's  goin'  to  give  it  up  for  the  occasion 
an'  let  Elijah  write  a  Extra  about  the  cause 
of  the  delay,  for  that's  really  all  the  late 
news  there  is.  Then,  too,  Elijah's  goin'  to 
have  a  joke  about  the  paper's  comin'  in 
among  us  like  a  man  goes  into  politics, 
28 


f 


A  MAN   IN  THE   HOUSE 

kind  of  slidin'  an'  turnin'  this  way  an' 
that,  an'  I  must  say  I  begin  to  find  some 
of  Elijah's  ideas  pretty  bright.  But  my 
mind's  taken  a  new  turn  on  his  subjeck 
from  what  he  said  at  dinner,  an'  I  will 
admit,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  as  I  see  now  as  I 
misjudged  him  in  one  way,  for  he  come 
an'  asked  me  while  I  was  washin'  up  if  I 
knowed  any  way  to  open  a  locked  box 
without  a  key,  for  he  could  n't  find  the  key 
to  his  flute  box  nowhere,  an'  when  he  was 
a  little  nervous  nights  he  always  wore  it 
off  practisin'  on  his  flute.  Well,  Mrs. 
Lathrop,  you  can  maybe  imagine  as  learn- 
in'  as  there  was  a  flute  in  that  box  an' 
the  key  lost,  an'  him  in  the  habit  of  play  in' 
that  flute  nights,  altered  my  views  more  'n 
a  little,  an'  I  can  tell  you  that  I  had  to 
think  pretty  fast  afore  answerin'  him. 
While  I  was  thinkin'  he  said  he  hadn't 
played  since  he  was  here,  an'  he  was  get- 
tin'  so  wild  to  play  he  thought  the  best 
way  would  be  to  maybe  pry  the  lock  open. 
I  see  then  as  I  'd  got  to  come  out  firm  an' 
29 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

I  said  I'd  never  consent  to  no  young  man 
in  my  house,  spoilin'  a  good  box  like  that 
an'  maybe  a  fine  flute  too,  just  because  he 
had  n't  got  a  little  patience.  He  said  I 
was  right  about  its  being  a  fine  flute,  an' 
he  was  just  achin'  to  hear  it  an'  blow  it. 
I  told  him  to  let  me  hunt  an'  maybe  I'd 
find  the  key,  an'  so  he  went  off  some 
soothed,  an'  now  the  Lord  have  mercy  on 
you  an'  me,  for  Elijah  Doxey  never  will 
from  this  day  on.  Will  you  only  think 
of  him  bein'  nervous  an'  play  in'  nights! 
It'll  be  worse  than  a  tree- toad  an'  you 
know  what  a  tree- toad  is,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  - 
I  declare  to  goodness  if  Elijah  acts  like  a 
tree- toad  he'll  drive  me  stark,  ravin'  mad." 

"Ca-    "  suggested  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  I  don't  see  how  I  can,"  said  Miss  Clegg, 
dubiously.  "  I  shall  do  my  best,  but,  oh 
my,  a  young  man  as  is  a  editor  an'  has 
red  hair  an'  a  flute  is  awful  uncertain  to 
count  on.  I  almost  wish  I  hadn't  took 
him." 

"  Why  --  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 
30 


A  MAN   IN  THE  HOUSE 

"I  can't  now,"  said  Miss  Clegg,  "the 
arrangements  of  this  world  is  dreadful  hard 
on  women.  It 's  very  easy  to  take  a  man 
into  your  house  but  once  a  woman  has  done 
it  an'  the  man's  settled,  nobody  but  a 
undertaker  can  get  him  out  in  any  way  as 
is  respectable  accordin'  to  my  order  of 
thinkin'." 

"  But  you  -  '  suggested  Mrs.  Lathrop, 
comfortingly. 

"  I  know,  but  even  three  months  is  a 
long  time,"  said  Miss  Clegg,  "an'  he's 
begun  to  leave  his  soap  uncovered  already, 
an'  oh  my  heavens  alive,  how  am  I  ever 
goin'  to  stand  that  flute!" 


31 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 


CHAPTER  III 

THE   FIRST    ISSUE   OF   THE   NEWSPAPER 

"T'LL  tell  you  what,  Mrs.  Lathrop,"  said 
A  Miss  Clegg  the  next  Monday  after- 
noon, "  I  ain't  goin'  to  stay  here  so  late  but 
what  I  go  home  in  time  to  make  Elijah 
something  hot  an'  comfortin'  for  supper 
to-night.  I  ain't  any  one  to  take  sides, 
but  I  will  say  that  my  heart  has  gone  out 
to  that  poor  young  man  ever  since  I  was 
down  in  the  square  this  mornin'.  I  felt  to 
be  real  glad  as  he'd  took  to-day  to  go 
up  to  the  city,  for  I  must  say  I'd  of  felt 
more'n  a  little  sorry  for  him  if  he'd  heard 
folks  expressin'  their  opinion  about  his  first 
paper." 

"  Did  he  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Yes,  he  went  to-day,"  said  Miss  Clegg. 
"  He  went  on  the  early  train  an'  one  of  the 
32 


A  MAN   IN  THE  HOUSE 

joys  of  havin'  a  man  in  the  house  was  as  I 
had  to  be  up  bright  an'  early  to  get  him 
his  breakfast.  I  must  say  I  never  thought 
about  his  wantin'  early  breakfast  when  I 
agreed  to  take  him,  but  I'm  not  one  to 
refuse  to  feed  even  a  editor,  so  I  cooked 
him  cakes  just  the  same  as  I  would  any 
one  else." 

"  Why  --  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Well,  I  guess  maybe  he  heard  things 
yesterday  as  made  him  feel  as  it'd  be  just 
as  well  to  let  folks  have  time  to  sizzle  down 
some  afore  they  looked  on  his  bright  an' 
shinin'  face  again.  I  tell  you  what,  Mrs. 
Lathrop,  I  can  see  as  runnin'  a  newspaper 
ain't  an  easy  thing  an'  the  town  is  really 
so  up  in  arms  to-day,  that  I  really  would 
of  made  waffles  for  Elijah  to  eat  instead  of 
just  plain  cakes,  if  I  'd  knowed  when  he  got 
up  how  mad  every  one  was  at  him.  I  can 
see  since  IVe  been  down  town  to-day  as 
the  square  was  n't  likely  to  have  been  no 
bed  of  roses  for  him  yesterday.  The  whole 
community  is  mad  as  hornets  over  the 
33 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

paper.  Why,  I  never  see  folks  so  mad 
over  nothin'  before.  Nobody  likes  his  put- 
tin'  his  own  name  right  under  the  paper's, 
an'  Dr.  Brown  says  the  editor  belongs  on 
the  inside,  anyhow.  Dr.  Brown's  most 
awful  mad  'cause  Elijah's  put  his  item 
right  in  with  the  advertisement  of  Lydia 
Finkham,  an'  he  says  he  ain't  nothin'  as 
pretends  to  cure  any  thin'  or  everybody. 
He  says  he's  a  regular  doctor  as  you  have 
to  take  regular  chances  with  an'  he  feels 
like  suin'  Elijah  for  slander.  Gran'ma 
Mullins  is  mad,  too,  'cause  she  was  put  in 
the  personals  an'  Elijah  went  an'  called 
her  the  'Nestor  of  the  crick,'  without 
never  so  much  as  askin'  by  her  leave.  She 
says  she  ain't  never  done  nothin'  with  the 
crick,  an'  if  she  ever  nested  anywhere  it 
was  in  her  own  owned  an'  mortgaged 
house.  Hiram  says  he'll  punch  Elijah  if 
he  ever  refers  to  his  mother's  nestin'  again, 
an'  I  guess  Hiram  feels  kind  of  sore  over 
Elijah's  talkin'  of  his  mother's  nestin'  when 
all  the  town  knows  how  much  he  wishes 
34 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

as  Lucy'd  settle  down  and  nest  awhile 
instead  of  keepin'  'em  all  so  everlastin'ly 
churned  up.  Mrs.  Macy  told  me  this 
mornin'  as  Lucy's  white washin'  the  garret 
this  week;  she  see  the  brush  goin'  'round 
an'  'round  the  window  on  her  side  —  she 
says  it  makes  her  bones  ache  just  to  live 
next  door  to  Lucy's  ways.  She  says 
they're  so  different  from  Gran'ma  Mullins' 
ways.  Gran'ma  Mullins  had  n't  had  no 
whitewash!  n'  done  in  twenty  years  —  not 
since  she  rented  the  cottage  of  father. 
That 's  true  an'  I  know  it 's  true  too  because 
she's  been  askin'  an'  askin'  me  to  have  it 
done  an'  I  said  not  by  no  means  —  so 
she's  left  off." 

"  Did  —  ?  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  The  Jilkinses  is  real  mad  over  the  paper, 
too,"  Susan  continued.  "Seems  as  Elijah 
went  an'  called  'em  the  'Chirpy  Cherry 
Ponders,'  an'  Mrs.  Jilkins  says  where  he 
got  the  idea  as  either  of  'em  ever  chirped 
in  their  lives  she  cannot  conceive,  for  Mr. 
Jilkins  ain't  so  much  as  peeped  a  good 

35 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

part  of  the  time  since  they  were  married 
an'  she  says  as  for  being  chirpy,  she  looks 
upon  the  word  as  city  slang.  But  Judge 
Fitch  is  about  the  maddest  of  all!  I 
didn't  read  what  Elijah  said  about  him 
but  every  one  else  did,  an'  he  says  he  was 
willin'  to  run  for  congress  for  the  good  of 
his  country,  but  to  put  him  up  in  a  edi- 
torial as  says  he'll  be  proud  to  come  back 
from  Washington  as  poor  as  he  goes  there, 
is  a  very  poor  way  to  put  heart  into  any 
man's  contest.  He  says  if  he 's  got  to  come 
back  from  Washington  as  poor  as  he  goes 
he  can't  see  no  good  an'  sufficient  reason 
for  goin'  a  tall,  for  he  won't  gain  nothin' 
an'  will  be  out  his  car  fare  there  an'  back. 
He  says  he  never  heard  of  no  one  comin' 
back  from  Washington  as  poor  as  they 
went  before,  an'  it  was  a  thing  as  he  sup- 
posed could  n't  be  done  till  he  found  Elijah 
had  booked  him  to  do  it.  He  says  if  that 's 
what  he's  to  up  an'  teach  his  country,  he 
don't  thank  Elijah  for  advertisin'  him  as 
any  such  novelty  an'  he  says  he  won't  go 
36 


A  MAN   IN  THE   HOUSE 

to  congress  on  any  such  terms  —  not  while 
he  knows  himself.  Mr.  Kimball  told  me 
as  he  spoke  to  Elijah  about  it  yesterday, 
an'  Elijah  said  to  him  as  it  would  be  a 
strong  plank  for  Judge  Fitch  to  stand  on 
in  the  middle  of  his  platform,  but  Judge 
Fitch  told  Mr.  Kimball  as  he  could  just 
tell  his  nephew  frank  an'  open  as  that  one 
plank  in  his  platform  had  better  be  weak 
an'  he'd  take  care  to  remember  to  step 
over  it  every  time.  He  said  he  was  just 
waitin'  for  a  good  chance  to  tell  Elijah  his 
opinion  of  him  right  to  his  face,  an'  he  said 
as  he  should  give  him  to  understand  as 
after  this  he  must  submit  all  other  planks 
to  him  afore  he  printed  'em.  Mr.  Kimball 
says  that  Judge  Fitch  said  good  gracious 
him,  there  wouldn't  be  no  knowin'  what 
he'd  have  to  live  up  to  next,  if  Elijah 
was  n't  reined  in  tighter.  Judge  Fitch 
says  the  old  way  is  good  enough  for  him 
when  he  goes  to  Washington. 

"But  that  ain't  all  the  trouble  there  is. 
Mr.  Fisher  feels  very  much  hurt  at  Elijah's 
37 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

writin'  any  editorial  without  consul  tin'  him 
first.  He  says  he  told  him  as  he  could 
have  give  him  a  motto  out  of  Shakespeare 
about  layin'  on  an'  dammin'  as  would  have 
put  life  in  the  campaign  right  off  at  the 
beginnin';  an'  then  there's  Mrs.  Macy  as 
thinks  he  was  awful  mean  to  call  her  one 
as  carries  weight  anywhere ;  I'm  sure  I 
wish  Elijah  had  let  Mrs.  Macy  alone  for 
she's  worse  than  hornets  over  that  remark 
of  his.  She  says  maybe  Elijah '11  go  over 
two  hundred  an'  fifty  hisself  some  day,  an' 
if  he  does  he'll  know  as  it's  no  joke.  She 
bu'st  her  rocker  last  night  when  she  read 
what  he  said  about  her,  an'  she  says  bu'stin' 
a  rocker  ought  to  show  better  than  any 
words  how  mad  it  made  her.  My,  she 
says,  but  she  was  mad!  I  told  Elijah 
when  he  was  gettin'  up  the  paper  as  he'd 
better  never  say  nothin'  about  nobody  in 
it,  but  Elijah  can't  help  being  a  man  an' 
very  like  all  men  in  consequence,  an'  he  said 
as  a  paper  was  n't  nothin'  without  per- 
sonal items,  an'  he  thought  folks  would 
38 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

enjoy  being  dished  up  tart  an'  spicy.  I 
told  him  my  views  was  altogether  different. 
'Elijah  Doxey,'  I  says,  'you  dish  Meadville 
up  tart  an'  spicy  an'  we'll  all  feel  to  enjoy, 
but  you  leave  folks  here  alone.'  But  he 
did  n't  mind  me  an'  now  he's  got  a  lesson 
as  will  maybe  teach  him  to  leave  the  arm- 
chairs of  folks  as  is  payin'  for  his  paper 
unbu'sted  henceforth." 

"  Now  — ? "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Oh,  we  get  along  pretty  well,"  said 
Susan;  "a  man's  a  man,  an'  of  course  any 
house  always  is  pleasanter  without  one  in 
it,  but  I  guess  if  you  have  to  have  one 
around  Elijah's  about  as  little  bother  as 
you  could  ask.  I'm  teachin'  him  to  be 
real  orderly  in  a  hurry  just  by  puttin'  his 
things  where  he  could  n't  possibly  find  'em 
if  he  leaves  'em  layin'  around.  You  always 
can  manage  pleasantly  if  you're  smart,  an* 
I'm  smart.  If  he  don't  empty  his  basin, 
I  don't  fill  his  pitcher;  if  he's  late  to  meals, 
I  eat  up  all  as  is  hot ;  —  oh !  there 's  lots  of 
ways  of  gettin'  along,  an'  I  try  'em  all 

39 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

turn  an'  turn  about.  If  one  don't  work 
another  is  sure  to,  an'  if  he  ever  does  have 
a  wife  it  won't  be  my  fault  —  I  know  that. 

"  Mr.  Kimball  asked  me  this  mornin' 
what  I  thought  of  him  anyhow.  Mr. 
Kimball  says  as  Elijah  says  as  he  person- 
ally thinks  this  year  is  sent  to  fit  him  for 
suthin'  demandin'  backbone,  an'  so  he'd 
ought  to  be  resigned  to  any  thin'.  That 
did  n't  sound  just  polite  to  me  to  my  order 
of  thinkin'  an'  Gran'ma  Mullins  come  back 
just  then  an'  broke  in  an'  said  if  Elijah 
was  resigned  she  was  n't,  an'  she  hoped 
he'd  never  come  her  way  any  more  when 
he  was  out  pickin'  up  items." 

"  Is  any  one  —  "  began  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"I  don't  know,"  said  Miss  Clegg,  "I 
don't  believe  so.  Even  the  minister  is 
mad  ;  I  met  him  comin'  home  an'  I 
could  n't  see  what  he  had  to  complain  of, 
for  I  did  n't  remember  there  bein'  a  single 
word  about  him  in  the  whole  paper.  Come 
to  find  out  he  was  all  used  up  'cause  there 
was  n't  nothin'  about  him  in  it.  He  told 
40 


A  MAN   IN  THE  HOUSE 

me  in  confidence  as  he  never  got  such  a 
shock  in  all  his  life.  He  says  he  read  the 
paper  over  nine  times  afore  he  was  able  to 
sense  it,  an'  he  says  his  last  sermon  was  on 
hidin'  your  light  under  a  bushel  basket  an' 
he  had  a  copy  all  ready  if  Elijah  had  only 
come  for  it.  He  says  he  shall  preach  next 
Sunday  on  cry  in'  out  unto  you  to  get  up, 
an'  he  shall  take  a  copy  to  Elijah  himself. 
I  cheered  him  up  all  I  could.  I  told  him 
as  a  sermon  preached  on  Sunday  was  n't 
likely  to  be  no  great  novelty  to  no  one  on 
the  Saturday  after,  but  I  'd  see  that  he  got 
it  back  all  safe  if  Elijah  thro  wed  it  into  his 
scrap-basket.  That  seems  to  be  the  big 
part  of  bein'  a  editor  —  the  throwin'  things 
in  his  scrap-basket.  Elijah's  scrap-basket 
is  far  from  bein'  the  joy  of  my  life  for  he 
tears  everythin'  just  the  same  way  an'  it 
makes  it  a  long,  hard  job  to  piece  'em 
together  again.  Some  days  I  don't  get 
time  an'  then  I  do  get  so  aggravated." 

"  Have    you    ever  -         asked    Mrs.    La- 
throp  with  real  interest. 

41 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

"Not  yet,  but  he  ain't  got  really  started 
yet.  It's  when  the  paper  gets  to  Mead- 
ville  an'  Meadville  begins  to  write  him 
back  what  they  think  about  what  he  thinks 
of  them,  that  that  scrap-basket  will  be 
interestin'!  I  guess  I'll  go  home  now  an' 
make  biscuits  for  supper.  He  was  comin' 
back  on  the  five-o'clock  train.  Poor  Elijah, 
he'll  have  a  hard  day  to-morrow  but  it'll 
do  him  good.  Men  never  have  to  clean 
house,  so  the  Lord  has  to  discipline  their 
souls  any  way  he  can,  I  suppose,  an'  to 
my  order  o'  thinkin'  this  runnin'  a  news- 
paper is  goin'  to  send  Elijah  a  long  ways 
upwards  on  his  heavenly  journey." 

"Does — "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop,  rising 
heavily  to  bid  her  friend  good-bye. 

"Most  likely,"  said  Susan;  "at  any  rate 
if  he  does  n't  have  any  appetite.  I  like  'em 
myself," 


42 


A  MAN   IN  THE  HOUSE 


CHAPTER   IV 

SETTLING    DOWN    AFTER    THE    HONEYMOON 

MISS  CLEGG  and  Mrs.  Lathrop  were 
sitting  on  the  latter 's  steps  about 
five  o'clock  one  Sunday  afternoon  when 
Elijah  Doxey  came  out  of  the  former's 
house  and  walked  away  down  town. 

"  I  wond  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"I  don't  believe  it,"  said  Miss  Clegg;  "I 
know  the  way  you  look  at  it,  Mrs.  La- 
throp, but  /  don't  believe  it.  All  the  girls 
is  after  him  but  that  ain't  surprisin'  for 
girls  are  made  to  be  after  somethin'  at 
that  age  an'  there's  almost  nothin'  for 
them  to  run  down  in  this  community. 
We're  very  short  of  men  to  marry,  Mrs. 
Lathrop,  an'  what  men  we  have  got  ain't 
tall  enough  yet  to  do  it,  but  still,  it  ain't 
no  reason  why  Elijah  should  be  in  love 

43 


just  because  'Liza  Em'ly  and  all  the  other 
girls  is  in  love  with  him.  To  my  order  o' 
thinkin'  two  sets  of  people  have  got  to  love 
to  make  a  marriage,  an'  'Liza  Em'ly  ain't 
but  one.  An'  I  don't  know  as  I  want 
Elijah  to  be  in  love,  anyhow  —  not  while 
he  lives  in  my  house.  It  might  lead  to 
his  eatin'  less  but  it  would  surely  lead  to 
his  play  in'  the  flute  more,  an'  that  flute 
is  all  I  can  stand  now.  He  won't  marry 
if  I  can  help  it,  I  know  that,  an'  I  keep  his 
eagerness  down  by  talkin'  to  him  about 
Hiram  Mullins  all  I  can,  an'  surely  Hiram 
is  enough  to  keep  any  man  from  soarin' 
into  marriage  if  he  can  just  manage  to 
hop  along  single  an'  in  peace." 

"  Have    you  —  '     asked    Mrs.    Lathrop, 
interestedly. 

"Well,  I  snould  say  I  had  —  an'  it's 
fresh  on  my  mind,  too.  It  was  yesterday 
an'  I  see  'em  both.  Lucy  come  in  the 
mornin'  an'  Gran 'ma  Mullins  in  the  after- 
noon. I'd  like  to  of  had  Hiram  come  in 
the  evenin'  an'  tell  his  end,  but  Hiram 
44 


A  MAN   IN  THE   HOUSE 

don't  dare  say  a  word  to  no  man  nowa- 
days. As  far  as  my  observation's  ex- 
tended a  man  as  lives  steady  with  two 
women  gets  very  meek  as  to  even  men. 
Hiram's  learned  as  his  long  suit  is  to  keep 
still  an'  saw  wood  when  he  ain't  chop- 
pin'  it." 

"What  did  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Well,  Lucy  come  up  right  after  market 
an'  she  said  the  reason  she  come  was  be- 
cause she'd  just  got  to  talk  or  bu'st,  an' 
she  was  n't  anxious  to  bu'st  yet  awhile." 

"  What  --  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Oh,  just  the  usual  tale  as  any  one  could 
o'  foreseen  if  they  went  an'  married  Hiram 
Mullins.  Any  one  might  of  easy  knowed 
as  Lucy  Dill  could  n  't  no  more  enjoy 
Hiram  Mullins  than  a  cat  could  enjoy 
swimmin'  lessons,  but  she  would  have  him, 
an'  she  had  to  have  him,  an'  now  she's  got 
him  —  so  help  her  eternity  to  come." 

"  Did  she  -     '  questioned  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"No,"  said  Miss  Clegg,  "she  ain't  been 
married  quite  long  enough  for  that  yet; 
45 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

she's  only  been  married  long  enough  to 
come  out  strong  an'  bitter  as  to  blamin' 
Gran 'ma  Mullins.  I  will  say  this  for  Lucy, 
Mrs.  Lathrop,  an'  that  is  that  a  fairer  thing 
than  blamin'  Gran'ma  Mullins  for  Hiram 
could  n't  be  expected  of  whoever  married 
Hiram,  for  it  stands  to  reason  as  no  one 
as  had  brains  could  marry  Hiram  an'  not 
want  to  begin  blamin'  his  mother  five 
minutes  after.  Gran'ma  Mullins  never  did 
seem  able  to  look  at  Hiram  with  a  impar- 
tial eye,  an'  Lucy  says  as  it  beats  all  kind 
of  eyes  the  way  she  looks  at  him  since  he 's 
got  married.  Why,  Lucy  says  it 's  most 
made  her  lose  faith  in  her  Bible  —  the  way 
she  feels  about  Gran'ma  Mullins.  She  says 
she's  got  a  feelin'  towards  Gran'ma  Mullins 
as  she  never  knowed  could  be  in  a  woman. 
She  says  she's  come  to  where  she  just  can- 
not see  what  Ruth  ever  stuck  to  Naomi 
for  when  the  husband  was  dead  an'  Naomi 
disposed  to  leave,  too.  She  says  if  any- 
thin'  was  to  happen  to  Hiram  she'd  never 
be  fool  enough  to  hang  onto  Gran'ma 
46 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

Mullins.  She  sat  down  an'  told  me  all 
about  their  goin'  to  town  last  week.  She 
says  she  nigh  to  went  mad.  They  started 
to  go  to  the  city  just  for  a  day's  shoppin' 
an'  she  says  it  was  up  by  the  alarm  clock  at 
four  an'  breakfast  at  six  for  fear  of  missin' 
the  nine-o'clock  train  an'  then  if  Gran'ma 
Mullins  didn't  lose  her  little  black  bead 
bag  with  her  weddin'  ring  an'  the  size  of 
Hiram's  foot  an'  eighty-five  cents  in  it,  so 
they  could  n't  get  him  no  bargain  socks 
after  all!  All  they  could  do  was  to  buy 
the  safety  razor,  an'  when  they  got  home 
with  that  there  was  n't  no  blade  in  it,  an' 
they  had  to  go  way  back  to  town  next  day. 
Come  to  find  out  the  blade  was  in  the  box 
all  the  time,  done  up  in  the  directions,  only 
Hiram  never  read  the  directions,  'cause  he 
said  as  it's  a  well-known  fact  as  you  can't 
cut  yourself  with  a  safety  razor  whatever 
you  do. 

"Well,  Lucy  says  it's  for  that  sort  of 
doin's  as  she  left  her  happy  home  an'  her 
razor-stroppin'    father,    an'    she   says   the 
47 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

billin'  an'  cooin'  of  Gran'ma  Mullins  over 
Hiram  is  enough  to  make  a  wedded  wife 
sick.  She  says  she  would  n't  say  it  to  no 
one  but  me,  an'  I  promised  her  never  to 
breathe  it  along  any  further,  but  she  says 
she's  beginnin'  to  question  as  to  how  long 
she's  goin'  to  be  able  to  stand  it  all.  She 
says  will  you  believe  that  nights  Gran'ma 
Mullins  is  comin'  in  softly  at  all  hours  to 
tuck  up  Hiram's  feet,  an'  Lucy's  forever 
thinkin'  she's  either  a  rat  or  a  robber  or 
else  hittin'  at  her  for  Hiram  himself.  She 
says  as  it 's  Heaven's  own  truth  as  Gran'ma 
Mullins  is  warmin'  his  flannels  every  Satur- 
day to  this  day,  an'  that  the  tears  stand 
in  her  very  eyes  when  Lucy  won't  help  him 
off  with  his  boots." 

"  I  never  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"No,  nor  no  one  else.  It's  all  Gran'ma 
Mullins'  foolishness.  She  begun  to  be  fool- 
ish when  Hiram  begun  to  know  things.  I 
can  remember  when  he  used  to  run  every- 
where behind  her  with  a  little  whip,  'cause 
he  liked  to  play  horse,  an'  although  she 
48 


A.MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

used  to  pretend  that  she  let  him  'cause  it 
kept  the  moths  out  of  her  clothes,  still 
every  one  knowed  as  it  was  just  her  spoilin' 
of  him.  Now  he's  growed  up  spoiled  an' 
poor  Lucy  Dill's  got  the  consequences  to 
suffer. 

"An'  Lucy  surely  is  sufferin'!  She  says 
she  ain't  exactly  discouraged,  but  it's 
swimmin'  up  Niagara  Falls  to  try  an'  break 
either  of  'em  of  their  bad  habits.  She 
says  she  has  to  look  on  at  kisses  until  the 
very  thought  of  one  makes  her  seasick,  an' 
she  says  to  see  Gran'ma  Mullins  listenin'  to 
Hiram  singin'  is  enough  to  make  any  one 
blush  down  to  the  very  ground. 

"  I  cheered  her  all  I  could.  I  told  her 
as  you  can't  make  no  sort  of  a  purse  out 
of  ears  like  Hiram's,  an'  that  what  can't 
be  cured  has  always  got  to  be  lived  with 
unless  you  're  a  man.  She  cried  some,  poor 
thing,  an'  said  her  mother  always  used  to 
say  as  Hiram  was  cut  out  to  make  some 
girl  wish  he  was  dead,  but  she  said  she 
always  thought  as  her  mother  was  preju- 

49 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

diced.  She  said  Hiram  had  a  sort  of  way 
with  him  before  he  was  married  as  was  so 
hopeful,  an'  he  used  to  look  at  her  an'  sigh 
till  it  just  went  all  through  her  how  happy 
they'd  be  if  they  could  only  be  together 
all  they  wanted  to  be  together.  Well,  you 
c'n  believe  me  or  not,  just  as  you  please, 
Mrs.  Lathrop,  but  she  says  he  ain't  sighed 
once  —  not  once  —  since  they  was  married, 
an'  as  for  bein'  happy  —  well  —  she  says 
she's  about  give  up  hope.  She  don't  want 
folks  to  know,  'cause  she  says  she's  got 
some  pride,  but  she  says  there's  no  tellin' 
how  soon  it'll  run  out  if  Gran 'ma  Mullins 
keeps  on  huggin'  Hiram,  an'  tellin'  her  how 
perfect  he  is  over  his  own  head. ' ' 

"  I  don't  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Well,  I  should  say  not,"  said  Susan; 
"but  Hiram  Mullins  always  was  his 
mother's  white  goose,  an'  the  whole  town 
is  a  witness.  My  idea  if  I  was  Lucy  would 
be  to  shut  right  down  solid  on  the  whole 
thing.  I  'd  put  a  bolt  on  my  door  an'  keep 
Gran'ma  Mullins  an'  her  tuckin'  tenden- 
50 


A  MAN   IN  THE  HOUSE 

cies  on  the  other  side,  an'  if  Hiram  Mullins 
did  n't  come  to  time  I'd  bolt  him  out,  too, 
an'  if  he  wasn't  nice  about  it  I'd  get  out 
of  the  window  an'  go  home  to  my  father. 
I  guess  Mr.  Dill  would  be  very  glad  to  have 
Lucy  home  again,  for  they  say  'Liza 
Em'ly's  no  great  success  keepin'  house  for 
him.  Some  one  told  me  as  Mr.  Dill  was  in 
mortal  fear  as  he  was  practically  feedin' 
the  minister's  whole  family  every  time  she 
went  home,  an'  that  would  be  enough  to 
make  any  man,  as  had  only  his  own  self 
to  feed,  want  his  own  daughter  back,  I 
should  think. 

"There's  Mrs.  Macy  as  would  be  glad  to 
keep  house  for  him  if  he  'd  marry  her  first, 
of  course,  but  to  my  order  of  thinkin'  Mr. 
Dill  don't  want  to  marry  Mrs.  Macy  near 
as  much  as  Mrs.  Macy  wants  to  marry  Mr. 
Dill.  Mrs.  Macy  says  he's  pesterin' her  to 
death,  an'  Mr.  Dill  says  if  it's  pesterin'  to 
speak  when  you're  spoken  to,  he  must  buy 
a  new  dictionary  an'  learn  the  new  meanin' 
of  the  words  by  heart.  Between  ourselves, 

51 


SUSAN  CL£GG  AND 

I  guess  Mr.  Dill  is  barnin'  the  lesson  of 
wedded  bliss  from  lookin'  at  Lucy  an'  re- 
memberin'  her  mother.  Lucy  ain't  very 
happy  an'  you  know  as  well  as  I  do  what 
Mrs.  Dill  was.  Her  husband  won't  marry 
again  in  a  hurry,  an'  he's  smart  if  he  don't, 
for  if  Lucy  ain't  home  in  less  'n  a  year  I'll 
make  you  a  tea  cake." 

"  I  --  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Well,  you  ain't  Lucy  Dill,"  said  her 
friend.  "If  you  was  you'd  be  different. 
Lucy  says  this  being  waked  up  by  havin' 
a  hot  flatiron  slid  in  among  your  feet  most 
any  time  for  no  better  reason  than  'cause 
his  mother  thought  she  heard  Hiram  sneeze, 
is  a  game  as  can  be  played  once  too  often. 
I  see  her  temper  was  on  the  rise  so  I  struck 
in,  an'  give  her  a  little  advice  of  my  own, 
an'  as  a  result  she  says  she's  goin'  to  take 
a  strong  upper  hand  to  'em  both  an'  there 
won't  be  no  velvet  glove  on  it  neither. 
She  says  she  can  see  as  it's  do  or  die  for 
her  now,  an'  she  don't  mean  to  be  done  nor 
to  die  neither.  She  drank  some  tea  as  I 
52 


A  MAN  IN  THE   HOUSE 

made  strong  on  purpose,  an'  shook  her 
head  hard  an'  went  home,  an'  God  help 
Hiram  if  he  hummed  last  night;  an'  as  for 
Gran'ma  Mullins,  Lucy  said  if  she  come 
stealin'  in  to  feel  if  Hiram  was  breathin' 
reg'lar,  she  was  going  to  get  slapped  for  a 
mosquito  in  a  way  as  she'd  long  remem- 
ber." 

"  Dear  me  —  "  commented  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Well,  I  didn't  blame  her,"  said  Miss 
Clegg.  "Of  course  I  didn't  know  as  I 
was  going  to  hear  the  other  side  afore  night 
fell,  but  hearin'  her  side  stirred  me  up  so 
that  I  give  her  my  advice,  an'  my  advice 
was  to  put  the  bootjack  under  her  pillow. 
There  ain't  no  sense  in  women  sufferin' 
any  more,  to  my  idea  of  thinkin'.  It's  a 
good  deal  easier  to  go  to  bed  with  a  boot- 
jack, an'  I  look  to  see  Lucy  really  happy 
or  Hiram  smashed  flat  soon  in  conse- 
quence." 

"  But  you  -  '  said  Mrs.  Lathrop,  wide- 
eyed. 

"  I  know,  an'  that  did  change  my  ideas. 
53 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

Of  course  when  I  was  talkin'  to  Lucy  I 
was  n't  expectin'  to  see  Gran 'ma  Mullins 
so  soon,  but  I  won't  say  but  what  I  was 
glad  to  see  Gran'ma  Mullins,  too.  It's  a 
most  curious  feelin',  I  d'n  know  as  I  ever 
feel  a  curiouser  than  to  hear  both  sides 
of  any  thin'  from  the  both  sides  themselves 
right  one  after  the  other  in  the  same  day. 
O'  course  I  learned  long  ago  to  never  take 
any  sides  myself  unless  one  of  'em  was 
mine;  but  I  will  say  as  I  don't  believe  no 
one  could  feel  for  others  more  'n  I  do 
when  I  hear  folks  shakin'  their  heads  over 
what  as  a  general  thing  a  person  with 
brains  like  mine  knows  is  their  own  fault, 
an'  knowed  was  goin'  to  be  their  own 
fault  afore  they  ever  even  began  to  think 
of  doin'  it. 

"  Now  there  was  Lucy  Dill  yesterday 
forenoon  mournin'  'cause  Hiram  is  Hiram 
an'  his  mother  is  his  mother,  an'  then  after 
dinner  there  comes  Gran'ma  Mullins  with 
her  bonnet  strings  an'  her  tears  all  streamin' 
together,  an'  wants  my  sympathy  'cause 
54 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

Lucy  herself  is  Lucy  herself.  Well,  Mrs. 
Lathrop,  I  can't  but  feel  proud  o'  being 
able  to  hold  the  reins  so  hard  on  my  own 
bit  that  I  never  up  an'  told  either  on  'em 
the  plain  truth,  which  is  as  they  was  all 
fools  together  to  of  ever  looked  for  the  wed- 
din'  service  to  have  changed  any  on  'em." 

"What  did  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"I  don't  know  as  I'm  prepared  to  say 
what  I  think.  To  hear  Lucy  you'd  think 
she  was  surely  the  martyr,  but  to  hear 
Gran'ma  Mullins  you  would  n't  be  sure 
after  all.  Gran'ma  Mullins  says  after  the 
honeymoon  is  over  every  one  expects  to 
settle  down  as  a  matter  of  course,  an'  she 
wouldn't  say  a  word  against  it  only  it's 
Lucy  is  doin'  all  the  settlin'  an'  poor  Hiram 
as  is  doin'  all  the  down.  She  says  it's 
heart breakin'  to  be  a  only  mother  an* 
watch  the  way  as  Hiram  is  being  ever- 
lastin'ly  downed.  She  says  as  we  all  re- 
member that  bright  an'  happy  weddin* 
day*  an'  how  she  downed  her  own  feelin's 

*  See  "Susan  Clegg  and  her  Neighbors'  Affairs." 

55 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

an'  waved  rice  after  'em  just  like  every- 
body else  when  they  started  off  weddin'- 
trippin',  each  with  their  own  bag  in  his 
own  hand.  But,  oh,  she  says,  the  way 
they  come  back!  She  says  they  come 
back  with  Hiram  carryin'  both  bags,  an' 
her  heart  sunk  when  she  see  'em  for  she 
says  when  she  was  married  it  was  her  as 
come  home  carryin'  both  bags  an'  she  says 
it 's  one  of  the  saddest  straws  as  ever  blows 
a  bride  out.  She  says  she  never  expected 
much  of  her  marriage  'cause  she  was  en- 
gaged on  a  April  Fool's  Day  in  Leap  Year, 
an'  he  give  her  an  imitation  opal  for  a 
ring,  but  she  says  Hiram  give  Lucy  a  real 
green  emerald  with  a  18  an'  a  K  inside  it 
an'  he  looked  to  be  happy  even  with  his 
mother's  tears  mildewin'  his  pillow  every 
night  that  whole  summer.  She  says  no 
one  will  ever  know  how  hard  she  did  try 
to  get  sense  into  Hiram  that  summer  afore 
it  was  too  late.  She  says  she  used  to  sit 
up  in  tears  an'  wait  for  him  to  come  home 
from  seein'  Lucy,  an'  weep  on  his  neck 
56 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

with  her  arms  tight  round  him  for  two  or 
three  hours  afterwards  every  night,  but 
she  says  he  never  used  to  appreciate  it. 
An'  she  says  what  he  needed  to  marry  for, 
anyway,  Heaven  only  knows,  with  his 
whole  life  laid  pleasantly  out  to  suit  him, 
an'  a  strong  an'  able-bodied  mother  ready 
an'  smilin'  to  hand  him  whatever  he 
wanted  just  as  quick  as  he  wanted  it.  An' 
she  says  she  never  asked  him  to  do  no  thin' 
as  she  could  possibly  do  herself  an'  the 
way  Lucy  orders  him  about !  —  well,  she 
says  it's  beyond  all  belief.  An'  oh,  but 
she  says  it  goes  through  her  like  a  chained- 
up  bolt  of  lightnin'  the  voice  Lucy  speaks 
to  him  in,  an'  she  said  she  would  n't  have 
no  one  know  it  for  worlds  but  she  says  as 
near  as  she  can  figger  she  hit  him  over  the 
head  with  a  hairbrush  night  before  last." 

"  With  a  —  "  cried  Mrs.  Lathrop,  aghast. 

"  She  says  she  ain't  absolutely  positive, 
but  they  was  a-chasin'  a  June  bug  in  their 
room  together,  an'  she  heard  the  smash  an' 
the  next  mornin'  when  she  went  in  to 

57 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

make  Hiram's  side  of  the  bed  after  Lucy 
(she  says  Lucy  is  a  most  sing'lar  bed- 
maker)  she  see  the  nick  on  the  brush,  an' 
she  says  when  she  see  the  nick  an'  remem- 
bered how  hollow  it  rung,  she  knew  as  it 
could  n't  possibly  have  been  no  thin'  in 
that  room  except  Hiram's  head.  She  says 
if  Lucy's  begun  on  Hiram  with  a  hair- 
brush now,  Heaven  only  knows  what  she  '11 
be  after  him  with  in  a  year,  for  Gran' ma 
Mullins'  own  husband  went  from  a  cake 
of  soap  to  a  whole  cheese  in  a  fortnight 
an'  she  says  it's  a  well-known  fact  as  when 
a  married  man  is  once  set  a-goin'  he  lands 
things  faster  an'  faster.  She  says  she 
thinks  about  the  andirons  there,  ready  to 
Lucy's  hand,  until  she's  scared  white,  an' 
yet  she's  afraid  to  take  'em  for  fear  it'd 
attract  her  to  the  water  pitcher." 

"Did  Mr.  —  "  began  Mrs.  Lathrop,  hur- 
riedly, after  several  attempts  to  slide  a 
question-quoit  in  among  Susan's  game  of 
words. 

"Oh,  he  didn't  throw  'em  at  her.  I 
58 


A  MAN   IN  THE  HOUSE 

could  n  't  understand  what  he  did  do  with 
them  an'  so  I  asked,  but  it  seems  it  was  just 
as  awful  for  he  grated  the  whole  cake  o' 
that  soap  on  her  front  teeth  to  teach  her 
not  to  never  refer  to  the  deacon  again,  an' 
he  dropped  the  cheese  square  on  her  head 
when  he  was  up  on  a  step-ladder  an'  she 
was  in  a  little  cupboard  underneath  leanin' 
over  for  a  plate,  an'  then  he  tried  to  make 
out  as  it  was  an  accident.  She  says  it 
was  n't  no  accident  though.  She  says  a 
woman  as  gets  a  cheese  on  the  back  of  her 
head  from  a  husband  as  is  on  a  step-ladder 
over  her,  ain't  to  be  fooled  with  no  acci- 
dent story;  she  says  that  cheese  like  to  of 
hurt  her  for  life  an'  was  the  greatest  of  the 
consolations  she  had  when  he  died.  She 
says  she  never  will  forget  it  as  long  as  she 's 
alive  an'  he's  dead,  no  sir,  so  help  her 
heaven  she  won't;  she  says  when  the  ceme- 
tery committee  come  to  her  an'  want  her 
to  subscribe  for  keepin'  him  trimmed  with 
a  lawn  mower  an'  a  little  flag  on  Decora- 
tion Day,  she  always  thinks  of  that  cheese 
59 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

an'  says  no,  thank  you,  they  can  just  mow 
him  regularly  right  along  with  the  rest. 

"But  oh,  she  says  it's  awful  bitter  an' 
cold  to  see  Hiram  settin'  out  along  that 
stony,  bony,  thorny  road,  as  she's  learned 
every  pin  in  from  first  to  last.  She  says 
if  Lucy  'd  only  be  a  little  patient  with 
him,  but  no,  to  bed  he  must  go  feelin'  as 
bright  as  a  button,  an'  in  the  mornin',  oh 
my,  but  she  says  it's  heart rendin'  to  hear 
him  wake  up,  for  Lucy  washes  his  face 
so  sudden  with  cold  water  that  he  gives 
one  howl  before  he  remembers  he's  mar- 
ried, an'  five  minutes  after  she  hangs  every 
last  one  of  the  bedclothes  square  out  of 
the  window. 

"  I  tell  you,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  it  was  a 
pretty  sad  tale  first  an'  last,  an'  Gran'ma 
Mullins  says  Hiram  is  as  meek  as  a  sheep 
being  led  to  its  halter,  but  she  says  she 
can't  feel  as  meekness  pays  women  much. 
She  says  she  was  meek  an'  Hiram's  meek, 
an'  she  did  n't  get  no  reward  but  soap  an' 
that  cheese,  an'  all  Hiram's  got  so  far 
60 


A  MAN   IN  THE  HOUSE 

is   the   hairbrush,    an'    the   water   pitcher 
loomin'. 

"I  told  her  my  own  feelin's  was  as  mar- 
riage was  n't  enough  took  into  considera- 
tion nowadays,  an'  that  it  was  too  easy 
at  the  start,  an'  too  hard  at  the  finish. 
You  know  yourself,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  as  there 
ain't  a  mite  o'  doubt  but  what  if  the 
honeymoon  come  just  afore  the  funeral 
there 'd  be  a  deal  more  sincere  mournin' 
than  there  is  as  it  is  now,  an'  to  my  order 
of  thinkin',  if  the  grandchildren  come  afore 
the  children,  folks  would  raise  their 
families  wiser.  I  told  Gran'ma  Mullins 
just  that  very  thing  but  it  did  n't  seem  to 
give  her  much  comfort.  She  give  a  little 
yell  an'  said  oh,  Heaven  preserve  her  from 
havin'  to  sit  by  an'  watch  Lucy  Dill  raise 
Hiram's  children,  for  she  was  sure  as  she'd 
never  be  able  to  give  'em  enough  pie  on 
the  sly  to  keep  'em  happy  an'  any  one  with 
half  an  eye  could  see  they'd  be  washed  an' 
brushed  half  to  death.  She  says  Lucy 
won't  wash  a  dish  without  rinsin'  it  after- 

61 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

wards  or  sweep  a  room  without  carryin' 
all  the  furniture  out  into  the  yard;  oh  my, 
she  says  her  ways  is  most  awful  an'  I  ex- 
pect that,  to  Gran'ma  Mullins,  they  are. 

"  I  cheered  her  all  I  could.  I  told  her 
she'd  better  make  the  best  o'  things  now, 
'cause  o'  course  as  Lucy  got  older  Hi- 
ram'd  make  her  madder  an'  madder,  an' 
they'll  all  soon  be  lookin'  back  to  this 
happy  first  year  as  their  one  glimpse  of 
paradise.  I  did  n't  tell  her  what  Lucy 
told  me  o'  course,  'cause  she'd  go  an'  tell 
Hiram,  an'  Hiram  must  love  Lucy  or  he'd 
never  stand  being  hit  for  a  June  bug  or 
woke  with  a  wash-cloth.  But  I  did  kind 
of  wonder  how  long  it  would  last.  If  I 
was  Lucy  it  wouldn't  last  long,  I  know 
that.  If  I'd  ever  married  a  man  I  don't 
know  how  long  he'd  of  stood  it  or  how 
long  I'd  of  stood  him,  but  I  know  one 
thing,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  an'  I  know  that  from 
my  heels  to  my  hairpins  —  an'  I  said  it  to 
Elijah  last  night,  an'  I'm  goin'  to  say  it 
to  you  now  —  an'  that  is  that  if  I  could  n't 
62 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

of  stood  him  I  would  n't  of  stood  him,  for 
this  is  the  age  when  women  as  read  the 
papers  don't  stand  nothin'  they  don't  want 
to  —  an'  I  wouldn't  neither." 

"I  -     "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Well,  you  ain't  me,"  said  Miss  Clegg, 
"you  ain't  me  an'  you  ain't  Elijah  neither. 
I  talk  very  kind  to  Elijah,  but  there 's  no 
livin'  in  the  house  with  any  man  as  sup- 
poses livin'  in  the  house  with  any  other 
woman  is  goin'  to  be  pleasanter  than  livin' 
in  the  house  with  the  woman  as  he's  then 
an'  there  livin'  in  the  house  with.  The 
main  thing  in  life  is  to  keep  men  down  to 
a  low  opinion  of  every  woman's  cookin'  but 
yours  an'  keep  yourself  down  to  a  low 
opinion  of  the  man.  You  don't  want  to 
marry  him  then  an'  he  don't  want  to  live 
with  any  one  else.  An'  to  my  order  of 
thinkin'  that's  about  the  only  way  that  a 
woman  can  take  any  comfort  with  a  man 
in  the  house." 


63 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 


CHAPTER  V 
SUSAN  CLEGG'S  FULL  DAY 

"TT7ELL,"  said  Miss  Clegg,  with  strong 
V  V  emphasis,  as  she  mounted  Mrs. 
Lathrop's  steps,  "I  don't  know,  I'm  sure, 
what  I've  come  over  here  for  this  night, 
for  I  never  felt  more  like  goin'  right  straight 
off  to  bed  in  all  my  life  before."  Then  she 
sat  down  on  the  top  step  and  sighed 
heavily. 

"It's  been  a  full  day,"  she  went  on 
presently;  "an'  I  can't  deny  as  I  was 
nothin'  but  glad  to  remember  as  Elijah 
was  n't  comin'  home  to  supper,  for  as  a 
consequence  I  sha'n't  have  it  to  get.  A 
woman  as  has  had  a  day  like  mine  to-day 
don't  want  no  supper  anyhow,  an'  it 
stands  to  reason  as  if  I  don't  feel  lively 
in  the  first  place,  I  ain't  goin'  to  be  made 
64 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

any  more  so  by  comin'  to  see  you,  for  I 
will  remark,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  that  seein'  you 
always  makes  me  wonder  more'n  ever 
why  I  come  to  see  you  so  often  when  I 
might  just  as  well  stay  home  an'  go  to  bed. 
If  I  was  in  my  bed  this  blessed  minute 
I'd  be  very  comfortable,  which  I'm  very 
far  from  bein'  here  with  this  mosquito  aim- 
in'  just  over  my  slap  each  time;  an'  then, 
too,  I'd  be  alone,  an'  no  matter  how  hard 
I  may  try  to  make  myself  look  upon  bein' 
with  you  as  the  same  thing  as  bein'  alone, 
it  is  n't  the  same  thing  an'  you  can't  in 
conscience  deny  that,  no  matter  how  hard 
you  may  sit  without  movin'." 

Mrs.  Lathrop  made  no  reply  to  this  frank 
comment  on  her  liveliness,  and  after  a 
short  pause,  Miss  Clegg  sighed  heavily 
a  second  time,  and  continued: 

"It's  been  a  full  day,  a  awful  full  day. 
In  the  first  place  the  rooster  was  woke  by 
accident  last  night  an'  he  up  an'  woke  me. 
He  must  of  woke  me  about  three  o'clock 
as  near  as  I  can  figure  it  out  now,  but  I 

65 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

supposed  when  I  was  woke  as  of  course  it 
was  five  so  I  got  right  up  an'  went  in  an' 
woke  Elijah.  Elijah  told  me  last  week  as 
he  didn't  believe  he'd  ever  seen  the  sun 
rise  an'  I  was  just  enough  out  of  sorts  to 
think  as  to-day  would  be  a  good  time  for 
him  to  begin  to  turn  over  a  new  leaf  as 
far  as  the  sunrise  was  concerned.  I  must 
say  he  was  n't  very  spry  about  the  leaf,  for 
all  he  did  was  to  turn  himself  over  at  first, 
but  I  opened  his  window  an'  banged  the 
blinds  three  or  four  times  an'  in  the  end  he 
got  woke  up  without  really  knowin'  just 
what  had  woke  him.  We  had  breakfast 
with  a  candle,  an'  then  Elijah  was  so  tired 
lookin'  out  for  the  sunrise  that  he  looked 
in  at  his  watch  an'  see  as  it  was  only 
quarter  to  four  then.  He  was  real  put  out 
at  that  at  first  'cause  he  wrote  till  half 
past  two  last  night,  an'  in  the  end  he  went 
back  to  bed  an'  it  certainly  was  a  relief  to 
see  the  last  of  him,  for  I  may  in  confidence 
remark  as  I  never  see  him  look  quite  so 
stupid  afore.  After  he  was  gone  back  to 
66 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

bed  I  washed  up  the  breakfast  dishes  an' 
then  I  went  out  in  the  wood  shed  in  the 
dark  an'  there  I  got  another  surprise,  for 
I  thought  I'd  look  over  the  rags  I  was 
savin'  for  the  next  rag  rug  an'  when  I 
poured  'em  out  in  my  lap,  what  do  you 
think,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  what  do  you  think 
poured  out  along  with  'em?  —  Why,  a 
nest  of  young  mice  an'  two  old  ones! 

"Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  you  can  maybe 
imagine  my  feelin's  at  four  in  the  mornin' 
with  Elijah  gone  back  to  bed  an'  my  own 
lap  full  of  mice,  but  whatever  I  yelled 
did  n't  disturb  him  any  an'  I  just  made 
two  jumps  for  the  lamp  in  the  kitchen, 
leavin'  the  mice  wherever  they  hit  to  re- 
arrange their  family  to  suit  themselves. 
Well,  the  second  jump  must  needs  land  me 
right  square  on  top  of  the  cistern  lid,  an' 
it  up  an'  went  in,  takin'  my  left  leg  along 
with  it  as  far  as  it  would  go.  Well,  Mrs. 
Lathrop,  talk  of  girls  as  can  open  an'  shut, 
like  scissors,  in  a  circus  —  I  was  scissored 
to  that  degree  that  for  a  little  I  could  n't 

67 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

think  which  would  be  wisest,  to  try  an' 
get  myself  together  again  in  the  kitchen  or 
to  just  give  up  altogether  in  the  cistern. 
In  the  end  I  hauled  the  leg  as  had  gone 
in  out  again,  an'  then  I  see  where  all  the 
trouble  come  from,  for  the  cistern  lid  was 
caught  to  my  garter  an'  what  I'd  thought 
was  a  real  injury  was  only  it  swingin' 
around  an'  around  my  leg.  I  put  the  lid 
back  on  the  cistern  an'  felt  to  sit  with  my 
legs  crossed  for  quite  a  while,  thinkin' 
pleasant  thoughts  of  the  rooster  as  woke 
me,  an'  by  that  time  it  was  half  past  four, 
an'  I  could  hear  all  the  other  chickens  stir- 
rin'  so  I  got  up  an'  began  to  stir  again 
myself.  I  opened  the  front  door  an'  looked 
out  an'  that  did  n't  bring  me  no  good  luck 
either,  for  as  I  looked  out  a  bat  flew  in  an' 
just  as  the  bat  flew  in  he  managed  to  hook 
himself  right  in  my  hair.  Well,  Mrs.  La- 
throp,  I  tell  you  I  was  mad  then.  I  don't 
know  as  I  ever  was  madder  than  I  was 
then.  I  was  so  mad  that  I  can't  tell  you 
how  mad  I  was.  The  bat  held  on  by 
68 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

diggin'  in  like  he  thought  I  wanted  to  get 
him  off,  an'  I  pulled  at  him  so  hard  that 
I  can't  in  conscience  be  surprised  much 
over  his  takin'  that  view  of  it.  Well,  in 
the  end  I  had  to  take  all  my  hairpins  out 
first  an'  then  sort  of  skin  him  out  of  my 
hair  lengthways,  which,  whatever  you  may 
think  about  it,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  is  far  from 
bein'  funny  along  afore  dawn  on  a  day  as 
you've  begun  at  three  thinkin'  as  it  was 
five." 

"Susan!"  ejaculated  Mrs.  Lathrop; 
"don't--" 

"  No,  I  '11  have  some  when  I  get  home. 
I  like  mine  better  than  yours  anyway. 
Now  you've  made  me  forget  where  I  was 
in  my  story." 

"  You  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Oh  yes,  I  remember  now.  Well,  I 
was  too  put  out  at  first  to  notice  what  the 
bat  did  after  I  got  him  out  o'  my  head, 
but  when  I  went  upstairs  I  found  him 
circlin'  everywhere  in  a  way  as  took  every 
bit  of  home  feelin'  out  of  the  house  an'  I 

69 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

just  saw  that  I  'd  have  no  peace  till  I  could 
be  alone  with  Elijah  again.  So  I  got  up 
an'  got  a  broom  an'  went  a  battin'  for  all 
I  was  worth.  Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  you  can 
believe  me  or  not  just  as  you  please,  but 
for  one  solid  hour  I  run  freely  an'  gayly  up 
an'  down  an'  over  an'  under  my  own  house 
after  that  bat.  I  never  see  nothin'  like 
that  bat  before  or  behind.  He  just  sort 
of  sailed  here  an'  there  an'  everywhere,  an' 
wherever  he  sailed  smoothly  an'  easily 
there  was  me  runnin'  after  him  with  the 
broom,  whackin'  at  him  every  chance  I 
got.  We  was  upstairs,  we  was  downstairs, 
we  was  in  the  wood  shed  an'  out  of  the 
wood  shed,  we  was  under  the  kitchen  table, 
we  was  over  father's  picture  on  the  mantel 
—  we  was  everywhere,  me  an'  that  bat. 
Then  all  of  a  sudden  he  disappeared  com- 
pletely an'  I  sit  down  in  the  rockin '-chair 
to  puff  an'  rest.  Elijah  slept  till  most 
eight  an'  I  was  so  tired  I  let  him  sleep 
although  I  never  was  one  to  approve  of 
any  man's  sleepin',  but  before  he  woke 
70 


A  MAN   IN  THE  HOUSE 

something  worse  than  a  bat  come  down 
on  me,  an'  that  was  Mrs.  Sweet's  cousin, 
Jerusha  Dodd.  You  know  Jerusha  Dodd, 
Mrs.  Lathrop,  an'  so  do  I,  an'  so  does 
everybody  an'  as  far  as  my  observation's 
extended  bats  is  wise  men  bringin'  their 
gifts  from  afar  to  visit  you  compared  to 
Jerusha  Dodd  when  she  arrives  in  the 
early  mornin'.  I  wouldn't  never  have 
gone  to  the  door  only  she  stepped  up  on  the 
drain-pipe  first  an'  looked  in  an'  saw  me 
there  in  the  rockin '-chair  afore  she  knocked. 
I  tell  you  I  was  good  an'  mad  when  I  see 
her  an'  see  as  she  see  me  an'  I  made  no 
bones  of  it  when  I  opened  the  door.  I 
says  to  her  frank  an'  open  —  I  says, 
'  Good  gracious,  Jerusha,  I  hope  you  ain't 
lookin'  to  see  me  pleased  at  seein'  as  it's 
you.'  But  laws,  you  couldn't  smash 
Jerusha  Dodd  not  if  you  was  a  elephant 
an'  she  was  his  sat-down-upon  fly,  so  I  had 
her  sittin'  in  the  kitchen  an'  sighin'  in 
less'n  no  time.  She  was  full  of  her  woes 
an'  the  country's  woes  as  usual.  Congress 

71 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

was  goin'  to  ruin  us  next  year  sure,  an'  she 
had  a  hole  in  her  back  fence  anyway;  she 
did  n't  approve  of  Mr.  Rockefeller's  prices 
on  oil,  an'  there  was  a  skunk  in  her  cellar, 
an'  she  said  she  could  n't  seem  to  learn  to 
enjoy  livin'  the  simple  life  as  she'd  had 
to  live  it  since  her  father  died,  a  tall.  She 
said  that  accordin'  to  her  views  life  for 
single  women  nowadays  was  too  simple  an' 
she  said  she  really  only  lacked  bein'  buried 
to  be  dead.  She  says  as  all  a  simple  life 
is,  is  havin'  no  rights  except  them  as  your 
neighbors  don't  want.  She  says  for  her 
part  she's  been  more  took  into  the  heart 
of  creation  than  she's  ever  cared  about.  I 
do  hate  to  have  to  listen  to  the  way  she 
goes  on  an'  no  one  can  say  as  I  ever  was 
one  to  encourage  her  in  them  views.  I 
don't  think  it's  right  to  encourage  no  one 
in  their  own  views  'cause  their  views  is 
never  mine  an'  mine  is  always  the  right 
ones.  This  mornin'  I  stood  it  as  long  as 
I  could  from  Jerusha  an'  then  I  just  let 
out  at  her  an'  I  says  to  her,  I  says, 
72 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

'Jerusha  Dodd,  you  really  are  a  fool  an' 
Heaven  help  them  as  ever  makes  more  of 
a  fool  of  you,  by  tellin'  you  as  you  ain't.' 
You  know  Jerusha  Dodd,  Mrs.  Lathrop; 
she  began  to  cry  hard  an'  rock  harder  right 
off,  said  she  knowed  she  was  a  fool,  but  it 
was  nature's  fault  an'  not  hers  for  she  was 
born  so  an'  could  n't  seem  to  get  the 
better  of  it.  I  told  her  my  view  of  the 
matter  would  be  for  her  to  stay  home  an' 
patch  up  that  hole  in  her  fence  an'  pull 
up  some  o'  that  choice  garden  full  of  weeds 
as  she's  growin',  an'  brush  the  dust  off 
the  crown  of  her  bonnet,  an'  do  a  few  other 
of  them  wholesome  little  trifles  as  is  a  good 
deal  nearer  the  most  of  us  than  Mr.  Rocker- 
feller  an'  what  congress  in  its  infinite  wis- 
dom is  goin'  to  see  fit  to  deal  out  in  the 
daily  papers  next  year. 

"  But  she  only  kept  on  cryin'  an'  rockin' 
an'  finally  I  got  so  tired  listenin'  to  her 
creak  an'  sob  that  I  went  out  an'  had  a 
real  bright  idea.  I  got  the  little  sink 
scratcher  an'  tied  a  wet  piece  of  rag  to  the 

73 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

handle  an'  went  around  behind  her  an'  hung 
it  suddenly  in  her  back  hair.  She  put  up 
her  hand  an'  felt  it,  an'  give  a  yell  that 
woke  Elijah.  You  know  how  Jerusha 
Dodd  acts  when  she's  upset!  She  spun 
around  so  the  sink  scratcher  fell  right  out 
but  she  did  n't  have  sense  enough  left  in 
her  to  know  it.  She  yelled,  '  What  was  it? 
what  was  it?'  an'  I  yelled,  'It  was  a  bat, 
it  was  a  bat; '  an'  at  that  I  see  the  last  of 
Jerusha  Dodd,  for  she  was  out  of  my 
kitchen  an'  out  of  my  sight  afore  Elijah 
could  get  to  the  top  of  the  stairs  to  begin 
yellin',  'What  was  it?  what  was  it?'  on  his 
own  hook.  I  had  to  tell  him  all  about  it 
then  an'  he  wanted  it  for  a  item  right  off. 
He  said  he'd  have  a  dash  for  Jerusha  an' 
a  star  for  me,  an'  the  idea  took  him  like 
most  of  his  ideas  do,  an'  he  laughed  till  he 
coughed  the  coffee  as  I'd  saved  for  him 
all  the  wrong  way,  an'  dropped  a  soft 
boiled  egg  as  I'd  boiled  for  him  into  the 
water  pitcher,  an',  oh  my,  I  thought  mis- 
fortunes never  would  come  to  a  end  or 
74 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

even  to  a  turnin'.  But  after  he'd  fished 
out  the  egg  an'  eat  it,  he  went  off  down 
to  his  uncle's  an'  he  wasn't  more'n  gone 
when  in  come  Mrs.  Sweet  to  see  if  Jerusha 
left  her  breastpin,  'cause  in  her  quick 
breathin'  it  had  fallen  somewhere  an' 
Jerusha  was  havin'  hysterics  over  losin' 
that  now.  While  I  was  talkin'  to  Mrs. 
Sweet  at  the  gate  I  smelt  somethin'  burnin' 
an'  there  my  whole  bakin'  of  bread  was 
burnt  up  in  the  oven  owin'  to  Jerusha 
Dodd's  breathin'  her  breastpin  out  over  a 
bat.  I  felt  to  be  some  tempered  then,  an* 
Mrs.  Sweet  saw  it  an'  turned  around  an' 
left  me,  an'  after  she  was  gone  I  went  into 
the  house  an'  pulled  down  the  shades  an' 
locked  the  door  an'  went  to  sleep.  I  slept 
till  Elijah  come  home  to  dinner  an'  of 
course  there  was  n't  no  dinner  ready  an' 
that  put  Elijah  out.  Elijah's  got  a  good 
deal  of  a  temper,  I  find,  an'  the  only  thing 
in  the  world  to  do  with  a  man  in  a  temper, 
when  he  is  in  a  temper,  is  to  make  him  so 
mad  that  he  goes  right  off  in  a  huff  an' 

75 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

leaves  you  to  peace  again.  So  I  just  made 
one  or  two  remarks  about  my  opinion  of 
things  as  he  feels  very  strong  about,  an' 
he  said  he  guessed  he'd  get  supper  down 
town  an'  sleep  at  the  store  to-njght.  So 
he  took  himself  off  an'  he  was  hardlyX5ut 
of  the  way  when  Mrs.  Macy  come  to  tell 
me  about  Judy  Lupey's  divprce." 

"Is  —  "  cried  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Not  yet,  but  she  soon  will  be,"  said 
Miss  Clegg.  "Mrs.  Macy's  just  back  from 
Meadville  an'  she  says  all  Meadville  is 
churned  up  over  it.  They  ain't  never  had 
a  divorce  there  afore,  an'  every  one  is  so 
interested  to  know  just  how  to  do  it,  an' 
I  will  say  this  much  for  Mrs.  Magy,  an' 
that  is  that  she  was  nothin'  but  glad  to 
tell  me  all  about  it.  Seems  as  the  Lupeys 
is  most  awful  upset  over  it  though  an' 
Mrs.  Kitts  says  she  ain't  sure  as  she  won't 
change  her  will  sooner  than  leave  money 
to  a  woman  with  two  husbands." 

"Two  —  "  cried  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Mrs.  Macy  says,"  continued  Susan, 
76 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

"  as  Mrs.  Lupey  ain't  much  better  pleased 
than  Mrs.  Kitts  over  it  all,  an',  although 
she  did  n't  say  it  in  so  many  words,  she 
hinted  pretty  plain  as  it  seemed  hard  as 
the  only  one  of  the  girls  to  get  married 
should  be  the  same  one  as  is  gettin' 
divorced.  Mrs.  Macy  said  she  see  her 
point  of  view,  but  to  her  order  of  thinkin' 
the  world  don't  begin  to  be  where  old 
maids  need  consider  divorces  yet  awhile. 
She  says  she  stayed  in  the  house  with  'em 
all  three  days  an'  she  says  she  cheered 
Mrs.  Lupey  all  she  could;  she  says  she  told 
her  to  her  best  ear  as  no  one  but  a  mother 
would  ever  have  dreamed  of  dreamin'  of 
Faith  or  Maria's  ever  marryin'  under  any 
circumstances.  She  said  Mrs.  Lupey  said 
it  was  the  quickness  of  Judy's  gettin'  tired 
of  Mr.  Drake  as  had  frightened  her  most. 
Why,  she  says  as  before  the  first  baby  was 
through  teethin'  in  her  day,  Judy  was  all  up 
an'  through  an'  completely  done  with  Mr. 
Drake.  All  done  with  him  an'  home  again, 
an'  the  family  not  even  countin'  to  consider. 

77 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

"Mrs.  Macy  says  as  she's  learned  a 
awful  lot  about  divorce  as  she  did  n't  know 
before.  She  said  she  couldn't  help  being 
surprised  over  how  much  a  divorce  is  like 
a  marriage,  for  Busby  Bell  was  there  every 
night  an'  Judy  an'  the  whole  family  is  hard 
at  work  gettin'  her  clothes  ready.  But 
Mrs.  Macy  says  them  as  suppose  the  real 
gettin'  of  the  divorce  itself  is  simple  had 
ought  to  go  an'  stay  at  the  Lupeys  awhile. 
Why,  she  says  the  way  the  Lupeys  is  com- 
plicated an'  tied  up  by  Judy  an'  Mr.  Drake 
is  some  thin'  beyond  all  belief.  To  begin 
with,  Judy  decided  to  be  deserted  because 
she  thought  it'd  really  be  the  simplest  an' 
easiest  in  the  end  an'  she  hated  to  bother 
with  bein'  black  an'  blue  for  -witnesses  an' 
all  that  kind  of  business.  But  it  seems 
being  deserted,  when  you  live  in  the  same 
town  with  a  husband  who  rides  a  bicycle 
an'  don't  care  where  he  meets  you,  is  just 
enough  to  drive  a  woman  nigh  to  madness 
itself.  Why,  Mrs.  Macy  says  that  Judy 
Lupey  actually  can't  go  out  to  walk  a  tall, 
78 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

not  'nless  Faith  walk  a  block  ahead  of 
her  an'  Maria  a  block  behind,  an'  even  then 
Mr.  Drake's  liable  to  come  coastin'  down 
on  'em  any  minute.  She  says  it's  awful 
try  in',  an'  Judy  gets  so  mad  over  it  all  that 
it  just  seems  as  if  they  could  not  stand  it. 

"  But  that  ain't  the  only  trouble  neither, 
Mrs.  Macy  says.  Seems  Judy  got  Solomon 
Drake  for  her  lawyer  'cause  he  knowed  the 
whole  story,  through  eatin'  dinner  at  the 
Drakes  every  Sunday  while  they  was  stay- 
in'  married.  She  thought  havin'  Solomon 
Drake  would  save  such  a  lot  of  explainin' 
'cause  Mr.  Drake  is  so  hard  to  explain  to 
any  one  as  has  just  seen  him  ridin'  his  bicy- 
cle an'  not  really  been  his  wife.  Well,  seems 
as  Judy  never  calculated  on  Solomon's 
keepin'  right  on  takin'  Sunday  dinner  with 
Mr.  Drake,  after  he  became  her  lawyer,  but 
he  does,  an'  none  of  the  Lupeys  think  it 
looks  well,  an'  Judy  finds  it  most  tryin' 
because  all  she  an'  Solomon  talk  over  about 
the  divorce  he  tells  Mr.  Drake  on  Sunday 
out  of  gratitude  for  his  dinner  an'  because 

79 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

it's  a  subject  as  seems  to  really  interest 
Mr.  Drake.  Seems  Mr.  Drake  is  a  hard 
man  to  interest.  Judy  says  he  was  yawn- 
in'  afore  they  got  to  the  station  on  their 
honeymoon. 

"  But  Mrs.  Macy  says  that  ain't  all, 
neither,  whatever  you  may  think,  for  she 
says  what  do  you  think  of  Mr.  Drake's 
goin'  an'  gettin'  Busby  Bell  of  all  the  men 
in  Meadville  for  his  lawyer,  when  the  whole 
town  knows  as  it's  Busby  as  Judy's  goin' 
to  marry  next.  Mrs.  Lupey  says  as  Judy 
would  have  took  Busby  for  her  own  lawyer 
only  they  was  so  afraid  of  hurtin'  each 
other's  reputations,  an'  now  really  it's  ter- 
rible, 'cause  Busby  says  as  he  don't  well 
see  what's  to  be  done  about  their  reputa- 
tions if  the  worst  comes  to  the  worst,  for 
he's  explained  as  very  likely  Judy's  goin' 
to  need  one  more  man  than  a  husband  to 
get  her  her  divorce.  Mrs.  Macy  says  Mrs. 
Lupey  says  as  Busby  said  as  if  he  had  n't 
been  Mr.  Drake's  lawyer  he'd  have  been 
more  than  ready  to  be  the  other  man,  but 
80 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

as  Mr.  Drake's  lawyer  he  can't  help  Judy 
no  more'n  if  he  was  Mr.  Drake  himself. 
Mrs.  Macy  says  Mrs.  Lupey  cried,  an'  she 
told  her  as  she  knowed  as  there  was  any 
number  of  quiet  elderly  men  as  any  one 
could  depend  on  right  here  in  our  own 
community  as'd  be  no  thin'  but  glad  to  go 
over  to  Meadville  an'  help  anyway  they 
could,  but  Mrs.  Lupey  asked  Judy  about 
it,  an'  Judy  asked  Busby,  an'  Busby  said 
men  as  you  could  depend  on  anywhere 
wasn't  no  use  in  divorce  suits  a  tall.  It's 
quite  another  kind,  it  seems.  Mrs.  Macy 
says  she's  really  very  sorry  for  them  all, 
for  it  really  seems  awful  to  think  how  the 
Lupey s  need  a  man  an'  the  only  man 
they've  got  Judy's  busy  gettin'  rid  of  as 
hard  as  she  can. 

"Mrs.  Macy  says  it's  all  most  upsettin'. 
She  says  she  never  lived  through  no  thin' 
like  it  afore.  Judy's  cross  'cause  she  can't 
go  out  an'  meet  Busby  without  runnin'  the 
risk  of  meetin'  Mr.  Drake  an'  losin'  all  the 
time  she's  put  in  so  far  bein'  deserted. 
81 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

An'  then  there's  a  many  things  as  a  out- 
sider never  would  know  about  or  even 
guess  at  unless  they've  lived  right  in  the 
house  with  a  real  live  divorce.  Mrs.  Macy 
says  as  Martha  Hack,  as  does  the  washin' 
for  'em  all,  is  forever  forgettin'  an'  sendin' 
Judy's  wash  home  with  Mr.  Drake's  just 
as  if  they  was  still  completely  married. 
That  would  n't  be  so  bad  only  Mr.  Drake 
waits  for  Solomon  to  get  'em  Sunday,  an' 
Solomon's  kind-hearted  an'  gives  'em  to 
Busby  so  as  to  give  him  a  excuse  to  make 
two  calls  in  one  day.  Well,  Mrs.  Macy 
says  the  come  out  of  it  all  is  as  when  Judy 
wants  to  take  a  bath  just  about  all  Mead- 
ville  has  to  turn  out  to  see  where  under 
heaven  her  clean  clothes  is. 

"I  tell  you,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  tellin'  it  all 
to  you  does  n't  matter  so  much,  but  to 
hear  Mrs.  Macy  tell  it  makes  you  wonder 
if  it's  worth  while  to  try  an'  leave  a  man 
as  you  can't  live  with.  Seems  to  me 
it'd  be  easier  to  live  with  him.  Mrs.  Macy 
says  as  she  met  Mr.  Drake  several  times 
82 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

herself  on  his  bicycle  an'  he  looked  most 
bloomin'.  No  one  need  be  sorry  for  him, 
an'  not  many  is  sorry  for  Judy.  But  Mrs. 
Macy  says  there's  only  one  person  as  all 
Meadville  's  sorry  for,  an'  that 's  Busby  Bell. " 

Mrs.  Lathrop  started  to  speak. 

"Yes,"  Susan  went  on  hurriedly.  "Eli- 
jah said  just  that  same  thing  the  other 
day  when  he  was  talkin'  about  the  Marl- 
boroughs.  He  thinks  as  divorces  is  all  a 
mistake,  but  then  you're  a  widow  an* 
Elijah  ain't  married  so  you're  both  pretty 
safe  in  airin'  your  views." 

Susan  rose  just  here  and  descended  the 
steps.  "I  must  go,"  she  said,  "I  don't 
seem  to  take  no  particular  interest  in  what 
you  might  be  goin'  to  tell  me,  Mrs.  La- 
throp, even  if  there  was  any  chance  of  your 
ever  gettin'  around  to  tellin'  it,  an'  I've 
told  you  all  I  know,  an'  I'm  very  tired 
talkin'.  As  I  said  before,  it's  been  a  full 
day  an'  I'm  pretty  well  beat  out.  I  for- 
got to  tell  you  as  after  Mrs.  Macy  was  gone 
I  found  as  it  was  n't  the  bread  I  smelt  in 
83 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

the  oven  —  it  was  the  bat.  I  suppose 
when  I  see  Mr.  Kimball  he'll  make  one  of 
his  jokes  over  bread-dough  an'  bats  an' 
batter,  but  I'll  be  too  wore  out  to  care. 
Did  I  say  as  Elijah  said  he'd  sleep  at  the 
store  to-night?" 

"Will—"  cried  Mrs.  Lathrop,  all  of  a 
sudden. 

"  Why,  of  course,"  said  Susan,  "  it  did  n't 
hurt  either  loaf  a  mite.  I'd  be  as  much 
of  a  fool  as  Jerusha  Dodd  if  I  let  a  little 
thing  like  a  bat  spoil  a  whole  bakin'  of 
bread  for  me,  Mrs.  Lathrop.  As  for  Eli- 
jah, he  did  n't  know  nothin'  about  it  an' 
I  sha'n't  tell  him,  you  may  be  sure,  for  he's 
the  one  as  eats  all  the  bread  —  I  never 
touch  it  myself,  as  you  well  know." 


84 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 


CHAPTER  VI 
THE  EDITOR'S  ADVICE  COLUMN 

'T'M  a  good  deal  worried  over  Elijah," 
JL  Miss  Clegg  said  to  Mrs.  Lathrop,  one 
day  when  the  new  paper  was  about  three 
weeks  old,  and  when  the  town  had  begun 
to  take  both  it  and  its  editor  with  reason- 
able calm;  "he  does  have  so  many  ideas. 
Some  of  his  ideas  are  all  right  as  far  as  I 
can  see,  but  he  has  'em  so  thick  an'  fast 
that  it  worries  me  more'n  a  little.  It 
ain't  natural  to  have  new  ideas  all  the  time 
an'  no  one  in  this  community  ever  does  it. 
He's  forever  tellin'  me  of  some  new  way 
he's  thought  of  for  branchin'  out  some- 
where an'  his  branches  make  me  more'n 
a  little  nervous.  The  old  ways  is  good 
enough  for  us  an'  I  try  to  hold  him  down 
to  that  idea,  but  first  he  wants  me  to  get 

85 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

a  new  kind  of  flatirons  as  takes  off  while 
you  heat  it,  an'  next  he  wants  me  to  fix 
the  paper  all  over  new. 

"  I  brought  over  some  thin'  as  he  wrote 
last  night  to  read  you,  an'  show  you  how 
curious  his  brains  do  mix  up  things.  He 
brought  it  down  this  mornin'  an'  read  it 
to  me,  an'  I  asked  him  to  give  it  to  me  to 
read  to  you.  I  was  goin'  to  bring  it  to 
you  anyway,  but  then  he  said  as  I  could 
too,  so  it 's  all  right  either  way.  It 's  some 
of  his  new  ideas  an'  he  said  he'd  be  no  thin' 
but  glad  to  have  you  hear  'em  'cause 
he  says  the  more  he  lives  with  me  the 
more  respect  he's  got  for  your  hearin' 
an'  judgment.  He  asked  me  what  I 
thought  of  it  first,  an'  I  told  him 
frank  an'  open  as  I  did  n't  know  what 
under  the  sun  to  think  of  it.  I  meant 
that,  too,  for  I  certainly  never  heard 
no  thin'  like  it  in  my  life  afore,  so  he 
said  we  could  both  read  it  to-day  an'  I 
could  tell  him  what  we  thought  to-night, 
when  he  come  home. 
86 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

"  Wh —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop,  with  real 
interest. 

"Well,  seems  he's  been  thinkin' as  it's 
time  to  begin  to  show  us  how  up-to-date 
he  looks  on  life,  he  says,  an'  as  a  conse- 
quence he's  openin'  up  what  he  calls  the 
field  of  the  future.  He  says  he's  goin'  to 
have  a  editorial  this  week  on  beginnin' 
from  now  on  to  make  every  issue  of  the 
Megaphone  just  twice  as  good  as  the  one 
afore.  I  told  him  if  he  really  meant  what 
he  said  it  could  n't  possibly  be  worth  no 
dollar  a  year  now,  but  he  said  wait  an'  see 
an'  time  would  tell  an'  virtue  be  her  own 
reward.  He  says  he's  goin'  to  make  ar- 
rangements with  a  woman  in  the  city  for 
a  beauty  column,  an'  arrangements  with 
some  other  woman  as  is  a  practical  pre- 
server, an'  have  a  piece  each  time  on  how 
to  be  your  own  dressmaker  once  you  get 
cut  out;  I  thought  that  these  things  was 
about  enough  for  one  paper,  but  oh  my !  he 
went  on  with  a  string  more,  as  long  as 
your  arm.  He's  goin'  to  begin  to  have  a 
87 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

advice  column  too,  right  off,  an'  that's  this 
I've  brought  over  to  read  you;  he  says 
lots  of  folks  want  advice  an'  don't  want 
to  tell  no  one  nor  pay  no  thin'  an'  they  can 
all  write  him  an'  get  their  answers  on  any- 
thin'  in  the  wide  world  when  the  paper 
comes  out  Saturday.  I  could  n't  but  open 
my  eyes  a  little  at  that,  for  I  know  a  many 
as  need  advice  as  I  should  n't  consider 
Elijah  knew  enough  to  give,  but  Elijah's 
a  man  an'  in  consequence  don't  know  any- 
thin'  about  how  little  he  does  know,  so  I 
didn't  say  nothin'  more  on  that  subject. 
He's  full  of  hope  an'  says  he's  soon  goin' 
to  show  big  city  papers  what  genius  can 
do  single-handed  with  a  second-hand 
printin'  press,  an'  he  talked  an'  talked  till 
I  really  had  to  tell  him  that  if  he  did  n't 
want  his  breakfast  he'd  have  to  go  back 
to  bed  or  else  down  town." 

"  Is  the  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Yes,  this  is  it.  He  done  it  last  night 
an'  he  give  it  to  me  this  mornin'  to  read  to 
you.  It 's  to  be  called  '  The  Advice  Column ' 
88 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

an'  he's  goin'  to  head  it  'Come  to  My 
Bosom'  an'  sign  it  'Aunt  Abby'  'cause  of 
course  if  he  signed  it  himself  he  'd  be  liable 
for  breach  of  promise  from  any  girl  as  read 
the  headin'  an'  chose  to  think  he  meant 
her." 

41  But  who  —  ?"  began  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Why,  nobody  the  first  week,  of  course. 
He  had  to  make  'em  up  himself  —  an'  the 
answers  too,  an'  that's  what  makes  it  all 
seem  so  silly  to  me.  But  he  did  work 
over  it,  —  he  says  no  one  knows  the  work 
of  gettin'  people  stirred  up  to  enthusiasm 
in  a  small  town  like  this,  an'  he  says  he'd 
ought  to  have  a  martyr's  crown  of  thorns, 
he  thinks,  for  even  thinkin'  of  gettin'  a 
advice  column  started  when  most  of  his 
energies  is  still  got  to  go  try  in'  to  get  our 
fund  for  the  famine  big  enough  to  make  it 
pay  to  register  the  letter  when  the  cheque 
goes.  He  says  the  trouble  with  the  fund 
is  no  one  has  no  relations  there  an'  a  good 
many  thought  as  it  was  mostly  Chinamen 
as  is  starvin'  anyhow.  Elijah  says  the 
89 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

world  is  most  dreadful  hard-hearted  about 
Chinamen  —  they  don't  seem  to  consider 
them  as  of  any  use  a  tall.  He  says  it 's 
mighty  hard  to  get  up  a  interest  in  any- 
thin  '  here  anyhow,  Lord  knows  —  for  he 
says  that  San  Francisco  fund  an'  what 
become  of  it  has  certainly  been  a  pill  an' 
no  mistake.  The  nearest  he  come  to  that 
was  gettin'  a  letter  as  Phoebe  White  wrote 
the  deacon  about  how  the  government 
relief  train  run  right  through  the  town 
she's  in,  but  Elijah  says  after  all  his  efforts 
he  has  n't  swelled  the  famine  fund  thirty- 
five  cents  this  week.  He  says  Clightville 
has  give  nine  dollars  an'  Meadville  has 
give  fifteen  dollars  an'  two  barrels  an'  a 
mattress,  if  anybody  wants  it  C.  O.  D.,  an' 
here  we  are  stuck  hard  at  six  dollars  an'  a 
quarter  an'  two  pennies  as  the  minister's 
twins  brought  just  after  they  choked  on 
them  licorish  marbles." 

"  Did  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"No,  I  didn't.  I  tell  you  what,  Mrs. 
Lathrop,  I  keep  a  learnin';  in  regard  to 
90 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

givin'  to  funds  I've  learned  a  very  good 
trick  from  Rockefeller  an'  Carnegie  in  the 
papers;  they  come  to  me  about  that  San 
Francisco  one  an'  I  said  right  out  frank  an' 
open  that  if  the  town  would  give  five  hun- 
dred dollars  I'd  give  fifty.  That  shut  up 
every  one's  mouth  an'  set  every  one  to 
thinkin'  how  much  I  was  willin'  to  give  an' 
as  a  matter  of  fact  I  did  n't  give  no  thin'  a 
tall" 

"  But  about  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Yes,"  said  Susan,  opening  the  paper 
which  she  had  in  her  hand,  "I  was  just 
thinkin'  of  it,  too.  I'll  read  it  to  you 
right  off  now  an'  you  see  if  you  don't  think 
about  as  I  do.  I  think  myself  as  Elijah's 
made  some  pretty  close  cuts  at  people,  only 
of  course  every  one  will  guess  as  he  must 
of  made  'em  up  'cause  they  don't  really 
fit  to  no  one.  Still,  it 's  a  risky  business  an' 
I  wish  he'd  let  it  alone  for  he  lives  in  my 
house  an'  I  know  lots  of  folks  as  is  mean 
enough  to  say  that  these  things  was  like 
enough  said  to  him  by  me  —  a  view  as  is 

91 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

far  from  likely  to  make  my  friends  any 
more  friendly." 

"  Do  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Yes,  I'm  goin'  to."  Then  Miss  Clegg 
drew  a  long  breath  and  re-began  thus : 

"  Well,  now,  the  first  is,  '  How  can  you 
put  pickles  up  so  they'll  keep  the  year 
'round?"  She  paused  there  and  looked 
expectantly  at  the  placid  Mrs.  Lathrop 
as  if  she  was  asking  a  riddle  or  conducting 
an  examination  for  the  benefit  of  her 
friend.  Mrs.  Lathrop,  however,  had  turned 
and  was  looking  the  other  way  so  it  was 
only  when  the  length  of  the  pause  brought 
her  to  herself  with  a  violent  start,  that  she 
answered : 

"  My  heavens  ali  —  " 

"The  answer  is,"  said  Susan  promptly, 
'"Put    'em  up  so  high  that  nobody  can 
reach  them. ' ' 
Mrs.  Lathrop  opened  her  eyes. 

"  I  don't  —  "  she  protested. 

"No,    I    didn't    think   as   it   was   very 
sensible   myself,"   responded   Susan,    "but 
92 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

do  you  know,  Elijah  laughed  out  loud  over 
it.  That's  what's  funny  about  Elijah  to 
my  order  of  thinkin'  —  he's  so  amused  at 
himself.  He  thinks  that's  one  of  the  best 
things  he's  done  as  a  editor,  he  says,  an' 
I'm  sure  I  can't  see  nothin'  funny  in  it 
any  more  than  you  can.  An'  you  don't  see 
nothin'  funny  in  it,  do  you?" 

" No,"  said  Mrs.  Lathrop,  " I  —  " 

"Nor  me  neither,"  said  Susan,  "an'  now 
the  next  one  is  sillier  yet,  to  my  order  of 
thinkin'.  It's  a  letter  an'  begins,  'Dear 
Aunt  Abby;'  then  it  says,  'Do  you  think 
it  is  possible  to  be  happy  with  a  young 
man  with  freckles?  My  husband  says  Yes, 
but  my  mother  says  No.  He's  my  hus- 
band's son  by  his  first  wife.  I  have  twins 
myself.  I  want  the  boy  sent  to  a  home 
of  some  sort.  What  do  you  think?  Yours 
affectionately  —  Ada. ' 

"What  under  the — "  ejaculated  Mrs. 
Lathrop. 

"Just  what  I  said,"  said  Susan.  "I 
could  n't  make  head  or  tail  out  of  it  myself 
93 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

an'  I'm  afraid  it'll  make  Deacon  White 
mad  'cause  Polly 's  his  second  wife  —  yes, 
an'  the  minister's  got  two  wives,  too.  I 
tried  to  make  Elijah  see  that  but  he  just 
said  to  read  the  answer." 

"What  is  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Oh,  the  answer's  just  as  dumbfoun- 
derin'  as  the  question,  I  think.  The  answer 
says,  '  Hang  on  to  the  boy.  If  you  get 
the  twin  habit  he'll  prove  invaluable.' 

"Well,  I  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop,  dis- 
gustedly. 

"  I  told  Elijah  that  myself.  I  said  that 
the  minister  was  bound  to  feel  hurt  over 
the  second  wife  part,  but  with  twins  in 
the  answer  he's  sure  to  feel  it  means  him 
an'  I  expect  he'll  maybe  stop  takin'  the 
paper  an'  join  Mrs.  Macy's  club.  Mrs. 
Macy  got  real  mad  at  somethin'  Mr.  Kim- 
ball  sold  her  last  week  an'  as  a  consequence 
she  went  an'  made  what  she  calls  her 
Newspaper  Club,  she  rents  her  paper  for 
a  cent  a  day  now  an'  she  made  four  cents 
last  week.  She  says  if  Elijah  Doxey  ever 
94 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

says  any  thin'  in  the  paper  about  her  again 
she'll  take  three  papers  an'  rent  'em  at 
two  mills  a  day  an'  supply  the  whole  town 
an'  wreck  him  so  flat  he'll  have  to  hire 
out  to  pick  hops.  I  told  Elijah  what  she 
said  an'  he  said  for  the  Lord's  sake  to  tell 
Mrs.  Macy  as  her  toes  was  hereafter  per- 
fectly safe  from  all  his  treads.  I  told  her, 
but  she  says  he  need  n't  think  quotin' 
from  poets  is  goin'  to  inspire  faith  in  him 
in  her  very  soon  again.  She  says  over  in 
Meadville  it's  town  talk  as  Elijah  Doxey  is 
havin'  just  a  box  of  monkeys'  fun  with  us." 

"Do  you —  "  cried  Mrs.  Lathrop,  open- 
eyed. 

"No,  I  don't,  for  I  asked  him  an'  he 
crossed  his  heart  to  the  contrary.  But 
really,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  you  must  let  me  read 
the  rest  of  this  for  I've  got  to  be  gettin' 
home  to  get  supper." 

"Go  -    "  said  the  neighbor. 

"No,  I  won't  till  I've  done.  The  next 
one  is  this  one  an'  it  says,  '  How  long  ought 
any  one  to  wait  to  get  married?  I  have 
95 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

waited  several  years  an'  there  is  no  thin* 
against  the  man  except  he's  eighty-two 
an'  paralyzed.  I  am  seventy-nine.  Pa  an' 
Ma  oppose  the  match  an'  are  the  oldest 
couple  in  the  country,'  an'  Elijah  has 
signed  it  '  Lovin'ly,  Rosy  '  —  of  all  the 
silly  things!" 

"  He  must  be  —  "  cried  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"I  should  think  so,"  said  Susan;  "why, 
he  was  rollin'  all  over  the  sofa  laughin' 
over  that.  The  answer  is,  '  I  would  wait 
a  little  longer  —  you  can  lose  no  thin'  by 
patience.'  I  call  that  pretty  silly,  too." 

"  I  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Yes,  indeed,"  said  Susan,  folding  up  the 
paper,  "I  felt  it  an'  I  said  it,  an'  I  knew 
you'd  feel  to  agree.  I  like  Elijah,  but  I 
must  say  as  I  don't  like  his  Advice 
Column,  an'  I'd  never  be  one  to  advise 
no  one  to  write  to  it  for  advice.  His  an- 
swers don't  seem  to  tell  you  nothin',  to 
my  order  of  thinkin',  an'  that  one  about 
the  pickles  struck  me  just  like  a  slap  in 
my  face." 

96 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

:<  I  'd  never  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Nor  me  neither.  If  I  want  to  know  I 
come  to  you." 

"And  I  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop  warmly. 

"I  know  you  would,"  said  her  friend, 
"whatever  faults  you've  got,  Mrs.  La- 
throp, I'd  always  feel  that  about  you." 


97 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 


CHAPTER  VII 

MRS.    MACY    AND    THE    CONVENTION 

MRS.  LATHROP  was  out  in  the  gar- 
den, pottering  around  in  an  aimless 
sort  of  way  which  she  herself  designated 
as  "looking  after  things,"  but  which  her 
friend  and  neighbor  called  "wastin'  time 
an'  strength  on  no  thin'."  Whenever  Miss 
Clegg  perceived  Mrs.  Lathrop  thus  engaged 
she  always  interrupted  her  occupation  as 
speedily  as  possible.  On  the  occasion  of 
which  I  write,  she  emerged  from  her  own 
kitchen  door  at  once,  and  called: 

"Oh,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  come  here,  I've  got 
a  surprise  for  you." 

Mrs.  Lathrop  forthwith  ceased  to  gaze 
fondly  and  absent-mindedly  over  her  half- 
acre  of  domain,  and  advanced  to  the  fence. 
Miss  Clegg  also  advanced  to  the  fence,  and 

98 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

upon  its  opposite  sides  the  following  con- 
versation took  place. 

"I  went  to  see  Mrs.  Macy  yesterday 
afternoon,"  Miss  Clegg  began,  "an'  I  saw 
her  an'  that's  what  the  surprise  come 
from." 

"  She  is  n't  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop  anx- 
iously. 

"Oh,  no,  she's  all  right  —  that  is,  she's 
pretty  nearly  all  right,  but  I  may  remark 
as  the  sight  an'  hearin'  of  her  this  day  is 
a  everlastin'  lesson  on  lettin'  women  be 
women  an'  allowin'  men  to  keep  on  bein' 
men  for  some  years  to  come  yet.  Mrs. 
Macy  says  for  her  part  she's  felt  that  way 
all  along  but  every  one  said  it  was  her  duty 
an*  she  says  she  always  makes  a  point  of 
doin'  her  duty,  an'  this  time  it  was  goin' 
to  give  her  a  free  trip  to  town,  too,  so  the 
hand  of  Providence  seemed  to  her  to  be 
even  more'n  unusually  plainly  stuck  out 
at  her." 

"Oh,"  said  Mrs.  Lathrop  — "  you 
mean  —  " 

99 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

"Of  course  I  do,"  said  Susan,  "but  wait 
till  I  tell  you  how  it  come  out.  It's  come 
out  now,  an'  all  different  from  how  you 
know." 

"I  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Well,  you  wait  an'  listen,"  said  the 
friend, —  "you  wait  an'  listen  an'  then 
you'll  know,  too." 

"I  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop,  submissively. 

"She  says,"  Miss  Clegg  went  on,  "that 
we  all  know  (an'  that's  true,  too,  'cause  I 
told  you  that  before)  as  she  was  never 
much  took  with  the  idea  even  in  the  first 
of  it.  She  says  as  she  thinks  as  Elijah's 
ideas  is  gettin'  most  too  progressive  an' 
if  he  ain't  checked  we'll  very  soon  find 
ourselves  bein'  run  over  by  some  of  his 
ideas  instead  of  pushed  forward.  She  says 
woman's  clubs  is  very  nice  things  an'  Mrs. 
Lupey  takes  a  deal  of  pleasure  with  the 
one  in  Meadville  (whenever  they  don't 
meet  at  her  house)  —  but  Mrs.  Macy  says 
our  sewin'  society  ain't  no  club  an*  never 
was  no  club,  an'  she  considers  as  it  was 
100 


A  MAN   IN  THE  HOUSE 

overdrawin'  on  Elijah's  part  to  start  the 
question  of  its  sendin'  a  delegate  to  any 
federation  of  any  kind  of  woman's  clubs. 
She  says  she  can't  see  —  an'  she  said  at 
the  meetin'  as  elected  her,  that  she 
couldn't  see  —  what  our  sewin'  society 
could  possibly  get  out  of  any  convention, 
for  you  can  buy  all  the  patterns  by  mail 
now  just  as  well  as  if  you  have  'em  all  to 
look  over.  An'  then  she  says,  too,  as  no 
one  on  the  face  of  kingdom  come  could 
ever  be  crazy  enough  to  suppose  as  any 
convention  could  ever  get  any  thin'  out  of 
our  delegates,  so  what  was  the  use  of  us 
an'  them  ever  tryin'  to  get  together  a  tall. 
I  thought  she  was  very  sensible  yesterday, 
an'  I  thought  she  was  very  sensible  at  the 
meetin'  as  elected  her,  an'  I  tried  to  talk 
to  Elijah,  but  Elijah's  so  dead  set  on  our 
bein'  up  to  time  with  every  Tom,  Dick  an' 
Harry  as  comes  along  with  any  kind  of  a 
new  plan,  that  I  can't  seem  to  get  him  to 
understand  as  no  one  in  this  town  wants 
to  be  up  to  time  —  we  're  a  great  deal 
101 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

better  suited  takin'  our  own  time  like  we 
always  did  until  he  come  among  us.  Mrs. 
Macy  says  as  we  all  know  as  no  one 
wanted  to  be  a  delegate  to  the  federation 
to  begin  with,  an'  you  know  that  yourself, 
Mrs.  Lathrop,  for  I  was  there  an'  Elijah's 
idea  resulted  in  the  first  place  in  every 
one's  stayin'  away  from  that  meetin'  for 
fear  as  they'd  be  asked  to  go.  They  had 
to  set  another  day  for  the  sewin'  society 
an'  even  then  a  good  many  cleaned  house 
instead  for  a  excuse,  an'  Mrs.  Sweet  said 
right  out  as  she  did  n't  believe  as  any  of 
us  knowed  enough  to  go  to  a  convention 
an'  so  we'd  better  all  stay  home.  I  had 
to  speak  up  at  that  an'  say  as  Elijah  had 
told  me  as  things  was  fixed  now  so  folks 
as  did  n't  know  any  thin'  could  go  to  a 
convention  just  as  well  as  any  one  else,  but 
Mrs.  Jilkins  said  in  that  case  she  should 
feel  as  if  she  was  wast  in'  her  time  along 
with  a  lot  of  fools,  an'  what  she  said  made 
such  a  impression  that  in  the  end  the  only 
one  as  they  could  possibly  get  to  go  was 
102 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

Mrs.  Macy,  so  they  elected  her.  Mrs.  Macy 
was  n't  enthusiastic  about  bein'  elected,  a 
tall,  but  Mrs.  Lupey  is  her  cousin  an'  Mrs. 
Lupey  was  the  Meadville  delegate,  an'  she 
says  she  thought  as  they  could  sit  together, 
an'  Mrs.  Lupey  wanted  to  go  to  the  city 
anyway  about  reducin'  her  flesh,  an'  Mrs. 
Macy  said  that  was  sure  to  be  interestin' 
for  the  one  as  Mrs.  Lupey  likes  best  is  the 
one  as  you  run  chains  of  marbles  up  an' 
down  your  back  alone  by  yourself,  an* 
Mrs.  Macy  wanted  to  see  them  givin'  Mrs. 
Lupey  full  directions  for  no  thin'  —  she 
thought  it  would  be  so  amusin'  —  an'  so  in 
the  end  she  said  she  'd  go. 

"  Well,  she  says  foreign  folks  before  they 
come  to  this  country  is  wise  compared  to 
her!  She  was  tellin'  me  all  about  it  this 
afternoon.  I  never  hear  such  a  tale  —  not 
even  from  Gran 'ma  Mullins.  She  says 
Elijah  sent  in  her  name  an'  they  filed  her 
next  day  an'  she  says  they've  never  quit 
sendin'  her  the  film's  ever  since.  I  told 
you  as  I  heard  in  the  square  she  was  get- 
103 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

tin'  a  good  deal  of  mail  but  I  never  mis- 
trusted how  much  until  she  showed  me 
her  box  for  kindlin'  fires  next  winter. 
Why,  she  says  it's  beyond  all  belief!  The 
right  end  of  the  box  has  got  the  papers  as 
was  n't  worth  nothin'  an'  the  left  end  has 
got  them  as  is  really  valuable.  Well,  after 
I'd  looked  at  the  box  we  set  down  an'  she 
told  me  the  hide  an'  hair  of  the  whole 
thing.  She  says  at  first  she  got  letters 
from  everybody  under  the  sun  askin'  her 
her  opinions  an'  views,  some  about  things 
as  she  never  heard  of  before  an'  others  as 
to  things  as  she  considers  a  downright 
insult  to  consider  as  she  might  know  about. 
But  she  says  views  an'  insults  don't  really 
matter  much,  after  you  reach  her  age,  so 
she  let  those  all  go  into  the  box  together 
an'  thought  she'd  think  no  more  about  it. 
She  says  there  was  only  just  one  as  she 
really  minded  an'  that  was  the  one  about 
her  switch.  Seems  she  was  n't  decided 
about  even  wearin'  her  switch  to  the  con- 
vention, for  she  says  it 's  very  hard  to  get 
104 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

both  ends  of  a  switch  fastened  in  at  the 
same  do-up  an'  one  end  looks  about  as 
funny  as  the  other,  stickin'  out,  but  she 
says  you  can  maybe  imagine  her  feelin's 
when  a  man  as  she  wouldn't  know  from 
Adam  wrote  her  a  letter  beginning  'Hello, 
hello,  why  don't  you  have  that  dyed?'  an' 
a  picture  of  him  lookin'  at  a  picture  of  her 
very  own  switch  with  a  microscope!  She 
says  she  never  was  so  took  aback  in  all  her 
life.  There  was  another  picture  on  the 
envelope  of  the  man  at  a  telephone  an' 
he'd  got  all  the  other  delegates'  switches 
done  an'  hangin'  up  to  dry  for  'em  an'  she 
says  she  will  say  as  the  law  against  sendin' 
such  things  through  the  mail  had  cer- 
tainly ought  to  be  applied  to  that  man 
right  then  an'  there.  She  says  it 's  years 
since  she's  got  red  from  any  thin'  but  bein' 
mad,  but  she  was  red  from  both  kinds  of 
woman's  feelin's  then  an'  don't  you  forget 
it.  But  laws,  she  says  switches  is  child's 
play  to  what  another  man  wrote  her  about 
his  garters.  Not  her  garters  but  his  gar- 
105 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

ters,  mind  you,  Mrs.  Lathrop.  Would  you 
believe  that  that  other  man  had  the  face 
to  ask  her  point-blank  if,  while  she  was  in 
town,  she'd  be  so  kind  as  to  give  five 
minutes  to  comin'  an'  lookin'  at  his  gar- 
ters!—  at  his  garters!  He  said  they 
hooked  onto  his  shoulders  an'  he  just 
wanted  a  chance  to  tell  her  how  comfort- 
able they  was.  Well,  she  says  the  idea 
of  any  man's  garters  bein'  of  any  interest 
to  a  widow  was  surely  most  new  to  her, 
an'  it  was  all  she  could  do  to  keep  from 
writin'  an'  tellin'  him  so.  She  says  she 
never  hear  the  beat  of  such  impertinence 
in  all  her  life.  Why,  she  says  when  she 
had  a  husband  she  never  took  no  special 
interest  in  his  garters  as  she  recollects. 
She  says  she  remembers  as  he  used  to  pull 
up  when  he  first  got  up  in  the  mornin'  an' 
then  calmly  wrinkle  down  all  day,  but 
she  says  if  her  lawful  husband's  garters' 
wrinkles  didn't  interest  her,  it  ain't  in 
reason  as  any  other  man's  not  wrinklin'  is 
goin'  to.  But  she  says  that  ain't  all  what- 
106 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

ever  I  may  think  (or  you  either,  Mrs.  La- 
throp),  for  although  the  rest  ain't  maybe  so 
bad,  still  it's  bad  enough  an'  you'll  both 
agree  to  that  when  you  hear  it,  I  know. 
She  says  more  men  wrote  her,  an'  more, 
an'  more,  an'  the  things  they  said  was 
about  all  she  could  stand,  so  help  her 
Heaven!  One  asked  her  if  she  knowed  she 
needed  a  new  carpet  an'  he  happened  to 
keep  carpets,  an'  another  told  her  her 
house  needed  paintin'  an'  he  happened  to 
keep  paint,  an'  another  just  come  out  flat 
as  a  flounder  an'  said  if  she  knowed  how 
old  her  stove  was,  she'd  come  straight  to 
him  the  first  thing,  an'  he  happened  to 
keep  stoves.  An'  she  says  they  need  n't 
suppose  as  she  was  n't  sharp  enough  to  see 
as  every  last  one  of  them  letters  was  really 
writ  to  sound  unselfish,  but  with  the  mean- 
in'  underneath  of  maybe  gettin'  her  to 
buy  somethin'. 

"An'  then  she  says  there  come  a  new 
kind  as  really  frightened  her  by  gettin' 
most  too  intimate  on  postal  cards." 
107 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

"  On  postal  -    "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Yes  —  on  postal  cards.  One  wrote  as 
she  could  get  her  husband  back  if  she'd 
only  follow  his  direction,  an'  she  says  the 
last  thing  she  wants  is  to  get  her  husband 
back,  even  if  he  is  only  just  simply  dead; 
an'  another  told  her  if  she'd  go  through 
his  exercises  she  could  get  fat  or  thin  just 
as  she  pleased,  an'  the  exercises  was  done 
in  black  without  no  clothes  on  around  the 
edge  of  the  card,  an'  Mrs.  Macy  says  when 
Johnny  handed  her  the  card  at  the  post 
office  she  like  to  of  died  then  an'  there. 
Why,  she  says  they  was  too  bad  to  put  in 
a  book,  even  —  they  was  too  bad  to  even 
send  Mrs.  Lupey!" 

"  Wh  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Then  on  Monday  last  still  another  new 
kind  begin  an'  they've  been  comin'  more 
an'  more  each  mail.  They  was  the  con- 
vention itself  beginnin'  on  her.  An'  she 
says  she  don't  know  whether  they  was  a 
improvement  or  worse  to  come.  One  wrote 
an'  told  her  if  she  was  temperance  to 
108 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

report  to  them  the  first  thing,  an'  then 
stand  shoulder  to  shoulder  from  then  on 
straight  through  the  whole  week.  Well, 
Mrs.  Macy  says  she  could  n't  consider  goin' 
anywhere  an'  standin'  up  through  a  whole 
week  so  she  wrote  'em  she  was  for  the 
Family  Entrance,  where  everybody  can  sit 
down,  an'  she  feels  bad  because  she's  a 
great  believer  in  temperance,  but  she  says 
she  can't  help  it,  she's  got  to  have  a  chair 
anywhere  where  she's  to  stay  for  a  week. 
So  temperance  loses  Mrs.  Macy.  Then 
woman's  sufferige  did  n't  wait  to  ask  her 
what  she  was,  but  sent  her  a  button  an' 
told  her  to  sew  it  right  on  right  then  an' 
there.  She  says  she  was  feelin'  so  bad 
over  the  temperance  that  she  was  only  too 
glad  to  be  agreeable  about  the  button  so 
she  done  it,  but  it's  hard  to  button  over 
on  a 'count  of  bein'  a  star  with  the  usual 
spikes  an'  the  only  place  where  she  needed 
a  button  was  on  her  placket  hole,  an'  a 
spiked  button  in  the  back  of  your  petti- 
coat is  far  from  bein'  amusin'  although  she 
109 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

says  she  can't  but  think  as  it's  a  very  good 
badge  for  suflerige  whenever  she  steps  on 
it  in  steppin'  out  of  her  clothes  at  night. 
Then  next  she  got  a  letter  askin'  her  if 
she'd  join  the  grand  battalion  to  rally 
around  the  flag,  an'  she  says  it  was  right 
then  an'  there  as  she  begin  to  fill  the 
kindlin'  box. 

"Well,  she  says  she'd  got  the  box  half 
full  when  to-day  she  got  the  final  slam  in 
her  face! 

"There  came  this  mornin'  her  directions 
for  goin'  an'  she  says  when  she  see  for  the 
first  time  just  the  whole  width  of  what  she 
was  let  in  to  she  most  fell  over  backward 
then  an'  there. 

"  First  was  a  badge  with  a  very  good 
safety  pin  as  she  can  always  use;  she  says 
she  didn't  mind  the  badge.  Then  there 
was  paper  tellin'  her  as  she  was  M.  1206 
an'  not  to  let  it  slip  her  mind  an'  to  mark 
everythin'  she  owned  with  it  an'  sew  it  in 
her  hat  an'  umbrella.  Then  there  was  a 
map  of  the  city  with  blue  lines  an'  pink 
110 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

squares  an'  a  sun  without  any  sense  shinin' 
square  in  the  middle.  Then  there  was  a 
paper  as  she  must  fill  out  an'  return  by  the 
nex,t  mail  if  she  was  meanin'  to  eat  or  sleep 
durin'  the  week.  Then  there  was  four 
labels  all  to  be  writ  with  her  name  an'  her 
number  an'  one  was  for  her  trunk  if  it 
weighed  over  a  hundred  pounds,  an'  one 
was  for  her  trunk  if  it  weighed  under  a 
hundred  pounds,  an'  one  was  for  her  trunk 
if  it  was  a  suit  case,  an'  one  was  for  her 
trunk  if  it  was  n't. 

"Well,  Mrs.  Macy  says  you  can  maybe 
imagine  how  her  head  was  swimmin'  by 
this  time  an'  the  more  she  read  how  she 
was  to  be  looked  out  for,  the  more  scared 
she  got  over  what  might  possibly  happen 
to  her.  She  says  it  was  just  shock  after 
shock.  There  was  a  letter  offerin'  to  pray 
with  her  any  time  she'd  telephone  first, 
an'  a  letter  tellin'  her  not  to  overpay  the 
hack,  an'  a  letter  say  in'  as  it 's  always  dark- 
est afore  dawn,  an'  if  she'd  got  any  money 
saved  up  to  bring  it  along  with  her  an* 
111 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

invest  it  by  the  careful  advice  of  him  as 
had  the  letter  printed  at  his  own  expense. 
Why,  she  says  she  did  n't  know  which  way 
to  turn  or  what  to  do  next  she  was  that 
mixed  up. 

"An'  then  yesterday  mornin'  come  the 
final  bang  as  bu'sted  Mrs.  Macy!  She  got 
a  letter  from  a  man  as  said  he'd  meet  her 
in  the  station  an'  tattoo  her  name  right  on 
her  in  the  ladies'  waitin'-room,  so  as  her 
friends  could  easy  find  her  an'  know  her 
body  at  the  morgue.  Well,  she  said  that 
ended  her.  She  says  she  never  was  one 
to  take  to  bein'  stuck  an'  so  she  just  up 
an'  wrote  to  Mrs.  Lupey  as  she  would  n't 
go  for  love  or  money  —  " 

"Why,"  cried  Mrs.  Lathrop,  "then  she 
isn't—" 

"  No,"  said  Susan,  "  she  is  n't  goin'.  She 
ain't  got  the  courage  an'  it 's  cruel  to  force 
her.  I  told  her  to  give  me  the  ticket  an' 
I'd  go  in  her  place." 


112 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 


CHAPTER  VIII 

THE    BIENNIAL 

ON  the  day  that  the  Convention  of 
Women's  Clubs  opened,  Mrs.  La- 
throp,  having  seen  her  friend  depart,  com- 
posed herself  for  a  period  of  unmitigated 
repose  which  might  possibly  last,  she 
thought,  for  several  days.  Susan  had 
awakened  her  very  early  that  morning 
to  receive  her  back  door  key  and  minute 
instructions  regarding  Elijah  and  the 
chickens.  Elijah  had  undertaken  to  look 
after  the  chickens,  but  Miss  Clegg  stated 
frankly  that  she  should  feel  better  during 
her  absence  if  her  friend  kept  a  sharp  eye 
on  him  during  the  process.  "Elijah's  got 
a  good  heart,"  said  the  delegate,  "but  that 
don't  alter  his  bein'  a  man  an'  as  a  conse- 
quence very  poor  to  depend  upon  as  to  all 
113 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

things  about  the  house.  I  don't  say  as 
I  lay  it  up  against  him  for  if  he  was  like 
Deacon  White,  an'  had  ideas  of  his  own 
as  to  starchin'  an'  butterin'  griddles,  he'd 
drive  me  mad  in  no  time,  but  still  I  shall 
take  it  as  a  personal  favor  of  you,  Mrs. 
Lathrop,  if  you'll  ask  him  whenever  you 
see  him  if  he's  remembered  all  I  told  him, 
an'  don't  let  him  forget  the  hen  as  is  think- 
in'  some  of  settin'  in  the  wood  shed,  for  if 
she  does  it,  she'll  need  food  just  as  much 
as  if  she  does  n't  do  it." 

Then  Miss  Clegg  departed,  with  her 
valise,  her  bonnet  in  a  box,  and  some 
lunch  in  another  box.  She  went  early,  for 
the  simple  reason  that  the  train  did  the 
same  thing,  and  as  soon  as  she  was  gone 
Mrs.  Lathrop,  as  I  before  remarked,  went 
straight  back  to  bed  and  to  sleep  again. 
She  had  a  feeling  that  for  a  while  at  least 
no  demand  upon  her  energies  could  pos- 
sibly be  made,  and  it  was  therefore  quite  a 
shock  to  her  when  some  hours  later  she 
heard  a  vigorous  pounding  on  her  back  door. 
114 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

Stunned  dizzy  by  the  heavy  slumber  of 
a  hot  July  day,  Mrs.  Lathrop  was  some 
minutes  in  getting  to  the  door,  and  when 
she  got  there,  was  some  seconds  in  fum- 
bling at  the  lock  with  her  dream-benumbed 
fingers;  but  in  the  end  she  got  it  open,  and 
then  was  freshly  paralyzed  by  the  sight  of 
her  friend,  standing  without,  with  her 
valise,  her  bonnet-box,  her  lunch  in  the 
other  box,  and  the  general  appearance  of 
a  weary  soldier  who  has  fought  but  not 
exactly  won. 

"Why,  Susan,  I  thought  you —  "  began 
Mrs.  Lathrop,  her  mouth  and  eyes  both 
popping  widely  open. 

"I  did,  an'  I've  got  through  an'  I've 
come  home."  Miss  Clegg  advanced  into 
the  kitchen  as  she  spoke  and  abruptly  de- 
posited her  belongings  upon  the  table  and 
herself  upon  a  chair.  "  I  've  been  to  the 
convention,"  she  said;  then,  "I've  been  to 
the  convention,  an'  I've  got  through  with 
that,  too,  an'  I've  got  home  from  that, 
too." 

115 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

"Why —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop,  advanc- 
ing into  a  more  advanced  stage  of  per- 
plexity, as  she  came  more  fully  to  herself, 
noted  more  fully  her  friend's  exceedingly 
battered  appearance,  and  folding  what  she 
had  slipped  on  well  about  her,  sought  her 
rocker. 

"I  don't  know,  I'm  sure,"  said  Susan, 
"it  beats  me  what  anybody  else  does  it 
for,  either.  But  you  must  n't  ask  me  ques- 
tions, Mrs.  Lathrop,  partly  because  I  'm  too 
tired  to  answer  them,  an'  partly  because 
I've  come  over  to  tell  you  anyhow  an'  I 
can  always  talk  faster  when  you  don't  try 
to  talk  at  the  same  time." 

Mrs.  Lathrop  took  a  fresh  wind-about 
of  her  overgarment,  and  prepared  to  hold 
her  tongue  more  tightly  than  ever. 

"In  the  first  place,"  said  Susan,  speak- 
ing in  the  highly  uplifted  key  which  we 
are  all  apt  to  adopt  under  the  stress  of 
great  excitement  mixed  with  great  fatigue; 
"  in  the  first  place,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  you  know 
as  Mrs.  Macy  insisted  on  keepin'  the  badge 
116 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

'cause  she  said  she  wanted  to  work  it  into 
that  pillow  she's  makin',  so  I  had  to  get 
along  with  the  card  as  had  her  number  on 
it.  As  a  consequence  I  naturally  had  a 
very  hard  time,  for  I  could  n't  find  Mrs. 
Lupey  an'  had  to  fiddle  my  own  canoe 
from  the  start  clear  through  to  the  finish. 
I  can  tell  you  I've  had  a  hard  day  an'  no 
one  need  n't  ever  say  Woman's  Rights  to 
me  never  again.  I'm  too  full  of  Women's 
Wrongs  for  my  own  comfort  from  now  on, 
an'  the  way  I've  been  treated  this  day 
makes  me  willin'  to  be  a  turkey  in  a  harem 
before  I'd  ever  be  a  delegate  to  nothin' 
run  by  women  again. 

"  In  the  first  place  when  I  got  to  the 
train  it  was  full  an'  while  I  was  packin' 
myself  into  the  two  little  angles  left  by  a 
very  fat  man,  a  woman  come  through  an' 
stuck  a  little  flag  in  my  bonnet  without 
my  ever  noticin'  what  she  done  an'  that 
little  flag  pretty  near  did  me  up  right  in 
the  start.  Seems,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  as  goin* 
to  a  Woman's  Convention  makes  you  every- 
117 


body's  business  but  your  own  from  the 
beginning  an'  that  little  flag  as  that  woman 
stuck  in  my  bonnet  was  a  sign  to  every  one 
as  I  was  a  delegate. 

"I  set  with  a  very  nice  lady  as  asked 
me  as  soon  as  she  see  the  little  flag  if  I 
knowed  how  to  tell  a  ham  as  has  got  con- 
sumption from  one  as  hasn't.  I  told  her  I 
did  n't  an'  she  talked  about  that  till  we 
got  to  town,  which  made  the  journey  far 
from  interestin'  an'  is  goin'  to  make  it 
very  hard  for  me  to  eat  ham  all  the  rest  of 
my  life.  Then  we  got  out  an'  I  got  rid  of 
her,  but  that  did  n't  help  me  much,  for 
I  got  two  others  as  see  the  little  flag  right 
off  an'  they  never  got  off  nor  let  up  on  me. 
I  was  took  to  a  table  as  they  had  settin' 
in  the  station  handy,  put  in  their  own 
private  census  an'  then  give  two  books  an' 
a  map  an'  seven  programs  an'  a  newspaper 
an'  a  rose,  all  to  carry  along  with  my  own 
things,  an'  then  a  little  woman  with  a  little 
black  bag  as  had  noticed  the  little  flag  too 
took  me  away,  an'  said  I  need  n't  bother 
118 


"'A  lady  come  up,  looked  at  my  flag,  an'  asked  me  if  I  was  a 
delegate  or  an  alternative.'  "     Page  119. 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

about  a  thing  for  I  could  go  with  her  an* 
welcome. 

"  I  did  n't  want  to  go  with  her,  welcome 
or  not,  but  they  all  seemed  pleased  with 
the  arrangement,  so  I  went  with  her,  an* 
I  was  more'n  a  little  mad  for  every  time 
I  dropped  the  rose  or  a  program,  tryin'  to 
get  rid  of  them,  she'd  see  it  an'  pick  it  up 
an'  give  it  back  to  me.  We  walked  a  little 
ways  in  that  pleasant  way  an'  then  she 
asked  me  how  I  was  raisin'  my  children, 
an'  I  said  I  did  n't  have  none.  She  said, 
'Oh  my,  what  would  Mr.  Roosevelt  say 
to  that?'  and  I  said  it  wasn't  his  affair 
nor  no  other  man's.  I  may  in  confidence 
remark  as  by  this  time  I  was  gettin'  a  little 
warm,  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"We  come  to  the  convention  hall  after 
a  good  long  walk  an'  I  was  quite  hot  two 
ways  by  that  time,  for  I  was  mad  an' 
awful  tired  too.  The  little  woman  left  me 
then  an'  a  lady  come  up,  looked  at  my 
flag,  an'  asked  me  if  I  was  a  delegate  or 
an  alternative  'cause  it  was  important  to 
119 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

know  right  off  in  the  beginnin'.  I  told  her 
I  was  for  Mrs.  Macy  an'  she  got  out  a  book 
an'  looked  in  it  very  carefully  to  see  for 
sure  whether  to  believe  me  or  not  an'  then 
she  told  me  to  go  on  in.  There  was  a  door 
as  squeaked  an'  they  pushed  me  through  it 
an'  I  found  myself,  bag,  flag  an'  all,  in  the 
convention. 

"Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  I  never  see  the 
beat  of  that  place  in  all  my  life.  They'd 
done  what  they  could  to  make  it  cheerful 
an*  homelike  by  paintin'  it  green  at  one 
end  but  it  was  plain  to  be  seen  as  the  paint 
soon  give  out  an'  towards  the  top  the  man 
as  was  paintin'  must  of  give  out  too,  for 
he  just  finished  up  by  doing  a  few  circles 
here  an'  there  an'  then  left  it  mainly  plain. 
Below  was  all  chairs  an'  they'd  started  to 
decorate  with  banners  but  they'd  given 
out  on  banners  even  quicker  than  on  paint 
an'  the  most  of  the  hall  was  most  simpK 

"  I  walked  up  as  far  towards  the  front  as 
I  could  an'  then  I  sat  down.  I  can't  say  as 
I  was  very  comfortable  nor  much  impressed 
120 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

an'  the  folks  further  back  was  very  restless 
an'  kept  say  in'  they  couldn't  hear  what 
was  goin'  on  on  the  platform.  There  was 
a  lady  on  the  platform  hammerin'  a  table 
for  dear  life  an'  to  my  order  of  thinkin'  any- 
body must  have  been  deaf  as  could  n't  have 
heard  her  hammerin',  but  she  looked  happy 
an'  that  was  maybe  the  main  thing,  for  a 
woman  behind  me  whispered  as  the  spirit 
of  her  with  the  hammer  just  filled  the  room. 
Well,  I  stood  it  as  long  as  I  could  an'  then 
I  got  up  an'  remarked  frank  an'  open  as  if 
every  one  would  keep  still  every  one  could 
easy  hear.  They  all  clapped  at  that,  but 
the  lady  with  the  hammer  couldn't  seem 
to  even  hear  me  an'  hammered  worse  than 
ever  all  the  while  they  was  clappin'. 

"Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  to  make  a  long 
story  short  it  was  n't  very  interestin'  —  I 
will  even  in  confidence  remark  as  I  found 
it  pretty  dull.  I  read  all  my  seven  pro- 
grams an'  made  out  as  the  first  day  was 
give  to  greetin'  an'  the  next  to  meetin'. 
The  next  was  on  trees  an'  the  one  after  that 
121 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

they  was  all  goin'  to  drive.  An'  so  on, 
an'  so  on.  Then  I  smelt  my  rose  some, 
an'  a  thorn  stuck  into  my  nose  some  an' 
the  hammerin'  made  me  very  tired  an' 
finally  a  woman  come  in  an'  said  I  had  her 
seat  so  I  give  it  to  her  with  a  glad  heart 
an'  come  out,  an'  I  never  was  happier  to 
do  anythin'  in  my  whole  life  before.  But 
I  was  hardly  out  when  a  lady  as  I  had  n't 
seen  yet  see  my  little  flag  an'  pounced  on 
me  an'  said  was  I  Miss  Clegg?  an'  I  did  n't 
see  nothin'  to  be  gained  by  sayin'  I  was  n't 
so  I  said  Yes,  I  was. 

"Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  that  was  pretty 
near  to  bein'  the  beginnin'  of  my  end. 
That  woman  hustled  me  into  a  carriage, 
give  my  valise  to  the  driver  an'  told  him 
to  be  quick.  I  was  too  dumb  did  up  by 
her  actions  to  be  able  to  think  of  anythin' 
to  say  so  I  just  sit  still,  an'  she  pinned  a 
purple  ribbon  onto  me  an'  told  me  she'd 
read  two  of  my  books  an'  died  laughin' 
only  to  look  at  me.  I  was  more  than 
afraid  as  she  was  crazy  but  she  talked  so 
122 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

fast  I  could  n't  even  see  a  chance  to  open 
my  mouth  so  I  did  n't  try. 

"  She  said  when  they  was  gettin'  ready 
for  the  convention  an'  dividin'  up  celebri- 
ties among  themselves  that  she  just  took 
me  right  off.  She  said  as  she  was  goin' 
to  give  a  lunch  for  me  an'  a  dinner  for  me 
an'  I  don't  know  what  all.  She  was  still 
talkin'  when  the  carriage  stopped  at  a  hotel. 

"  She  said  I  must  n't  mind  a  hotel  much 
'cause  her  husband  minded  company  more, 
an'  I  did  n't  see  any  sort  of  meanin'  to  her 
remark,  but  David  in  the  lions'  den  was  a 
roarin'  lion  himself  compared  to  me  that 
minute,  so  I  just  walked  behind  her  an' 
she  took  me  in  an'  up  in  a  elevator  an'  into 
a  room  with  a  bathroom  an'  a  bouquet  an' 
there  she  told  me  to  give  her  the  key  of 
the  valise  an'  she'd  unpack  while  I  was 
in  the  bath  tub. 

"Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  I'm  sure  I  never 

had  no  idea  of  needin'  a  bath  that  bad  when 

I  set  off  for  the  city  to-day,  an'  you  '11  maybe 

be  surprised  at  me  bein'  so  wax  about 

123 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

extra  washin'  in  her  hands,  but  I  was  so 
wild  to  get  away  from  her  an'  her  steady 
talk  by  that  time,  that  I  give  her  the  key 
an'  went  into  the  bathroom  an'  made  up 
my  mind  as  I  'd  try  a  bath  all  over  at  once 
for  the  first  time  in  my  life,  seein'  as  there 
did  n't  seem  to  be  nothin'  else  to  do,  an' 
the  tub  was  handy. 

"  So  I  undressed  an'  when  I  was  undressed 
I  begin  to  look  where  I  was  to  leap.  Well, 
Mrs.  Lathrop,  you  never  see  such  a  tub  as 
that  tub  in  all  your  life  before!  There 
was  a  hole  in  the  middle  of  the  bottom  an' 
the  more  water  run  in  the  more  water  run 
out.  At  first  I  could  n't  see  how  I  was 
goin'  to  manage  but  after  a  while  I  figured 
it  out  an'  see  as  there  was  nothin'  for  me 
to  do  but  to  sit  on  that  hole  an'  paddle  like 
I  was  paid  for  it  with  both  hands  at  once  to 
keep  from  being  scalded  while  the  tub  filled 
from  two  steady  spurts  one  boilin'an'  one  of 
ice  water.  Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  I  never  felt 
nothin'  like  that  kind  of  a  bath  before! 

"  If  I  tried  to  wash  anywhere  as  was  at 
124 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

all  difficult  I  lost  my  grip  on  the  hole  an* 
the  water  went  out  with  a  swish  as  made 
Niagara  look  like  a  cow's  tail  afore  I  could 
possibly  get  in  position  again.  I  was  n't 
more'n  halfway  down  my  washin'  when 
the  awfulest  noise  begin  outside  an'  the 
convention  itself  was  babes  sleepin'  in 
soothin'  syrup  compared  to  whatever  was 
goin'  on  in  that  next  room. 

"I  tell  you  I  got  out  of  that  tub  in  a 
hurry  an'  rubbed  off  as  best  I  could  with 
a  very  thick  towel  marked  'Bath'  as  was 
laid  on  the  floor  all  ready,  an'  got  into  my 
clothes  an'  went  out. 

"Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  you  may  believe 
me  or  not  just  as  you  please,  but  it  was 
another  lady  with  another  delegate  with 
another  purple  ribbon  an'  another  little  flag. 
The  ladies  was  very  mad  an'  the  other 
delegate  was  bitin'  her  lips  an'  lookin'  out 
the  window.  In  the  end  the  ladies  was  so 
mad  they  went  down  to  the  telephone  an' 
left  the  delegate  an'  me  alone  in  the  room 
together. 

125 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

"Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  you  can  believe 
me  or  not  just  as  you  please,  but  that  other 
delegate  asked  me  my  name  an'  when  I 
told  her  she  said  it  was  her  name,  too. 
Then  she  laughed  until  she  cried  an'  said 
she  never  hear  anythin'  to  beat  us.  She 
said  it  was  all  as  clear  as  day  to  her  an' 
that  she  should  write  a  story  about  it. 
She  said  about  all  she  got  out  of  life  was 
writin'  stories  about  it  an'  she  never  lost 
a  chance  to  make  a  good  one.  She  said 
she  wished  I'd  stay  with  her  an'  I  could 
have  half  the  bed  an'  half  of  that  same  tub 
as  long  as  I  like. 

"Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  the  long  an'  short 
of  it  was  as  I  felt  that  no  matter  how  kind 
she  was  I  wouldn't  never  be  able  to  be 
happy  anywhere  where  I  had  to  be  around 
with  a  woman  who  talked  all  the  time,  an' 
sleep  in  a  bed  with  another  Susan  Clegg,  an' 
wash  in  a  tub  as  you  have  to  stop  up  with 
some  of  yourself,  so  I  just  took  my  things 
an'  come  home  by  the  noon  train  an'  I'll 
stay  here  one  while  now,  too,  I  guess." 
126 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

"I  — "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Yes,  I  was  just  going  to  ask  you  where 
you  put  it,"  said  Miss  Clegg,  "I  shall  need 
it  to  get  in  the  back  door." 

"  It's  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"I  can  get  it  myself,"  said  her  friend, 
rising.  "Well,  good-bye.  I  won't  deny  as 
I'm  mad  for  my  lunch  won't  be  any  the 
better  for  ridin'  to  town  an'  back  this  hot 
day,  but  the  Lord  fits  the  back  to  the 
burden,  so  I  guess  Elijah  will  be  able  to 
eat  it,  leastways  if  he  don't  he  won't  get 
nothin'  else,  —  I  know  that,  for  it  was  him 
as  got  up  the  fine  idea  of  sending  a  delegate 
from  the  sewin'  society  to  the  convention 
an'  I  don't  thank  him  none  for  it,  I  know 
that.'1 

"You — "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop,  mildly. 

" I  ain't  sure,"  said  Miss  Clegg.  " Elijah 
strikes  me  as  more  thorns  than  roses  this 
night.  I  never  was  one  to  feel  a  longin' 
for  new  experiences,  an'  I  've  had  too  many 
to-day,  as  he  '11  very  soon  learn  to  his  sorrow 
when  he  comes  home  to-night." 
127 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 


CHAPTER  IX 

THE  FAR  EASTERN  TROPICS 

"  "VTDU  look  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop,  so- 
A  licitously,  one  afternoon,  when  Susan 
Clegg  had  come  around  by  the  gate  to 
enjoy  a  spell  of  mutual  sitting  and  knitting. 
"Well,  I  am,"  confessed  Susan,  unrolling 
her  ball  and  drawing  a  long  breath ;  "I  may 
tell  you  in  confidence,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  as  I 
really  never  was  more  so.  What  with 
havin'  to  look  after  Elijah's  washin'  an* 
his  mendin'  an'  his  cookin'  an'  his  room, 
an'  what  with  holdin'  down  his  new  ideas 
an'  explainin'  to  people  as  he  did  n't  mean 
what  it  sounds  like  when  I  ain't  been  able 
to  hold  'em  down,  I  do  get  pretty  well  wore 
out.  I  can  see  as  Mr.  Kimball  sees  how 
Elijah  is  wearin'  on  me  for  he  gives  me  a 
chair  whenever  I  go  in  there  now  an'  that 
128 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

just  shows  how  anxious  he  is  for  me  to 
rest  when  I  can,  but  it  really  ain't  alto- 
gether Elijah's  fault  for  the  way  my  back 
aches  to-day,  for  I  got  this  ache  in  a  way 
as  you  could  n't  possibly  understand,  Mrs. 
Lathrop,  for  I  got  it  from  sittin'  up  readin' 
a  book  last  night  as  you  or  any  ordinary 
person  would  of  gone  to  sleep  on  the  second 
page  of  an'  slept  clear  through  to  the 
index;  but  I  was  built  different  from  you 
an'  ordinary  persons,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  an'  if 
I'd  thanked  the  Lord  as  much  as  I'd 
ought  to  for  that  I  'd  never  have  had  time 
to  do  nothin'  else  in  this  world." 

"What — "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop,  with 
interest. 

"It  was  a  book,"  said  her  friend,  begin- 
ning to  knit  assiduously  —  "a  book  as  a 
boy  he  went  to  school  with  sent  Mr.  Fisher 
with  a  postal  card,  sayin'  as  every  American 
man  'd  ought  to  read  it  thoughtfully.  Mrs. 
Fisher  took  it  out  of  the  post  office  an'  read 
the  postal  card,  an'  she  said  right  off  as 
she  did  n't  approve  of  Mr.  Fisher's  reading 
129 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

books  as  every  man  ought  to  know,  so  she 
let  me  have  it  to  bring  home  an'  read  till 
she  gets  through  makin'  over  her  carpets. 
I  brought  the  book  home  done  up  to  look 
like  it  was  a  pie,  an'  I  will  frankly  state, 
Mrs.  Lathrop,  as  you  could  have  dropped 
me  dead  out  of  any  balloon  when  I  found 
out  what  it  was  about.  It  was  n't  the  kind 
of  book  the  postal  card  would  have  led  you 
to  suppose  a  tall  — -  it  was  about  Asia, 
Mrs.  Lathrop,  the  far  side  or  the  near  side, 
just  accordin'  to  the  way  you  face  to  get 
the  light  while  you  read,  an'  so  far  from  its 
bein'  only  intended  for  men  it's  all  right 
for  any  one  at  all  to  read  as  has  got  the 
time.  Now  that  I'm  done  it  an'  know 
I  have  n't  never  got  to  do  it  again,  I  don't 
mind  telling  you  in  confidence  that  for  a 
book  as  could  n't  possibly  have  been  meant 
to  be  interestin'  it  was  about  as  agreeable 
readin'  as  I  ever  struck  in  my  life.  There 
was  lots  in  it  as  was  new  to  me,  for  it's  a 
thick  book,  an'  all  I  knowed  about  that  part 
of  the  world  before  was  as  Java  coffee  comes 
130 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

from  Java  an'  the  Philippines  from  Spain. 
But  I  know  it  all  now,  an'  Judge  Fitch 
himself  can't  tell  me  nothin'  from  this  day 
on  that  the  man  who  wrote  that  book 
ain't  told  me  first.  I'll  bet  I  know  more 
about  what  that  book 's  about  than  any  one 
in  this  community  does,  an'  now  that  I 
know  it  I  see  why  the  man  said  what  he 
did  on  the  postal  card  for  it  is  a  book  as 
every  man  ought  to  read,  an'  I  read  in  the 
paper  the  other  day  as  the  main  trouble 
with  the  men  in  America  was  as  they 
knowed  all  about  what  they  did  n't  know 
nothin'  about,  an'  did  n't  know  nothin' 
a  tall  about  the  rest." 

"What  —  "  began  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  But  I  don't  see  how  the  man  that  wrote 
it  is  ever  goin'  to  make  any  money  out  of 
it,"  pursued  her  friend,  "for  it's  pretty 
plain  as  it's  every  bit  written  about  things 
that  Americans  don't  want  to  really  learn 
an'  what  the  rest  of  the  world  learned  long 
ago.  If  I  was  very  patriotic  I  don't  believe 
I'd  have  read  it  clear  through  to  the  end 
131 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

myself,  but  I  ain't  never  felt  any  call  to  be 
patriotic  since  the  boys  throwed  that  fire- 
cracker into  my  henhouse  last  Fourth  of 
July.  I  will  say  this  for  the  hen,  Mrs. 
Lathrop,  an'  that  is  that  she  took  the  fire- 
cracker a  good  deal  calmer 'n  I  could,  for 
I  was  awful  mad,  an'  any  one  as  seed  me 
ought  to  of  felt  what  a  good  American  was 
spoiled  then  an'  there,  for  all  I  asked  was 
to  hit  some  thin',  whether  it  was  him  as 
thiowed  the  cracker  or  not  an'  that's  what 
Judge  Fitch  always  calls  the  real  American 
spirit  when  he  makes  them  band-stand 
speeches  of  his  in  the  square.  Oh  my, 
though,  but  I  wish  you  had  n't  reminded 
me  of  that  hen,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  her  tail  never 
will  come  in  straight  again  I  don't  believe, 
an'  she's  forever  hoppin'  off  her  eggs  to 
look  out  of  the  window  since  she  had  that 
scare." 

Mrs.  Lathrop  frowned  and  looked  very 
sympathetic. 

"  But  about  this  book,"  Susan  went  on 
after  a  second  of  slightly  saddened  reflec- 
132 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

tion.  "I'm  goin'  to  tell  you  all  about  it. 
Elijah 's  goin'  to  write  a  editorial  about  it, 
too.  Elijah  says  this  business  of  down- 
treadin'  our  only  colony  has  got  to  be 
stopped  short  right  now  as  soon  as  he  can 
call  the  government's  attention  to  how  to 
do  it. 

"Well,  the  book  begins  very  mild  an' 
pleasant  with  Hongkong  an'  it  ends  with 
the  Philippine  accounts.  Seems  Hongkong 
ain't  Chinese  for  all  it's  named  that  an' 
growed  there  —  it's  English  —  an'  as  for 
the  Philippines  there's  eight  millions  of 
'em,  not  countin'  the  wild  ones  as  they 
can't  catch  to  count  an'  ask  questions.  In 
between  Hongkong  an'  the  Philippines  the 
man  who  wrote  the  book  runs  around  that 
part  of  the  world  pretty  lively  an'  tells  who 
owns  it  an'  what  kind  of  roads  they  Ve  got 
an'  who'd  better  govern  'em  an'  all  like 
that.  You  might  think  from  hearin'  me  as 
he  sort  of  put  on  airs  over  knowin'  so  much 
himself,  but  it  don't  sound  that  way  a  tall 
in  the  book.  It's  when  he  finally  got  to 
133 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

the  Philippines  as  any  one  can  see  as  he 
really  did  begin  to  enjoy  himself.  He 
enjoyed  himself  so  much  that  he  really 
made  me  enjoy  myself,  too,  although  I 
can't  in  reason  deny  as  I  felt  as  I  might  not 
of  been  quite  so  happy  only  for  that  fire- 
cracker. The  kind  of  things  he  says  about 
our  doin's  in  those  countries  is  all  what  you 
don't  get  in  the  papers  nor  no  other  way, 
an'  if  the  United  States  really  feels  they  're 
in  the  right  as  to  how  they're  actin'  all 
they  need  to  do  is  to  read  how  wrong  they 
are  in  that  book  where  a  man  as  really  knows 
what  he's  talkin'  about  has  got  it  all  set 
down  in  black  an'  white.  I  don't  believe 
it's  generally  knowed  here  in  America  as 
Dewey  took  Aguinaldo  an'  his  guns  over 
to  Manila  an'  give  him  his  first  start  at 
fight  in'  an'  called  him  'general'  for  a  long 
time  after  they'd  decided  in  Washington 
as  how  he  was  n't  nothin'  but  a  rebel  after 
all.  I  never  knowed  anythin'  about  that, 
an'  I  will  remark  as  I  think  there's  many 
others  as  don't  know  it,  neither,  an'  I  may 
134 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

in  confidence  remark  to  you,  Mrs.  Lathrop, 
as  that  book  leads  me  to  think  as  the  main 
trouble  with  the  Philippines  is  as  they  are 
bein'  run  by  folks  as  don't  know  any  thin' 
about  the  place  they  're  runnin'  an'  don't 
know  no  thin'  about  runnin'  for  any  thin' 
but  places.  The  man  in  the  book  says  the 
Philippines  ain't  very  well  off  being  paci- 
fied, an'  that  the  Americans  ain't  no  great 
success  pacifyin'  'em,  for  it  seems  as  they 
made  five  thousand  expeditions  after  'em 
in  one  year,  an'  only  got  hold  of  five 
thousand  natives  in  all.  That's  a  expedi- 
tion to  a  man,  an'  I  will  say,  Mrs.  Lathrop, 
as  it 's  small  wonder  we  're  taxed  an'  they  're 
taxed,  with  some  of  our  new  fellow  citizens 
as  hard  to  grab  as  that.  To  my  order  of 
thinkin'  it  'd  be  wisest  to  let  'em  chase 
each  other  for  ten  or  twenty  years  first  an' 
then  when  they  was  pretty  well  thinned 
out  we  could  step  in  an'  settle  with  the 
survivors;  but  accordin'  to  the  man  who 
wrote  the  book  you  can't  never  tell  a 
American  nothin',  an'  I  must  say  that  my 
135 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

own  experience  in  this  community  has 
proved  as  he  knows  what  he's  sayin'  all 
straight  enough.  He  says  the  Philippines 
is  in  a  very  bad  way,  an'  so  is  their  roads, 
but  he  says  that  all  the  folks  in  this  country 
is  so  dead  satisfied  with  their  way  an'  poor 
roads  that  they  ain't  goin'  to  do  nothin' 
to  help  either  along  any." 

"  Did  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"He  says,"  continued  Susan,  "that  the 
United  States  is  just  so  happy  sittin'  back 
an'  observin'  the  Philippines,  an'  the  Phil- 
ippines is  so  far  off  that  if  they  die  of 
starvation  while  being  observed  no  one  11 
ever  be  the  wiser.  He  says  the  United 
States  is  payin'  for  the  army,  an'  the 
Philippines  is  tryin'  to  live  with  it,  an' 
seein'  as  they  don't  work  much  an'  the 
Chinese  is  forbidden  to  work  for  'em,  he 
don't  see  no  help  nowhere.  What  he  said 
about  the  Chinese  was  very  interesting 
for  I  never  see  one  close  to,  an'  it  seems 
they're  a  clean  race  only  for  likin'  to  raise 
pigs  in  their  garrets.  It  seems,  too,  as  if 
136 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

you  let  'em  into  any  country  they'll  work 
very  hard  an'  live  very  cheap  an'  pay  most 
of  the  taxes  with  the  duty  on  opium  as 
they've  got  to  eat,  an'  games  as  they've 
got  to  play." 

"I  sh'd  think—"  said  Mrs.  Lathrop, 
looking  startled. 

"Well,  I  should,  too,"  said  Susan,  "but 
accordin'  to  the  book  the  Philippines  ain't 
to  be  allowed  any  such  luxury  as  havin' 
the  Chinese  to  develop  their  country  an' 
pay  their  taxes.  No  sir,  they've  all  got 
to  go  to  school  an'  learn  English  first,  an' 
although  he  says  right  out  plain  that  the 
Philippines  needs  Chinese  an'  good  roads 
a  deal  worse  'n  they  need  the  army  an'  the 
schools,  still  it's  the  army  an'  the  schools 
as  America  is  going  to  give  them,  an'  they 
can  get  along  without  the  roads  an'  the 
Chinese  as  best  they  can.  They  certainly 
must  be  gettin'  a  good  deal  of  schoolin', 
but  the  man  says  all  the  teachers  teach  is 
English,  an'  as  none  of  the  children  can 
speak  English  they  don't  get  much  learned. 
137 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

I  thought  I  could  sort  of  see  that  he  thought 
we  'd  ought  to  of  straightened  out  the  South 
of  our  own  country  afore  we  begun  on  any 
other  part  of  the  world,  an'  it  is  the  other 
half  of  the  world,  too,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  for  I 
looked  it  up  on  a  map  an'  it  begins  right 
under  Japan  an'  then  twists  off  in  a  direc- 
tion as  makes  you  wonder  how  under  the 
sun  we  come  to  own  it  anyway,  an'  if  we 
did  accidentally  get  it  hooked  on  to  us  by 
Dewey's  having  too  much  steam  up  to  be 
able  to  stop  himself  afore  he'd  run  over 
the  other  fleet,  we'd  ought  anyway  to  be 
willin'  to  give  it  away  like  you  do  the 
kittens  you  ain't  got  time  to  drown.  The 
whole  back  of  the  book  is  full  of  figures  to 
prove  as  it's  the  truth  as  has  been  told  in 
front,  but  the  man  who  wrote  it  did  n't 
think  much  of  even  the  figures  in  the 
Philippines  for  he  says  they  put  down  some 
of  what  they  spend  in  Mexican  money  an' 
some  in  American  an'  don't  tell  what  they 
spend  the  most  of  it  for  in  either  case.  He 
says  he  met  some  very  nice  men  there  an' 
138 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

they  was  workin'  the  best  they  knew  how 
but  they  didn't  think  things  were  goin' 
well  themselves  an'  it's  plain  to  be  seen 
that  he  spoke  of  'em  just  like  you  give  a 
child  a  cooky  after  a  spankin'.  What 
interested  me  most  was  there's  a  Malay 
country  over  there  as  the  English  began 
on  twenty-five  years  ago  an'  have  got 
railroaded  an'  telegraphed  an'  altogether 
civilized  now,  an'  we  've  had  the  Philippines 
ten  years  an'  ain't  even  got  the  live  ones 
quieted  down  yet." 

"What  do  you —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop, 
earnestly. 

"  Oh,"  said  her  friend,  "  I  ain't  never  had 
no  ideas  on  the  Philippine  question  since 
Judge  Fitch  got  his  brother  made  a  captain 
in  the  war  just  because  he  was  tired  sup- 
portin'  him.  Mr.  Kimball  said  then  as 
all  wars  was  just  got  up  to  use  up  the 
folks  as  respectable  people  did  n't  want  to 
have  around  no  longer  an'  I  must  say  as 
I  believe  him.  Mr.  Weskin  told  me  as  it's 
been  quietly  knowed  around  for  hundreds 
139 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

of  years  as  the  crusades  was  a  great  success 
as  far  as  gettin'  'em  off  was  concerned  just 
for  that  very  reason,  an'  I  guess  we're 
hangin'  on  to  the  Philippines  because  it's 
a  place  a  good  long  ways  off  to  send  poor 
relations  after  good  salaries.  The  man  who 
wrote  the  book  said  a  man  did  n't  need 
to  know  hardly  any  thin'  to  go  there  an' 
I  must  say  from  what  I  see  of  the  few  who 
have  come  back  they  don't  look  like  they 
spent  much  spare  time  studyin'  up  while 
they  was  in  the  country." 

Susan  stopped  knitting  suddenly  and 
stuck  her  needles  into  the  ball. 

" I 've  got  to  go  home,"  she  said.  " I  've 
just  remembered  as  I  forgot  to  fill  the  tea- 
kettle. Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  we've  had  a 
nice  talk  about  our  foreign  possessions  an' 
all  I  can  say  in  the  end  is  as  that  whole 
book  made  me  feel  just  like  we'd  all  ought 
to  get  to  feel  as  quick  as  we  can.  Lots  of 
things  in  this  world  might  be  better  only 
the  people  that  could  change  'em  don't 
often  feel  inclined  that  way,  an'  the  people 
140 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

who  'd  like  to  have  a  change  ain't  the  ones  as 
have  got  any  say.  If  I  was  a  Philippine  I  'd 
want  a  Chinaman  to  do  my  work  an'  I'd 
feel  pretty  mad  that  folks  as  had  so  many 
niggers  an'  Italians  that  they  did  n't  need 
Chinamen  should  say  I  could  n't  have  'em 
neither.  I  'd  feel  as  if  I  knowed  what  was 
best  for  me  an'  I  would  n't  thank  a  lot  of 
men  in  another  part  of  the  world  for  sittin' 
down  on  my  ideas.  However,  there's  one 
thing  that  comforted  me  very  much  in  the 
book.  All  the  countries  around  is  run,  an' 
pretty  well  run  too,  by  other  countries  an' 
if  the  Philippines  get  too  awful  tired  of 
being  badly  run  by  us  all  those  of  'em  as 
know  any  thin'  can  easy  paddle  across  to 
some  of  them  well  run  countries  in  the  front 
half  of  the  book  to  live,  an'  as  for  the 
rest  —  " 

Susan  stopped  short.     Mrs.  Lathrop  was 
sound  asleep ! 


141 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 


THE  EVILS  OF  DELAYED  DECEASE 

I  AIN'T  been  doin'  my  duty  by  Mrs. 
Macy  lately,"  said  Susan  Clegg  to 
Mrs.  Lathrop;  "I  declare  to  goodness  I've 
been  so  did  up  with  the  garden  an'  Elijah 
an'  house  cleanin'  this  last  two  weeks  that 
I  don't  believe  I've  even  thought  of  the 
other  side  of  the  crick  since  I  begun.  I 
ain't  seen  Mrs.  Macy  either  an'  maybe 
that's  one  reason  why  I  ain't  done  nothin' 
about  her,  but  it  ain't  surprisin'  as  I  ain't 
seen  her  for  she  ain't  been  here  —  she's 
been  over  in  Meadville  stayin'  with  the 
Lupeys,  an'  I  must  say  I  'm  right  put  out 
with  Elijah  for  not  puttin'  it  in  the  paper 
so  I'd  of  knowed  it  afore.  The  idea  of 
Mrs.  Macy  bein'  in  Meadville  for  over  a 
week  an'  me  not  hearin'  of  it  is  a  thing  as 
142 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

makes  me  feel  as  maybe  when  Gabriel 
blows  his  horn  I'll  just  merely  sit  up  an' 
say, '  Did  you  call  ? '  But  anyway  she 's  been 
away  an'  she's  got  back,  an'  when  I  heard 
it  in  the  square  to-day  I  did  n't  mince  up 
no  matters  none  but  I  just  set  my  legs  in 
her  direction  an'  walked  out  there  as  fast 
as  I  could.  It  does  beat  all  how  many 
changes  can  come  about  in  two  weeks !  — 
four  more  pickets  has  been  knocked  off 
the  minister's  fence  an'  most  every  one  has 
hatched  out  their  chickens  since  I  was 
that  way  last,  but  I  was  n't  out  picketin' 
or  chickenin';  I  was  out  after  Mrs.  Macy 
an'  I  just  kept  a-goin'  till  I  got  to  her." 

"Was  she  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Yes,  she  was,"  replied  Susan,  "  an'  thank 
the  most  kind  an'  merciful  Heavens,  there 
was  n't  no  one  else  there,  so  she  an'  I 
could  just  sit  down  together,  an'  it  was  n't 
nothin'  but  joy  for  her  to  tell  me  hide  an' 
hair  an'  inside  out  of  her  whole  visit.  She 
got  back  day  before  yesterday  an'  she 
hadn't  even  unpacked  her  trunk  yet  she 
143 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

was  that  wore  out;  you  can  judge  from 
that  how  wore  out  she  really  is,  for  you 
know  yourself,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  as  when 
Mrs.  Macy  is  too  wore  out  to  dive  head 
over  heels  into  things,  whether  her  own  or 
other  folks',  she's  been  pretty  well  beat 
down  to  the  ground.  She  was  mighty 
glad  to  see  me,  though,  even  if  she  did  n't 
come  to  the  door,  but  only  hollered  from 
a  chair,  an'  I  don't  know  as  I  ever  had  a 
nicer  call  on  her,  for  she  went  over  every- 
thin'  inside  out  an'  hind  side  before,  an' 
it  was  nothin'  but  a  joy  for  me  to  listen, 
for  it  seems  she  had  a  pretty  sad  visit  first 
an'  last  what  with  being  specially  invited 
to  sit  up  an'  watch  nights  with  Mrs.  Kitts 
an'  then  stay  to  the  funeral  —  ' 

"Funeral!"  cried  Mrs.  Lathrop, —  "I 
nev—  " 

"  For  after  bein'  specially  invited  to  help 
lay  her  out  an'  go  to  the  funeral,"  Susan  re- 
peated calmly,  "  Mrs.  Kitts  didn't  die  a  tall. " 

"  Oh! "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop,  terminating  the 
whole  of  a  remark,  for  once. 
144 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

"No,"  said  Susan,  "an'  every  one  else 
feels  the  same  as  you  do  about  it,  too,  but 
it  seems  as  it  was  n't  to  be  this  time.  Mrs. 
Macy  says  as  she  never  went  through 
no  thin'  to  equal  these  ten  days  dead  or 
alive,  an'  she  hopes  so  help  her  heaven  to 
never  sit  up  with  anybody  as  has  got  any- 
thin'  but  heart  disease  or  the  third  fit  of 
apoplexy  hereafter.  Why,  she  says  Mr. 
Dill's  eleven  months  with  Mrs.  Dill  flat  on 
her  back  was  a  child  playin'  with  a  cat  an* 
a  string  in  comparison  to  what  the  Lupeys 
an'  her  have  been  goin'  through  with  Mrs. 
Kitts  these  ten  days.  She  says  all  Mead- 
ville  is  witness  to  the  way  she's  skinned 
'em  down  to  the  bone.  Mrs.  Dill  was  give 
up  by  a  doctor  like  a  Christian,  an'  after 
the  eleven  months  she  did  die,  but  Mrs. 
Kitts  has  been  give  up  over  an'  over  by 
doctor  after  doctor  till  there  ain't  one  in 
the  whole  place  as  ain't  mad  at  her  about 
it;  an'  there  she  is  livin'  yet!  Mrs.  Macy 
says  Mrs.  Lupey  is  so  wore  out  she  can't 
talk  of  nothin'  else.  Mrs.  Lupey  feels  very 
145 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

bitter  over  it;  she  says  it's  all  of  six  years 
now  since  they  turned  the  X-rays  through 
her  (an'  Mrs.  Macy  says  as  Mrs.  Lupey  says 
she  could  sit  right  down  an'  cry  to  think 
how  much  them  X-rays  cost  an'  how  little 
good  they  done),  an'  she  says  it's  three 
years  come  April  Fool's  since  old  Dr.  Carter 
tried  her  lungs  with  his  new  kinetoscope 
an'  found  'em  full  of  air  an'  no  thin'  else. 
Mrs.  Lupey  says  she 's  always  had  so  much 
faith  in  old  Dr.  Carter  an'  she  had  faith  in 
him  then,  an'  was  so  sweet  an'  trustin' 
when  he  come  with  the  machine,  an'  after 
he  was  done  she  fully  believed  his  word 
of  honor  as  to  everything  an'  that  was 
why  they  went  an'  bought  her  that  bell 
an'  oh  heavens  alive,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  I  only 
wish  you  could  hear  Mrs.  Macy  on  Mrs. 
Kitts'  bell!  It  seems  that  kind  of  bell 
is  a  new  invention  an'  as  soon  as  any  one  is 
give  up  for  good  the  doctor  as  gives  'em 
up  sends  a  postal  to  the  man  as  keeps  'em, 
an'  then  the  man  sends  it  for  three  days  on 
trial  an'  then  the  family  buy  it,  because  it 
146 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

lets  'em  all  sleep  easy.  Well,  Mrs.  Macy 
says  it's  the  quietest  lookin'  small  thing 
you  ever  see,  but  she  says  Great  Scott, 
Holy  Moses,  an'  ginger  tea,  the  way  it 
works!  You  only  need  to  put  your  hand 
on  it  an'  just  stir  it  an'  it  unhooks  inside 
like  one  of  them  new  patent  mouse  traps 
as  catch  you  ten  times  to  every  once  they 
catch  a  mouse,  an'  then  it  begins  to  ring 
like  a  fire  alarm  an'  bang  like  the  Fourth  of 
July,  an'  it  don't  never  stop  itself  again 
until  some  one  as  is  perfectly  healthy  comes 
tearin'  barefoot  from  somewhere  to  turn 
it  over  an'  hook  it  up  an'  get  Mrs.  Kitts 
whatever  she  wants." 

"I  should — "  suggested  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"I  guess  they  would,  too,"  said  Susan; 
"  I  guess  they  'd  be  only  too  glad  to.  Why, 
Mrs.  Macy  says  Mrs.  Lupey  says  as  it  was 
all  they  could  do  to  live  in  the  house  with 
her  mother  when  she  didn't  have  nothin' 
but  a  stick  to  pound  on  the  floor  with,  but 
she  says  since  she 's  got  that  bell  —  ! 
Well !  Mrs.  Macy  says  as  they  're  all  four 
147 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

worn  into  just  frazzles  with  it,  an'  Judy  is 
got  so  nervous  with  it  going  off  sudden 
when  Busby  an'  she  is  thinkin'  about  other 
things  that  she  begins  twitchin'  the  minute 
the  bell  begins  ringin'  an'  they've  had  to 
hire  a  electric  battery  to  soothe  her  with 
while  Faith  an'  Maria  is  racin'  for  the  bell. 
Mrs.  Macy  says  it's  somethin'  just  awful 
first,  last,  an'  forever,  an'  Mrs.  Lupey  told 
her  in  confidence  as  it  was  Heaven's  own 
truth  as  they  had  n't  none  of  them  woke 
of  their  own  accords  once  since  it  was 
bought." 

"What  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Well,  Mrs.  Macy  says  she's  a  pretty 
good  judge  of  sick  folks  an'  she  judged 
Mrs.  Kitts  for  all  she  was  worth,  an'  she 
could  n't  feel  as  she  ought  in  politeness  to 
say  anythin'  'cause  the  Lupeys  sent  her 
the  round- trip  ticket  to  go  an'  come  back 
with.  But  she  says  just  between  her  an' 
me  an'  not  to  let  it  go  any  further,  that  to 
her  order  of  thinkin'  (an'  she'll  take  her 
Bible  oath  to  it  anywhere)  Mrs.  Kitts 
148 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

looks  like  one  of  those  oldest  survivor  kinds 
as  they  print  in  the  city  Sunday  papers 
every  week.  She  says  she  ain't  got  the 
quiet,  give-up  manner  of  a  person  as  is 
really  quiet  an'  really  givin'  up  —  she's 
got  the  spry  air  of  a  person  as  likes  to  keep 
the  whole  family  jumpin'  quick  whenever 
they  speak.  She  says  Mrs.  Lupey  says  as 
she  really  does  get  awful  low  just  often 
enough  to  keep  their  courage  up,  but  Mrs. 
Macy  says  Mrs.  Lupey  is  easy  fooled  because 
them 's  the  sort  as  outlives  all  their  families 
in  the  end  always.  But  seems  as  her  gettin' 
low  an'  then  raisin'  up  again  ain't  the  only 
tough  part  for  it  seems  as  she  was  so  low 
last  fall  that  they  really  felt  safe  to  send 
Maria  up  to  the  city  to  buy  their  mournin' 
at  a  bargain  sale  for  there's  four  of  'em 
an'  they  want  the  veils  thick  so  they'll 
look  sorry  from  the  outside  anyhow.  And 
Maria  did  go,  an'  -  Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop, 
I  will  say  as  to  hear  about  it  all  does  go 
through  one  even  if  it  ain't  my  personal 
crape!  Seems  as  the  clerk  asked  Maria 
149 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

if  it  was  for  a  deep  family  mournin'  or  just 
a  light  friendly  mournin',  an'  Maria  told 
him  it  was  goin'  to  be  for  her  grandmother. 
Seems  he  was  n't  very  polite  about  it, 
coughed  a  good  deal  behind  his  hand  an' 
such  doin's,  until  Maria  got  real  vexed  an' 
so  mad  over  thinkin'  as  maybe  it  was  n't 
all  coughin'  as  he  was  keepin'  his  hand 
over  that  she  lost  her  wits  an'  went  to 
work  an'  bought  most  twice  the  crape  she 
needed  just  to  show  him  as  she  wasn't 
tryin'  to  save  no  thin'  on  her  grandmother, 
whatever  he  might  think.  So  now  Mrs. 
Macy  says,  added  to  Mrs.  Kitts  an'  the 
bell  they've  got  the  care  of  all  that  crape 
on  their  hands,  an'  the  damp  gathers  in 
it  just  awful  on  rainy  days,  an'  of  course 
no  Christian  can  sun  twenty  yards  of  crape 
on  their  clothesline  when  the  dead  person 
ain't  died  yet,  so  they're  wild  over  that, 
too.  They've  made  their  skirts  them- 
selves, an'  they  wanted  to  do  their  waists, 
only  what  with  the  way  sleeves  is  puffin' 
out  an'  slimmin'  up  an'  fronts  is  first 
150 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

hangin'  over  an'  then  hookin'  down  the 
back  it  just  does  seem  out  of  the  question. 
They've  worried  a  lot  over  the  veils  since 
they  was  bought  'cause  they  wanted  to  get 
into  'em  last  winter  so  as  to  get  out  of  'em 
by  last  spring,  an'  then  even  when  Mrs. 
Kitts  rallied  from  her  Christmas  dinner, 
they  thought  maybe  they  could  still  be 
out  of  'em  by  the  Fourth  of  July;  but 
now  —  Heavens !  Mrs.  Macy  says  they 
don't  ask  to  get  out  of  'em  any  more;  all 
they  ask  is  to  get  into  'em,  an'  goodness 
knows  when  that  is  ever  goin'  to  happen. 
She  says  Mrs.  Lupey  says  what  with  Judy's 
divorce  an'  Mrs.  Kitts  livin'  right  along 
she's  going  to  get  moths  into  her  things 
for  the  first  time  in  her  life,  she  just  knows 
she  is.  It's  a  pretty  hard  case  any  one 
can  see,  an'  of  course  seein'  Mrs.  Kitts  live 
like  that  may  get  Busby  Bell  all  out  of  the 
notion  of  marry  in'  Judy,  for  of  course  no 
man  ain't  goin'  to  like  to  look  forward  to 
Mrs.  Lupey 's  livin'  like  that  too,  maybe  — 
or  maybe  Judy  11  live  herself  —  you  never 
151 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

can  tell.  Mrs.  Macy  says  Mrs.  Lupey  says 
she  never  guessed  as  sorrow  could  come  so 
near  to  breakin'  your  back  as  losin'  a  grand- 
mother is  breakin'  theirs.  She  says  when 
she's  really  lost  it  won't  be  so  bad  'cause 
they  can  all  put  on  their  crape  veils  an'  go 
straight  to  bed  an'  to  sleep,  but  she  says 
this  long  drawn  out  losin'  of  her  with  that 
bell  throwed  into  the  bargain  is  somethin' 
calculated  to  make  a  saint  out  of  a  China- 
man, an'  no  thin'  more  nor  less." 

"Why--  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"I  tell  you,  they  can't,"  said  Susan; 
"they  want  to  bad  enough,  but  they  can't 
do  it.  Mrs.  Kitts  is  too  smart  for  that. 
She  keeps  her  eagle  eye  on  it  awake,  an' 
her  whole  hand  on  the  little  string  when 
she's  asleep,  an'  drums  'em  up  to  know 
if  the  clock  is  really  right,  or  if  she  feels 
anyways  disposed  to  smell  of  cologne. 
Some  nights  she  rolls  on  the  string  in  her 
sleep,  an'  then  the  bell  wakes  her  along 
with  the  rest  of  'em,  which  Mrs.  Macy  says 
is  a-doin'  more  aggravatin'  to  the  Lupey s 
152 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

than  any  words  can  do  justice  to.  Mrs. 
Macy  says  as  she  really  does  believe  that 
if  Mrs.  Kitts  took  a  fancy  to  oysters  in 
August  she'd  be  fully  equal  to  ringin'  that 
bell  for  'em  till  September  came  an'  they 
could  get  'em  for  her.  She  says  it  would 
be  just  like  her,  she  does  declare.  Mrs. 
Macy  says  she  sit  with  Mrs.  Kitts  consider- 
able an'  Mrs.  Kitts  was  very  pleasant  to 
her,  an'  give  her  two  pair  of  black  lace 
mitts  an'  a  pin,  but  she  found  out  after- 
wards as  the  mitts  was  Mrs.  Lupey's  an' 
the  pin  was  Maria's,  so  after  that  she  see 
just  how  the  family  felt  about  her  an'  her 
ways.  Mrs.  Macy  says  the  whole  thing  is 
a  tragedy  right  out  of  Shakespeare  an'  the 
only  pleasant  thing  about  her  whole  visit 
was  as  it  did  n't  cost  her  nothin'." 

"  Did  she  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Oh  yes,  I  forgot  to  tell  you  about  that. 
She  see  him  four  times.  I  don't  know  as 
she  wants  it  generally  known,  but  I  wanted 
to  know  about  it  so  I  got  it  out  of  her.  It 
does  beat  all,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  how  a  woman 
153 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

of  Mrs.  Macy's  sense,  with  a  income  that's 
only  a  little  too  small  to  get  along  on,  can 
want  to  marry  any  man  again.  But  she 
seems  kind  of  crazy  on  the  idea,  an'  if  it 
ain't  Mr.  Dill,  it's  goin'  to  be  Dr.  Carter, 
or  bu'st,  with  her.  She  says  she  went  to 
his  office  just  to  let  him  know  she  was  in 
Meadville,  an'  then  she  see  him  on  the 
street,  an'  then  she  went  to  his  office  again 
to  ask  him  his  real  opinion  of  Mrs.  Kitts, 
an'  then  just  before  she  left  she  went  to 
his  office  again  to  let  him  know  as  she  was 
goin'  to  come  back  here.  So  she  see  him 
four  times  in  all." 

"  What  did  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Oh,  he  told  her  as  he  would  n't  be  sur- 
prised if  any  of  'em  died  any  day.  That 
is,  any  of  'em  except  Mrs.  Kitts.  He  did  n't 
seem  to  think  as  Mrs.  Kitts  would  ever  die." 

"What  do  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Oh,   I   saw  there  was  nothin'  else  as 

Mrs.  Macy  could  talk  about  just  now  so 

I  come  home  an'  then  I  come  over  here.    I 

declare  though,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  I  can't  help 

154 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

bein'  a  little  blue  to-night.  Of  course  I 
ain't  any  real  relation  to  you,  but  we've 
been  neighbors  so  long  that  I  can't  help 
feelin'  a  little  bit  uneasy  over  thinkin'  of 
Mrs.  Kitts  an'  wonderin'  how  long  you 
may  be  goin'  to  live  in  the  end." 


155 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 


CHAPTER  XI 

THE    DEMOCRATIC    PARTY 

"TT7ELL,  Mrs.  Lathrop,"  said  Susan 
V  V  Clegg  one  pleasant  May  evening, 
as  she  and  her  devoted  listener  leaned  their 
elbows  on  the  top  rail  of  the  fence,  "  I  can't 
but  thank  Heaven  as  these  boards  is  the 
only  thing  as  you  ever  take  opposite  sides 
from  me  on.  I  don't  say  as  your  never 
disagreein'  ain't  sometimes  wearin',  but 
there  are  days  as  I  feel  I'd  enjoy  a  little 
discussion  an'  then  Elijah  an'  I  discuss  on 
those  days  till  it  seems  like  I  can't  live  to 
get  to  you  an'  do  it  all  alone  by  myself. 
Elijah's  a  very  young  man  but  he's  a  man 
after  all  an'  there's  somethin'  about  a  man 
as  makes  him  not  able  to  see  any  side  of 
anythin'  except  his  own  side.  Now  it 
don't  make  any  difference  what  we  talk 
156 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

about  I  always  take  the  other  side,  an'  I 
will  in  confidence  remark  as  the  South 
fightin'  Grant  had  a  easy  job  compared  to 
me  try  in'  to  get  Elijah  to  see  any  side  but 
his  own.  Elijah's  a  very  pig-headed  young 
man  an'  I  declare  I  don't  know  I'm  sure 
what  ailed  him  last  night  —  seemed  as  if 
he  was  up  a  tree  about  somethin'  as  made 
him  just  wild  over  the  Democratic  party. 
I  must  say  —  an'  I  said  it  to  his  face,  too 
—  as  to  my  order  of  thinkin'  takin'  sides 
about  the  Democrats  nowadays  is  like 
takin'  sides  with  Pharaoh  after  the  Red 
Sea  had  swallowed  him  an'  all  his  chariots 
up  forever,  but  Elijah  never  gives  up  to 
no  man,  an'  he  said,  not  so,  the  Democrats 
was  still  ready  to  be  the  salvation  of  the 
country  if  only  Bryan  would  give  'em  a 
chance.  He  says  they  've  been  handicapped 
so  far  an'  it's  very  try  in'  for  any  party  to 
have  to  choose  between  a  donkey  an'  a 
tiger  for  its  picture  of  itself,  for  no  sensible 
person  likes  to  have  to  ride  on  either,  an' 
no  politics  could  ever  make  a  success  of  a 
157 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

donkey  for  a  mascot,  whether  you  judge 
him  from  his  ears  or  his  heels.  I  had  it 
in  my  mind  to  say  some  thin'  then  about 
turnin'  around  an'  takin'  a  fresh  start  with 
a  fresh  animal  as  a  sensible  person  would 
find  it  nothin'  but  a  joy  to  ride,  but  Elijah, 
like  all  newspapers,  rips  a  thing  up  the 
back  an'  then  shows  you  how  you  can't 
do  better  than  to  sew  up  the  tear  an'  go  on 
wearin'  it  again,  so  after  he'd  skinned  the 
donkey  an'  the  tiger  both  alive,  so  to  speak, 
he  went  on  to  say  as  never 's  a  long  game 
an'  him  laughs  best  who  keeps  sober  long- 
est an'  altogether  his  own  feelin'  was  as 
America  '11  soon  perceive  her  only  hope 
lays  in  electin'  a  new  Democratic  party. 
I  just  broke  in  then  an'  told  him  it  looked 
to  me  as  if  the  natural  run  of  mankind 
wouldn't  let  Grover  Cleveland  skip  eight 
years  an'  then  try  it  again  more  'n  six 
times  more,  an'  that  if  the  Republicans 
keep  it  up  as  they  have  awhile  longer  no 
money  won't  be  able  to  get  'em  out  'cause 
they'll  have  all  the  money  there  is  in  the 
158 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

country  right  in  with  them,  but  by  that 
time  Elijah 'd  got  his  breath,  an'  he  just 
shook  his  head  an'  asked  me  if  I  remembered 
what  a  lot  of  fuss  the  first  billion  dollar 
congress  made  an'  if  I'd  observed  how 
calm  they  was  took  now?  I  told  him  I 
had  an'  then  we  went  at  it  hammer  an' 
tongs,  Elijah  for  the  Democrats  an'  me 
against  'em,  although  I  must  say  I  wished 
he'd  give  me  the  other  side,  for  in  spite  of 
their  actin'  so  silly  I  must  say  I  always 
have  a  feelin'  as  the  most  of  the  Democrats 
is  tryin'  to  be  honest  which  is  somethin' 
as  even  their  best  friend  could  n't  say  of 
the  most  of  the  Republicans  as  a  general 
thing." 

"  Did  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Yes,  I  did,  an'  I  don't  know  but  we'd 
be  talkin'  yet  only  Mr.  Dill  come  in  on  us  to 
ask  me  if  I  would  n't  consider  takin'  Gran'- 
ma  Mullins  to  board  for  a  month  or  two, 
just  to  see  how  Hiram  an'  Lucy  would  get 
along  if  they  had  the  house  all  alone  to 
themselves." 

159 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

"  What  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Well,  I  told  him  I'd  think  about  it," 
said  Miss  Clegg.  "I  don't  know  I'm  sure 
why  I  should  bed  an'  board  Gran 'ma 
Mullins  to  help  Lucy  an'  Hiram  to  try  to 
get  along  any  better.  They  're  a  good  deal 
more  interestin'  to  talk  about  the  way 
they're  gettin'  along  now.  I  never  see 
Mrs.  Macy  but  what  she  has  some  thin' 
amusin'  to  tell  me  about  Hiram  an'  Lucy 
an'  Gran 'ma  Mullins,  an'  I  like  to  hear  it. 
She  says  the  other  night  they  was  all  three 
runnin'  round  the  house  one  after  another 
for  a  hour  an'  she  said  she  most  died  laughin' 
to  watch  'em.  Seems  Lucy  got  mad  an' 
started  to  run  after  Hiram  to  pull  his  hair, 
an'  Gran 'ma  Mullins  was  so  scared  for  fear 
she  would  pull  his  hair  that  she  run  after 
Lucy  to  ask  her  not  to  do  it.  Hiram  run 
so  much  faster  than  Lucy  that  finally  he 
caught  up  with  Gran 'ma  Mullins  an'  then 
they  all  went  to  bed.  Mrs.  Macy  says 
that's  the  way  they  act  all  the  time,  an' 
she  certainly  would  n't  see  any  more  than 
160 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

I  should  why  I  should  break  up  the  family. 
I'm  sure  I  never  cooked  up  that  marriage 
an'  I  told  Mr.  Dill  so.  I  asked  him  why 
he  did  n't  take  Gran 'ma  Mullins  to  board 
with  him,  if  he  was  so  wild  to  get  her  away 
from  Lucy,  but  he  said  he  did  n't  think  it'd 
be  proper,  an'  I  said  I  did  n't  say  nothin' 
about  bed  —  I  just  spoke  about  board, 
an'  if  there  was  any  thin'  as  was  n't  proper 
about  boardin'  Gran 'ma  Mullins  he'd  ought 
not  to  of  mentioned  the  subject  to  me." 

"What  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Oh,  there  was  n't  nothin'  left  for  him 
to  say  then,  of  course;  but  law!  I  didn't 
see  no  use  mooley-cowin'  around  Mr.  Dill; 
what  I  wanted  was  for  him  to  go  so  Elijah 
an'  me  could  go  on  discussin'.  Elijah 
thinks  our  paper  ought  to  come  out  strong 
now  that  we  Ve  got  one  an'  he  said  he  would 
in  confidence  remark  to  me  as  he  intended 
to  say  some  very  pointed  things  soon.  He 
says  all  the  editors  in  the  country  know 
as  the  plans  an'  the  parties  is  all  fixed 
up  beforehand  nowadays  ;  the  Republicans 
161 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

say  how  many  they'll  have  in  each  state 
an'  then  they  never  fail  to  have  'em  an' 
that 's  a  national  disgrace  for  nobody  ought 
to  know  beforehand  how  a  election  is  goin' 
to  pan  out  for  it  would  n't  be  possible  if 
folks  was  anyways  honest.  He  says  for 
a  carefully  planned  an'  worked  up  thing 
a  Republican  victory  is  about  the  tamest 
surprise  as  this  country  ever  gets  nowadays, 
an'  yet  we  keep  on  gettin'  them  an'  openin' 
our  eyes  over  'em  every  four  years  like 
they  was  somethin'  new. 

"I  bu'st  in  then  an'  said  as  there  was 
sure  to  come  a  change  afore  long  with 
prices  goin'  up  like  they  is  an'  a  reaction 
bound  to  drop  in  the  end.  Elijah  laughed 
then  an'  said  he  knowed  well  enough  as 
when  the  deluge  come  the  Republicans 
would  grab  the  Democrats  an'  hold  'em  just 
like  that  rich  man  who  grabbed  the  clerk 
an'  held  him  in  front  of  him,  when  they 
throwed  that  bomb  at  him  in  his  office." 

"At  the  —  "  cried  Mrs.  Lathrop,  opening 
her  eyes. 

162 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

"  Yes,  the  bomb  was  meant  for  him,  but 
he  held  the  clerk  in  front  of  him  so  the 
clerk  caught  it  all.  That's  what  they  call 
presence  of  mind,  an'  as  far  as  my  observa- 
tion 's  extended,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  the  Repub- 
licans have  got  full  as  much  of  it  —  they 
must  have,  for  they  both  make  money 
right  straight  along  an'  I've  observed  my- 
self as  they  always  step  out  when  a  crash 
comes  an'  let  the  Democrats  in  to  do  the 
economizin'  till  there 's  enough  money  saved 
up  to  make  it  worth  while  for  them  to  take 
hold  again  which  comes  to  much  the  same 
thing  in  the  end.  I  tell  you,  Mrs.  Lathrop, 
I  see  after  a  little  as  it  was  n't  no  use 
talkin'  to  Elijah  so  I  just  had  to  listen  to 
him  an'  he  really  did  kind  of  frighten  me 
in  the  end.  Livin'  with  an  editor  an' 
readin'  that  book  of  Mr.  Fisher's  has  opened 
my  eyes  to  a  many  new  ideas.  I  've  lived 
in  a  small  town  all  my  life  but  I've  got 
brains  an'  there's  no  use  deny  in'  as  a 
woman  with  brains  can  apply  'em  to  the 
president  just  as  easy  as  to  the  minister, 
163 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

once  she  gets  to  thinkin'  on  the  subject. 
This  country  is  in  a  very  bad  way  an'  it's 
all  owin'  to  our  bein'  satisfied  with  what's 
told  us  an'  not  lookin'  into  nothin'  for 
ourselves.  We've  got  the  Philippines  now 
an'  we've  got  Hawaii  an'  we've  got  the 
niggers  an'  we've  got  ever  so  many  other 
things.  We've  got  the  Mormons  down 
to  one  wife  as  a  general  thing  an'  the 
Italians  comin'  in  by  the  thousands  an' 
more  old  soldiers  bein'  born  every  year  an' 
the  fifth  generation  of  Revolutionary  or- 
phans out  filin'  their  pensions  —  an'  we 
owe  'em  all  to  the  Republicans.  Elijah 
says  we  owe  'em  a  lot  else,  too,  but  I  think 
that's  enough  in  all  conscience.  Elijah 
says  too  it  costs  a  third  more  to  live  than 
it  did  ten  years  ago  an'  he  knows  that  for 
a  fact,  an'  you  an'  I  know  that,  too,  Mrs. 
Lathrop.  Coal's  gone  up  an'  everythin' 
else.  I  tell  you  I  got  kind  of  blue,  thinkin' 
about  it  after  I  went  to  bed  last  night  an' 
it  took  me  a  long  time  to  remember  as 
Elijah  was  maybe  more  upset  over  not 
164 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

bein'  able  to  go  an'  see  'Liza  Em'ly  on 
account  of  the  rain,  than  any  thin'  else; 
but  then  too,  Mr.  Shores  is  very  much 
cast  down  over  the  country,  only  I  must 
admit  as  it 's  more  'n  likely  as  he  ain't 
really  half  as  mournful  over  the  Democrats 
as  he  is  over  his  wife;  an'  then  there's 
Judge  Fitch  as  is  always  mad  over  politics 
an'  we  all  know  that  that's  just  'cause  he's 
always  been  called  'judge'  ever  since  he 
was  born,  an'  nobody  ain't  never  made 
him  judge  of  no  thin'  bigger 'n  us  yet.  I 
guess  if  he  was  sure  as  our  paper  could  get 
him  elected  to  congress  he'd  cheer  up 
pretty  quick,  but  he  told  me  yesterday  as 
Elijah  did  n't  know  how  to  conduct  a 
campaign  to  his  order  of  thinkin'.  He 
don't  like  that  cut  of  Elijah's  being  David 
to  the  city  papers  bein'  Goliath.  He  says  a 
cut  to  do  him  any  good  had  ought  to  have 
him  in  it  somewhere  an'  I  don't  know  but 
what  he 's  right. 

"  But,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  we  are  mighty  bad 
off  an'  that's  a  fact,  but  still  I  will  say  this 
165 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

much  an'  that  is  that  as  far  as  my  observa- 
tion's  extended  folks  as  complains  openly 
of  any  thin'  is  always  findin'  fault  with  the 
thing  because  there's  some  secret  thing  as 
they  can't  find  fault  openly  with,  like 
Elijah  an'  the  rain,  an'  Mr.  Shores  an'  his 
wife.  The  world's  great  for  takin'  its 
private  miseries  out  publicly  in  some  other 
direction,  an'  my  own  feelin'  is  as  the 
Democrats  is  a  great  comfort  to  every  one 
as  the  Republicans  can't  very  conveniently 
give  no  thin'  to  these  days.  If  the  presi- 
dent was  to  suddenly  make  Sam  Duruy  a 
minister  to  somewhere  there 'd  be  a  great 
change  of  opinion  as  to  politics  in  this  town, 
you'd  see.  It  wouldn't  give  Sam  any 
more  brains,  but  every  one  'd  be  pleased  an' 
the  Democrats  would  n't  cut  no  figure 
no  more." 

"  But  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"That's   just   it,"   said   Susan,    "that's 

just  the  trouble.     We're  like  most  of  the 

rest  of  America  an'  the  whole  of  Cuba  an' 

the  Philippines,  too  little   an'  too  far  off 

166 


A  MAN   IN  THE  HOUSE 

to  make  the  big  folks  really  care  whether 
we  like  the  way  they  do  or  not.  I  don't 
have  no  idea  of  carin'  whether  potato  bugs 
mind  bein'  picked  or  not,  an'  no  matter 
what  they  said  about  me  before  or  after 
their  pickin'  it  'd  be  all  one  to  me.  An' 
that's  just  about  the  way  our  government 
feels  about  us.  An'  I  guess  most  other 
governments  is  much  the  same.  Which 
is  probably  the  reason  why  potato  bugs  is 
gettin'  worse  an'  thicker  all  the  time." 


167 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 


CHAPTER  XII 

THE   TRIALS    OF    MRS.    MACY 

AS  Susan  set  the  basket  down  it  began 
to  squawk. 

"  I  don't  care,"  she  said,  "let  it  squawk!" 

"But  what — "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop,  in 

whose  kitchen  Susan  had  set  the  basket 

down  and  in  whose  kitchen  chair  Susan 

was  now  sitting  herself  down. 

"Let  it  squawk,"  Susan  repeated;  "I 
guess  it's  made  trouble  enough  for  others 
so  that  I  may  in  all  confidence  feel  to  set 
a  little  while  without  troublin*  about  it 
myself.  I  look  upon  it  that  I  was  very 
kind  to  take  it  anyhow,  not  havin'  no  idea 
how  it'll  agree  with  the  chickens  when  it 
conies  to  eatin'  with  them  or  with  me 
when  it  comes  to  me  eatin'  it,  for  you  know 
as  I  never  was  one  as  cared  for  'em,  Mrs. 
168 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

Lathrop,  but  still  a  friend  is  a  friend,  an' 
in  Mrs.  Macy's  state  to-night  the  least  her 
friends  could  do  was  for  Gran 'ma  Mullins 
to  stay  with  her  an'  for  me  to  take  the 
duck.  Gran 'ma  Mullins  was  willing  to  sit 
up  with  a  under-the-weather  neighbor,  but 
she  said  she  could  not  take  a  duck  on  her 
mind  too,  an'  a  spoiled  duck  at  that,  for 
I  will  in  confidence  remark,  Mrs.  Lathrop, 
as  you  only  need  to  be  in  the  room  with 
that  duck  two  minutes  to  see  as  the  Prodi- 
gal Son  was  fully  an'  freely  whipped  in 
comparison  to  the  way  as  he's  been  dealt 
with." 

"  I  really  —  "  protested  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Well,  I  don't  know  but  it  will  be  savin' 
of  breath  in  the  end,"  said  Miss  Clegg,  and 
thereupon  she  arose,  laid  hold  of  the  squawk- 
ing basket,  bore  it  into  the  next  room,  and 
coming  out,  shut  the  connecting  door 
firmly  behind  her. 

"Where  under  the — "  began  Mrs.  La- 
throp. 

"  It's  really  quite  a  long  story,"  returned 
169 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

her  friend;  "but  I  come  in  just  to  tell 
you,  anyhow.  It's  Mrs.  Macy's  story  an' 
it  begun  when  she  went  in  town  yesterday 
mornin',  an'  it's  a  story  of  her  trials,  an' 
I  will  say  this  for  Mrs.  Macy,  as  more  trials 
right  along  one  after  another  I  never  hear 
of  an'  to  see  her  sit  tin'  there  now  in  her 
carpet  slippers  with  a  capsicum  plaster  to 
her  back  an'  Gran 'ma  Mullins  makin'  her 
tea  every  minute  she  ain't  makin'  her 
toast  is  enough  to  make  any  one  as  is  as 
soft  an'  tender-hearted  as  I  am  take  any 
duck  whether  it's  spoiled  or  not.  An'  so 
I  took  this  duck." 

"Well,  I  —  "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"You  think  not  now,"  said  Susan,  "but 
you  soon  will  when  I  tell  you,  for  as  I  said 
before,  I  come  over  just  to  tell  you,  an'  I  'm 
goin'  to  begin  right  off.  It's  a  long  story 
an'  one  as  '11  take  time  to  tell,  but  you  know 
me  an'  you  know  as  I  always  take  time  to 
tell  you  every  thin'  so  you  can  rely  on 
gettin'  the  whole  hide  an'  hair  of  this; 
an'  you'll  get  it  fresh  from  the  spout  too, 
170 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

for  I'm  just  fresh  from  Mrs.  Macy  an' 
Mrs.  Macy's  so  fresh  from  her  trials  that 
they  was  still  holdin'  the  plaster  on  to  her 
when  Heft." 

"  But  —  "  expostulated  the  listener. 

"  Well,  now  this  is  how  it  was,"  said  Miss 
Clegg;  "an'  I'll  begin  'way  back  in  the 
beginnin'  so  you'll  have  it  all  straight,  for 
it's  very  needful  to  have  it  straight  so  as 
to  understand  just  why  she  is  so  nigh  to 
half  mad.  For  Mrs.  Macy  is  n't  one  as 
gets  mad  easy,  an'  so  it's  well  for  us  as  has 
got  to  live  in  the  same  town  with  her  to 
well  an'  clearly  learn  just  how  much  it 
takes  to  use  her  up. 

"Seems,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  as  yesterday 
mornin'  Mrs.  Macy  set  out  to  go  to  town 
to  buy  her  some  shoes.  Seems  as  she  was 
goin'  to  take  lunch  with  Busby  Bell's 
cousin  Luther  Stott's  wife  as  she  met  at 
the  Lupeys'  in  Meadville,  'cause  they  only 
live  three-quarters  of  an  hour  from  town 
on  two  changes  of  the  electric,  an'  Mrs. 
Stott  told  Mrs.  Lupey  as  any  time  she  or 
171 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

her  relations  got  tired  of  shoppin'  she'd 
be  no  thin'  but  happy  to  have  'em  drop  in 
on  her  to  rest  'cause  she  kept  a  girl  an'  her 
husband's  sister,  too,  so  company  was  n't 
no  work  for  her  herself.  Well,  Mrs.  Macy 
was  goin'  to  the  city  an'  so  she  looked  up 
the  address  an'  made  up  her  mind  to  go 
there  to  lunch,  an'  so  she  wrote  the  address 
on  one  side  of  the  piece  of  paper  as  she  had  in 
her  black  bag  an'  she  wrote  her  shoes  on  the 
other  side,  for  she  says  they  're  a  new  kind 
of  shoes  as  is  warranted  not  to  pinch  you  in 
the  back,  by  every  magazine  an'  newspaper 
—  an'  you  know  what  Mrs.  Macy  is  on  bein' 
pinched;  why,  she  says  she  give  up  belts 
an'  took  to  carpet  slippers  just  for  the  very 
reason  as  she  could  not  stand  bein'  pinched 
nowhere. 

"Well,  seems  as  the  shoes  was  Kulosis 
shoes  an'  Mrs.  Macy  says  how  any  one 
could  remember  'em  off  of  paper  she  can't 
see  anyhow,  an'  Luther  Stott's  wife  lives 
2164  Eleventh  Avenue  S.W.,  an'  that  was 
very  important  too,  for  there 's  seven  other 
172 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

Eleventh  Avenues  in  the  city  besides  eight 
Eleventh  Streets;  seems  as  the  new  part 
of  the  city  is  laid  out  that  way  so  as  to 
make  it  simple  to  them  as  knows  where 
they  live  anyhow. 

"Well,  Mrs.  Macy  says  she  put  on  her 
bonnet  as  happy  as  any  one  looks  to  be 
afore  they  know  they're  goin'  to  be  the 
first  to  have  a  new  invention  tried  on  'em 
an'  then  she  locked  up  her  house  an'  set 
off.  She  says  she  never  was  great  on  new 
inventions  for  she's  lived  under  a  lightnin' 
rod  for  pretty  near  forty  years  an'  never 
come  anywhere  nigh  to  be  struck  once  yet, 
but  she  says  she  has  now  learned  to  her 
sorrow  as  bein'  fooled  by  a  lightnin'  rod 
man  forty  years  ago  ain't  nothin'  to  bein' 
fooled  by  a  minister  for  forty  years  ahead, 
for  she  says  she  '11  lose  her  guess  if  this  last 
foolin'  don't  last  forty  years  or  even  longer 
if  she  lives  that  long,  an'  make  her  wear 
her  felt  slippers  all  the  forty  years  too. 

"Well,  she  says  of  course  you  might 
know  as  it  would  be  the  minister  as  done 
173 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

her  up  first  on  this  day  of  misery,  an'  it 
was  the  minister!  She  says  after  that 
donation  party  to  fix  him  out  with  new 
shirts  last  week  she  surely  looked  to  be 
spared  any  further  inflictions  from  him 
for  one  while;  she  says  the  idea  as  the 
congregation  is  expected  to  shirt  the  minis- 
ter was  surely  most  new  to  her,  an'  she  was 
dead  set  against  it  at  first,  but  she  says 
she  come  to  the  fore  an'  was  one  to  help 
make  him  the  six  when  she  see  as  it  was 
expected  to  be  her  duty  as  a  Christian,  but 
she  says  she  surely  hoped  when  she  hemmed 
the  tail  of  the  last  one  as  she'd  seen  the 
last  of  him  for  a  good  breathin'  spell. 

"  But  no,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  seems  it  was  n't 
to  be,  an'  so  she  learned  to  her  keen  an' 
pinchin'  sorrow  yesterday  mornin',  for  she 
was  n't  more  'n  fairly  on  her  way  to  town 
when  she  run  square  up  to  him  on  the 
bridge  an'  as  a  result  was  just  in  time  to  be 
the  first  for  him  to  try  his  new  memory 
system  on,  an'  she  told  Gran 'ma  Mullins 
an'  me  with  tears  in  her  eyes  an'  her  felt 
174 


slippers  solemnly  crossed  on  top  of  each 
other,  as  she  can  not  see  why  it  had  to  be 
her  of  all  people  an'  her  shoes  of  all  things, 
for  she  says  —  an'  I  certainly  felt  to  agree, 
Mrs.  Lathrop  —  as  if  there's  any  thin'  on 
the  wide  earth  as  you  don't  want  to  apply 
a  memory  system  to  it's  your  shoes,  for 
shoes  is  some  thin'  as  is  happiest  forgot. 

"Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  seems  as  this  new 
memory  system  of  the  minister's  is  a  thing 
as  he  got  out  of  a  Sunday  School  magazine 
in  reward  for  workin'  out  a  puzzle.  Seems 
you  guess  big  cities  till  their  capital  letters 
spell  'Memory,'  an'  then  you  send  the 
answers  to  the  magazine  an'  a  dollar  for 
postage  an'  packin'  an'  then  they  send  you 
the  memory  system  complete  in  one  book 
for  nothin'  a  tall.  Or  you  can  add  in  a 
two-cent  stamp  an'  not  guess  nothin',  but 
the  minister  guessed  'cause  he  felt  as  in 
his  circumstances  he  had  n't  ought  to  waste 
even  two  cents!  Seems  as  they  had  a 
most  awful  time  afore  they  found  Ypsilanti 
for  the  'Y,f  an'  for  a  while  they  was  most 
175 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

afraid  they'd  have  to  be  reckless  with  two 
cents,  but  they  got  it  in  the  end  an'  sent 
'em  all  off,  an'  the  book  come  back  with  a 
injunction  forbiddin'  it  to  be  lent  to  no  one 
stamped  on  every  page.  Seems  it  come 
back  day  before  yesterday  an'  the  minister 
sat  up  most  of  the  night  commemoratin' 
the  theory,  an'  then  Mrs.  Macy  says  he 
just  got  it  into  him  in  time  for  Fate  to  let 
him  go  an'  be  flung  at  her  right  on  the 
bridge!  She  says  she  wasn't  no  more 
mistrustin'  trouble  than  any  one  does  when 
they  meet  a  loose  minister  out  walkin'  an' 
she  says  she  can't  well  see  how  any  woman 
meetin'  a  man  across  a  bridge  can  be 
blamed  for  not  knowin'  as  he 's  just  grasped 
a  new  principle  an'  is  dyin'  to  apply  it  to 
the  first  thing  handy. 

"She  says  he  asked  her  where  she  was 
goin'  an'  she  told  him  frank  an'  open  as 
she  was  goin'  to  the  city  to  buy  some  shoes 
as  was  warranted  not  to  pinch.  She  says 
he  asked  her  what  kind  of  shoes  they  was 
an'  she  opened  her  little  bag  an'  got  out 
176 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

the  paper  an'  read  him  as  they  was  Kulosis 
shoes.  He  asked  her  why  she  had  it  wrote 
down  an'  she  told  him  as  she  had  it  wrote 
down  so  as  not  to  forget  the  kind  an'  maybe 
get  pinched  again. 

"Well,  she  says  she  was  standin'  side- 
ways an'  was  n't  watchin'  particular,  so 
she  was  n't  in  no  state  to  suspect  no  thin' 
when  he  told  her  as  she  could  easy  throw 
that  piece  of  paper  away  an'  go  to  town 
without  it.  She  says  she  told  him  as  she 
knowed  that  she  could  easy  throw  the  piece 
of  paper  away  an'  go  to  town  without  it, 
but  how  was  she  to  remember  her  shoes 
which  was  the  reason  why  she  was  takin' 
the  piece  of  paper  along  with  her?  Then 
she  says  as  he  said  as  he'd  show  her  how 
to  remember  her  shoes  an'  welcome  an' 
she  says  as  she  thought  as  long  as  it  was 
welcome  she  might  as  well  stand  still,  so 
she  did. 

"  Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  you  can  believe  me 
or  not  just  as  you  please,  but  the  first  thing 
he  did  was  to  ask  her  what  Kulosis  reminded 
177 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

her  of,  which  struck  her  as  most  strange 
in  the  start  out.  But  she  told  him  as  it 
did  n't  remind  her  of  nothin'  but  shoes  an' 
let  it  go  at  that,  an'  she  says  it  was  plain 
as  then  he  had  to  think  of  some  thin'  as  it 
could  remind  somebody  of,  an'  she  says 
he  certainly  did  have  to  think  a  long  while 
an'  when  he  said  finally  as  it  reminded  him 
of  four  noses. 

"  Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  Mrs.  Macy  says  she 
never  heard  the  beat  of  that  in  all  her  born 
days,  an'  her  mind  went  back  to  her  child- 
hood days  an'  a  uncle  she  had,  an'  the 
Lord  11  surely  forgive  her  for  thinkin'  as  he  'd 
surely  been  drinkin';  she  says  she  was  so 
took  aback  that  he  see  it  in  her  face  an' 
told  her  right  then  an'  there  as  it  was  a 
memory  system.  Seems  as  the  key  to  the 
whole  is  as  you  must  reduce  everythin' 
to  Mother  Goose  so  as  not  to  need  the  brains 
as  you've  growed  since,  an'  the  minister 
told  Mrs.  Macy  as  she  'd  find  it  most  simple 
to  apply.  He  went  on  to  ask  her  what  did 
four  noses  remind  her  of,  an'  she  says  she 
178 


V 


'Mrs.  Macy  was  just  about  plum  paralyzed  at  that.'  "   Page  179. 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

thought  she  see  the  whole  game  at  that 
an'  told  him  as  quick  as  scat  that  they 
reminded  her  of  Kulosis,  but  oh,  my, 
seems  that  ain't  the  way  it  goes  a  tall,  an' 
he  begin  an'  explained  it  all  over  again, 
an'  where  he  come  out  in  the  end  was  as 
four  noses  would  just  naturally  remind 
any  one  as  had  more  brains 'n  Mrs.  Macy 
of  'Two  legs  sat  upon  three  legs.'  You 
know  the  rhyme  in  Mother  Goose  where 
the  dog  is  four  legs  an'  gets  the  mutton 
as  is  one  leg  in  the  man's  lap? 

"Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  you  can  maybe 
understand  as  Mrs.  Macy  was  just  about 
plum  paralyzed  at  that!  Her  story  is  as 
she  just  stood  afore  him  with  her  mouth 
open  like  a  Jack-o '-lantern's,  wonderin' 
what  under  the  sun  she  was  goin'  to  be 
asked  to  remember  next,  an'  when  he  said 
that  was  all,  an'  for  her  just  to  simply  tear 
up  the  paper,  she  forgot  all  about  Luther 
Stott's  wife  on  the  back  an'  tore  up  the 
paper.  He  said  for  her  to  go  right  along 
to  town  fully  an'  freely  rely  in'  on  'Two 
179 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

legs  sat  upon  three  legs'  to  get  her  her 
shoes,  an'  she  says  what  with  bein'  so  dumb- 
foundered,  an'  what  with  him  bein'  the 
minister  into  the  bargain,  she  went  along 
to  the  station  thinkin'  as  maybe  she'd  be 
able  to  do  it. 

"Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  I  wish  you  could 
hear  Mrs.  Macy  for  that  ain't  nothin'  but 
the  beginnin',  whatever  you  may  think, 
an'  the  rest  gets  awfuller  an'  awfuller! 

"In  the  first  place  talkin'  so  long  for 
the  minister  made  her  have  to  run  for  the 
train,  an*  you  know  what  Mrs.  Macy  is  on 
a  run.  She  said  she  got  so  hot,  as  she  was 
not  only  on  a  run  but  mostly  on  a  pour  all 
the  way  to  town.  Why,  she  says  it  was 
most  terrible  an'  she  says  nothin'  ever  give 
her  such  a  idea  as  she  was  a  born  fool  afore, 
for  with  it  all  she  had  to  keep  on  say  in' 
1  Two  legs  sat  upon  three  legs '  as  regular  as 
a  clock,  an'  she  was  so  afraid  she'd  forget 
it  that  she  did  n't  dare  even  take  her  usual 
little  nap  on  the  way  an'  so  had  no  choice 
but  to  land  all  wore  out. 
180 


A  MAN   IN  THE  HOUSE 

"Well,  as  soon  as  she  was  landed  she 
remembered  about  Luther  Stott's  wife  bein' 
on  the  back  of  the  piece  of  paper  an'  con- 
sequently tore  up  along  with  her  shoes,  an' 
she  says  the  start  she  got  over  rememberin' 
havin'  torn  up  Luther  Stott's  wife  drove 
what  'Two  legs  sat  upon  three  legs'  was 
to  remind  her  of  clean  out  of  her  head, 
not  to  speak  of  havin'  long  since  lost  track 
of  the  way  to  get  any  connection  between 
that  an'  her  shoes. 

"Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  I  only  wish  you'd 
of  been  there  to  heart  She  says  nobody 
ever  did  afore!  She  says  she  went  up  one 
street  an'  down  another  like  a  lost  soul, 
lookin'  for  a  policeman.  She  says  she 
felt  she  did  n't  know  where  to  find  no  thin r. 
She  could  n't  look  for  Luther  in  the  direc- 
tory 'cause  he's  long  dead  an'  only  his 
wife  lives  there,  an'  as  for  her  shoes  she 
was  clean  beside  herself.  She  says  she 
was  so  mad  at  the  minister  as  she'd  have 
throwed  away  her  baptism  an'  her  marriage 
then  an'  there  just  because  it  was  ministers 
181 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

as  done  'em  both  to  her,  if  there 'd  been 
anyway  to  get  'em  off.  Finally  she  just 
put  her  pride  into  her  pocket,  went  into  a 
shoe  store  an'  asked  'em  openly  if  'Two 
legs  sat  upon  three  legs'  reminded  'em  of 
any  thin'  in  the  way  of  shoes.  She  says 
the  man  looked  at  her  in  a  way  as  passed 
all  belief  an'  said  it  reminded  him  more  of 
pants  than  shoes. 

"Well,  she  says  she  went  out  into  the 
street  at  that  an'  her  heart  was  too  low  for 
any  use;  but  the  end  was  n't  yet,  for  as  she 
was  wanderin'  along  who  should  she  meet 
but  DrusillaCobb? 

"  Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  you  know  Drusilla 
Cobb!  You  know  what  she  was  afore  she 
left  here,  an'  Mrs.  Macy  says  ten  years  ain't 
altered  her  a  tall.  Whenever  Drusilla  was 
glad  to  see  any  one  she  always  had  a  reason, 
an'  Mrs.  Macy  says  it  speaks  loud  for  how 
clean  used  up  she  was  over  her  shoes  that 
she  never  remembered  that  way  of  Dru- 
silla's.  Drusilla  never  saw  no  one  on  the 
street  unless  she  had  a  reason,  an'  if  she 
182 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

had  a  reason  it  was  Heaven  help  them  as 
Brasilia  saw  on  the  street. 

"So  now  she  saw  Mrs.  Macy  an'  asked 
her  right  home  to  lunch  with  her,  an'  Mrs. 
Macy  very  gladly  went.  She  says  no  words 
can  tell  how  lively  an'  pleasant  Brasilia 
was,  an'  she  felt  to  be  glad  she  met  her  all 
the  way  home.  She  says  Brasilia  has  a 
very  nice  home  an'  a  thin  husband  an'  three 
very  thin  boys.  She  says  Brusilla  is  the 
only  fat  one  in  the  family." 

Susan  paused  and  drew  a  long  breath. 

Mrs.  Lathrop  adjusted  herself  in  a  new 
position. 

"Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  now's  where  the 
duck  comes  in.  The  duck  was  Brasilia's 
reason,  an'  Mrs.  Macy's  next  trial.  Mrs. 
Macy  says  if  any  one  had  told  her  as  she 
was  to  go  to  town  for  shoes  an'  bring  back 
a  duck,  or  be  did  in  one  day  first  by  the 
minister  an'  next  by  Brusilla  Cobb,  she'd 
take  her  Bible  oath  as  whoever  said  it  was 
lyin',  but  so  it  was." 

"Is  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 
183 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

"Yes,"  said  Miss  Clegg,  "it's  the  same 
one.  An'  this  is  its  why  as  told  by  Mrs. 
Macy  to  Gran 'ma  Mullins  an'  me."  She 
paused  and  drew  a  still  longer  breath. 
"  Seems,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  as  Brasilia's  hus- 
band had  got  a  friend  as  goes  huntin'  with 
a  doctor.  Seems  he  found  four  little  red- 
headed things  in  a  nest  of  reeds  an'  took 
one  an'  asked  the  doctor  what  it  was. 
Seems  the  doctor  said  as  he  thought  as 
it  was  a  golden-headed  oriole  but  the 
friend  thought  as  it  was  a  mud  hen.  So 
he  give  it  to  Drusilla's  youngest  boy  to 
raise  in  a  flat  for  his  birthday.  Well,  Mrs. 
Macy  says  bein'  raised  in  a  flat  was  surely 
most  new  to  the  animal  as  very  soon  turned 
out  to  be  a  duck.  Seems  it  snapped  at  all 
the  black  spots  in  the  carpets  for  bugs  an' 
when  they  put  it  in  the  bath-tub  to  swim 
it  would  n't  swim  but  just  kept  diving  for 
the  hole  in  the  bottom.  Seems  they  had 
a  most  lively  time  with  it  an'  it  run  after 
'em  everywhere  an'  snapped  at  their  shoe- 
buttons  an'  squawked  nights,  an'  when 
184 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

Brasilia  see  Mrs.  Macy  she  thought  right 
off  as  she  could  give  her  the  duck  to  take 
home  with  her  'cause  she  lived  in  the 
country.  So  that  was  how  Mrs.  Macy 
come  to  be  asked  to  take  dinner  at  Dru- 
silla's  so  dreadful  pleasant. 

"  Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  Mrs.  Macy  says  as 
she  no  more  mistrusted  what  travelin'  with 
a  duck  is  than  any  thin',  so  although  she 
could  n't  say  as  she  really  relishes  any 
duck  afore  he's  cooked,  she  thought  as  it 
could  swim  in  the  crick,  an'  maybe  grow 
to  be  a  comfort,  so  she  let  them  put  it  in  a 
basket,  an'  give  her  a  envelope  of  dead 
flies  for  it  to  lunch  on,  an'  she  set  off  for 
home.  She  had  to  wait  a  long  time  for  a 
car  an'  the  duck  was  so  restless  it  eat  eight 
flies  an'  bit  her  twice  waitin',  but  finally 
the  car  come  along  an'  she  an'  the  duck 
got  on.  Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  she  says  you 
never  hear  no  thin'  like  that  duck  when  it 
felt  itself  on  a  electric  car!  The  conductor 
heard  it  an'  come  runnin'  an'  stopped  the 
car  an'  put  'em  both  off  afore  she  realized 
185 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

as  she  was  gettin'  off  for  her  duck  instead 
of  her  depot. 

"So  there  was  Mrs.  Macy  stranded  high 
an'  dry  in  a  strange  part  of  the  city  alone 
with  a  duck  out  of  the  goodness  of  her  heart. 
You  can  maybe  believe  as  she  was  very  far 
from  feelin'  friendly  to  Brasilia  Cobb  when 
she  realized  as  she  could  n't  take  no  car 
with  no  duck  an'  didn't  know  Brasilia's 
number  to  take  her  back  her  duck,  neither. 
Mrs.  Macy  says  as  she  felt  herself  slowly 
growin'  mad  an'  she  went  into  a  store  near 
by  an'  asked  'em  if  they  had  a  telephone. 
They  said  they  had,  an'  she  says  she  never 
will  know  what  possessed  her  but  she  just 
looked  that  telephone  square  in  the  eye  an' 
told  it  to  get  her  the  president  of  the  car 
company  without  a  second's  delay.  She 
says  it  was  astonishin'  how  quick  it  got  her 
somebody  an'  as  soon  as  they'd  each  said 
' Hello'  polite  enough,  she  just  up  an'  asked 
him  to  please  tell  her  the  difference  between 
a  duck  an'  a  canary-bird.  Well,  she  says 
he  did  n't  say  nothin'  for  a  minute  an' 
186 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

then  he  said  'Wh-a-t?'  in  a  most  feeble 
manner,  an'  she  asked  him  it  right  over 
again.  Then  she  said  he  was  more  nervous 
an'  made  very  queer  noises  an'  finally  asked 
her  what  in  Noah's  ark  she  wanted  to  know 
for.  She  says  she  could  n't  but  think  that 
very  ill-bred,  considerin'  her  age,  but  she 
was  in  a  situation  where  she  had  to  over- 
look any  thin',  so  she  told  him  as  she  knowed 
an'  he  knowed,  too,  as  any  one  could  take 
a  canary-bird  an'  travel  anywhere  an' 
never  know  what  it  was  to  be  put  off  for 
no  thin'.  She  said  he  shook  the  wire  a 
little  more  an'  then  asked  her  if  she  was 
meanin'  to  lead  him  to  infer  that  she  had 
been  injected  from  a  car  with  a  duck.  She 
says  his  tone  was  so  disrespectful  that  she 
felt  her  own  beginnin'  to  rise  an'  she  told  him 
so  far  from  bein'  injected  she  'd  been  put  out 
an'  off  a  car  an'  she  had  the  duck  right  with 
her  to  prove  it.  He  told  her  as  he  would  ad- 
vise her  to  try  to  do  the  duck  up  in  a  derby 
hat  an'  smuggle  him  through  that  way,  an' 
then  without  a  word  more  he  hung  up. 
187 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

"  Well,  Mrs.  Macy  says  she  just  about 
never  was  so  mad  afore.  She  says  when 
she  turned  around  all  the  men  in  the  store 
was  laughin'  an'  that  made  her  madder  yet, 
but  there  was  one  on  'em  as  said  he  felt 
for  her  'cause  he  owned  a  pair  of  ducks 
himself,  an'  he  went  in  the  back  of  the 
store  an'  found  a  old  hat-box  as  was  pretty 
large  an'  he  went  to  work  an'  took  the 
duck  out  of  the  basket  an'  put  him  into 
the  box  an'  give  Mrs.  Macy  'em  both  to 
carry  an'  put  her  on  another  car  an'  she 
set  off  again. 

"Well,  that  time  she  got  to  the  depot 
all  safe,  an'  if  there  was  n't  old  Dr.  Carter 
from  Meadville  an'  it  goes  without  sayin' 
as  old  Dr.  Carter  from  Meadville  could 
drive  any  duck  clean  out  of  Mrs.  Macy's 
head,  so  she  an'  he  set  out  to  be  real  happy 
to  the  Junction,  an'  the  first  thing  he 
asked  her  was  if  she'd  been  buyin'  a  new 
bonnet  in  town  an'  she  laughed  an'  give 
the  box  a  little  heave  an'  the  bottom  come 
out  an*  the  duck  flew  down  the  car. 
188 


1  'The  bottom  come  out  an'  the  duck  flew  down  the  car.'  "    Page  188- 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

"Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  you  can  maybe 
guess  as  that  was  most  try  in'  both  to  Mrs. 
Macy  an'  Dr.  Carter  as  well,  as  is  both  fat  an' 
was  both  wedged  in  one  seat  expectin'  to  en- 
joy all  they  could  of  each  other  to  the  Junc- 
tion. Dr.  Carter  was  obliged  to  un wedge 
himself  an'  catchin'  the  duck  was  a  most 
awful  business  an'  Dr.  Carter  had  to  get  off 
just  about  as  soon  as  it  was  done.  Well, 
Mrs.  Macy  says  helpin'  to  catch  your  duck 
seems  to  make  every  one  feel  as  free  as  air, 
an'  a  man  come  right  off  an'  sat  with  her 
right  off  an'  asked  her  right  off  whether  it 
was  a  duck  or  a  drake.  Why,  she  says  she 
never  did  —  not  in  all  her  life  —  an'  he  told 
her  she  could  easy  tell  by  catchin'  a  spider 
an'  givin'  it  to  the  duck  an'  if  he  took  it  it 
was  a  drake  an'  if  she  took  it  it  was  a  duck. 
He  asked  her  if  it  was  n't  so  an'  she  said 
she  couldn't  deny  it,  an'  then  he  went 
back  to  his  own  seat  an'  she  rode  the  rest 
of  the  way  try  in'  to  figure  on  where  the 
hitch  was  in  what  he  said,  for  she  says  as 
she  certainly  feels  there's  a  hitch  an*  yet 
189 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

you  can't  deny  that  it's  all  straight  about 
the  spider  an'  the  he  and  the  she. 

"Well,  so  she  got  home  an'  went  right 
up  to  her  house,  put  the  duck  in  the  rat 
trap,  an'  went  over  to  ask  the  minister 
about  her  shoes,  an'  what  do  you  think, 
Mrs.  Lathrop,  what  do  you  think!  The 
minister  had  clean  forgot  himself!  He 
was  sittin'  there  on  his  piazza,  advisin'  Mrs. 
Brown  to  make  her  pound-cake  by  savin' 
'One,  two,  three,  Mother  caught  a  flea,' 
the  flea  bein'  the  butter,  an'  Mrs.  Macy 
says  it  was  plain  to  be  seen  as  he  was  n't 
a  bit  pleased  at  her  comin'  in  that  way  to 
have  his  memory  system  applied  to  her 
backward. 

"  She  says  after  that  she  went  home  to 
the  duck  madder  'n  ever  an'  put  on  her 
felt  slippers  an'  made  up  her  mind  as  she'd 
make  up  for  her  lost  day  by  rippin'  up  her 
old  carpets,  an'  that  was  the  crownin' 
pyramid  in  her  Egyptian  darkness,  for  it's 
the  carpet  as  has  ended  her." 

"  Oh  —  "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Lathrop. 
190 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

"Oh,  she's  alive,"  said  Susan,  "but  she 
ain't  much  more  'n  alive,  an'  it's  a  wonder 
that  she's  that,  an'  it  would  be  very  bad 
for  her  if  she  was  n't,  for  young  Dr.  Brown 
says  she  can  die  fifty  times  before  he'll 
ever  go  near  her  again.  He's  awful  mad 
an'  he's  got  a  bad  bump  on  his  nose  too 
where  he  fell  over  her,  an'  Mrs.  Sweet's 
got  to  stay  in  bed  three  days  too  for  her 
arm  where  she  dislocated  it  jerkin'  — 
although  goodness  knows  what  she  tried 
jerkin'  for  —  for  I'd  as  soon  think  of 
try  in'  to  jerk  a  elephant  from  under  a 
whale  as  to  try  to  jerk  Mrs.  Macy  from 
under  a  carpet.  An'  even  with  it  all  they 
could  n't  get  her  up  an'  had  to  get  the 
blacksmith's  crowbar  an'  pry,  an'  Mrs. 
Sweet  says  if  any  one  doubts  as  pryin'  is 
painful  they'd  ought  to  of  been  there  to 
hear  Mrs.  Macy  an'  see  Hiram  an'  the 
blacksmith." 

"But  what —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  I  'm  goin'  to  tell  you  if  you'll  just  keep 
still  a  little  longer  an'  let  me  get  through  to 
191 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

the  end,"  said  her  friend.  "  I  got  this  part 
all  back  an'  forth  an'  upside  down  from 
Mrs.  Sweet  while  I  was  takin'  her  home  by 
the  other  arm.  Oh,  my,  but  it's  awful 
about  her,  for  she  was  preservin'  an'  wanted 
a  extra  cullender  an'  lost  her  right  arm  in 
consequence.  I  hope  her  experience  '11  be 
a  lesson  to  you,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  for  it's 
been  such  a  lesson  to  me  that  I  may  men- 
tion right  here  an'  now  't  if  I  ever  hear  you 
hollerin'  I  shall  put  for  the  opposite  direc- 
tion as  quick  as  I  can  for  I  would  n't  never 
take  no  chances  at  gettin'  dislocated  like 
Mrs.  Sweet  is  —  not  if  I  knew  it.  Young 
Dr.  Brown  says  she's  decapitated  the 
angular  connection  between  her  collar  bone 
an'  somewhere  else,  an'  she  says  she  can 
well  believe  it  judgin'  from  the  way  her 
ear  keeps  shootin'  into  her  wrist  an'  back 
again." 

"  But  —  "  interrupted  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  you  know  how  Mrs. 
Macy  always  was  forever  given  to  econo- 
mizin'.     I  don't  say  as  econonmin'  is  any 
192 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

sin,  but  I  will  say  as  Mrs.  Macy's  ways  of 
economizin'  is  sometimes  most  singular  an' 
to-day's  a  example  of  that.  Economy's  all 
right  as  long  as  you  economize  out  of  your- 
self, but  when  it  takes  in  Mrs.  Sweet  an' 
bumps  young  Dr.  Brown  I've  no  patience 
—  no  more  'n  Mrs.  Sweet  an'  young  Dr. 
Brown  has.  Young  Dr.  Brown  says  it 
looks  awful  to  have  a  black  eye  an'  no 
reason  for  it  except  fallin'  over  a  carpet. 
He  says  when  he  explains  as  Mrs.  Macy 
was  under  the  carpet  no  one  is  goin'  to 
think  it  any  thin'  but  funny,  an'  he  says  a 
doctor  must  n't  be  hurt  funny  ways.  Mrs. 
Sweet  don't  feel  to  blame  herself  none  for 
her  arm  'cause  she  jerked  like  she  does 
everythin'  else,  with  her  whole  heart,  an' 
she  says  she  did  so  want  to  set  her  up  that 
she  tried  harder  an'  harder  every  jerk. 

"Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  to  go  'way  back  to 
the  beginning  seems  as  Mrs.  Macy  set  out 
last  night,  as  I  said  before,  to  make  over 
her  carpet.  Seems  as  she  wanted  to  turn 
it  all  around  so's  it'd  fade  away  under  the 
193 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

stove  an'  fray  out  in  the  corner  where  it 
don't  show.  I  don't  say  as  the  idea  was  n't 
a  good  one  —  although  it 's  come  pretty 
hard  on  Mrs.  Sweet  —  but  anyhow,  good 
or  no  good,  she  dug  up  the  tacks  last  night 
an'  ripped  the  widths  an'  set  down  to  sew 
this  mornin'.  Her  story  is  as  she  turned 
the  duck  out  to  pasture  right  after  break- 
fast an'  then  went  to  work  an'  sewed  away 
as  happy  as  a  bean  until  about  ten  o'clock. 
Then  she  felt  most  awful  tired  from  the 
rippin'  an'  yesterday  an'  all,  so  she  thought 
she'd  rest  a  little.  Seems  as  her  legs  was 
all  done  up  in  the  carpet  an'  gettin'  out 
was  hard  so  she  thought  she'd  just  lay 
back  on  the  floor.  Seems  she  lay  back 
suddener  than  she  really  intended  an'  as 
she  hit  the  floor,  she  was  took. 

"She  give  a  yell  an'  she  says  she  kept 
on  givin'  yells  for  one  solid  hour,  an'  no 
one  come.  She  says  as  no  words  can  ever 
tell  how  awful  it  was,  for  every  yell  sent 
a  pain  like  barbed  wire  lightnin'  forkin' 
an'  knifin'  all  ways  through  her.  No  one 
194 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

heard  her,  for  the  blacksmith  was  shoein' 
a  mule  on  one  side  of  her  an'  Gran 'ma 
Mullins  an'  Lucy  was  discussin'  Hiram  on 
the  other.  You  know  what  a  mule  is  to 
shoe,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  an'  you  know  what 
Gran 'ma  Mullins  an'  Lucy  is  when  they  take 
to  discussin'  Hiram.  I  '11  take  my  Bible  oath 
as  when  Gran 'ma  Mullins  an'  Lucy  gets  to 
discussin'  Hiram  they  could  n't  hear  no 
steam  penelope  out  of  a  circus,  not  if  it 
was  settin'  full  tilt  right  on  their  very  own 
door-mat.  So  poor  Mrs.  Macy  laid  there 
an'  hollered  till  Mrs.  Sweet  came  for  the 
cullender. 

"  Mrs.  Sweet  says,  the  shock  she  got  when 
she  opened  the  door  an'  see  Mrs.  Macy  with 
the  carpet  on  her  was  enough  to  upset 
anybody. 

"  She  says  she  thought  at  first  as  Mrs. 
Macy  was  tryin'  to  take  up  her  carpet  by 
crawlin'  under  it  an'  makin'  the  tacks 
come  out  that  way.  But  then  she  see  as 
her  face  was  up  an'  of  course  no  Christian 'd 
ever  crawl  under  no  carpet  with  her  face 
195 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

up.  So  she  asked  her  what  was  the  matter, 
an'  Mrs.  Macy  told  her  frank  an'  open  as  she 
did  n't  know  what  was  the  matter.  Then 
Mrs.  Sweet  went  to  work  an'  tried  to  set  her 
up.  An'  she  says  the  way  she  yelled! 

"She  says  she  jerked  her  by  the  arms, 
an'  by  the  legs,  an'  even  by  the  head,  an' 
her  howls  only  grew  awfuler  an'  awfuler. 
Mrs.  Macy  says  as  her  agonies  was  terrible 
every  time  she  slid  a  little  along,  an'  she 
just  begged  an'  prayed  for  her  to  go  an' 
get  young  Dr.  Brown.  So  finally  Mrs. 
Sweet  ran  next  door  an'  separated  Lucy 
an'  Gran 'ma  Mullins  an'  Lucy  went  for 
young  Dr.  Brown  an'  Gran 'ma  Mullins  an' 
Mrs.  Sweet  went  for  Mrs.  Macy.  Oh,  my, 
but  their  story  is  as  they  jerked  hard  then, 
for  they  wanted  her  to  be  respectable  in 
bed  afore  he  came,  but  it  was  no  use  an' 
he  bounced  in  an'  fell  over  Mrs.  Macy  an' 
the  carpet  afore  his  eyes  got  used  to  where 
he  was.  They  had  to  help  him  up  an' 
then  he  had  to  go  in  the  kitchen  an'  dis- 
infect his  bump  afore  he  could  take  a  look 
196 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

at  Mrs.  Macy.  But  seems  he  got  around  to 
her  at  last  an'  felt  her  pulse  an'  then  as 
he'd  forgot  his  kinetoscope  he  just  pounded 
her  softly  all  over  with  the  tack-hammer, 
but  he  did  n't  find  out  nothin'  that  way  for 
she  yelled  wherever  he  hit  her.  He  said 
then  as  he'd  like  to  turn  X-rays  through 
her,  only  as  there  is  n't  no  cellar  under 
her  house  just  there  there  'd  be  no  way  to 
get  a  picture  of  the  other  side  of  what  was 
the  matter  with  her. 

"So  he  said  she  must  be  got  up,  an' 
although  she  howled  as  she  could  n't  be, 
he  had  Lucy  an'  Hiram  an'  the  black- 
smith's crowbar  an'  the  blacksmith,  an' 
it  was  plain  as  she  'd  have  to  come  whether 
nor  no.  Mrs.  Sweet  says  it  was  surely  a 
sight  to  see.  They  put  the  crowbar  across 
a  footstool,  an'  Hiram  jerked  on  the  other 
side  at  the  same  time,  an'  with  a  yell  like 
Judgment  Day  they  sat  her  up. 

"An'  what  do  you  think,  Mrs.  Lathrop? 
What  do   you  think?     There  was  a  tack 
stickin'  square  in  the  middle  of  her  back! 
197 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

"Oh,  my,  but  young  Dr.  Brown  was 
awful  mad!  Mr.  Kimball  says  he  guesses 
he's  got  suthin'  out  of  somebody  now  as 
he  won't  care  to  preserve  in  alcohol  for  a 
ornament  to  his  mantelpiece.  Hiram  is 
mad,  too,  for  he  was  goin'  over  to  Mead- 
ville  to  fan  a  baseball  team  this  afternoon 
an'  he  says  Mrs.  Macy  has  used  up  all  his 
fannin'  muscle.  An'  Lucy's  mad  'cause 
she  says  she  was  way  ahead  of  Gran 'ma 
Mullins  in  what  they  were  talkin'  about 
an'  now  she's  forgotten  what  that  was. 
But  Gran 'ma  Mullins  was  maddest  of  all 
when  she  found  out  about  the  duck,  'cause 
it  seems  as  Drusilla  Cobb's  husband  was 
a  relation  of  hers  an'  as  a  consequence 
she  never  could  bear  Drusilla,  so  I  said  I  'd 
take  the  duck." 

"What  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  I  shall  fat  him  an'  eat  him." 

"An'  what — "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop, 
further. 

"Oh,  I  forgot  to  tell  you  that:  Mrs. 
Macy  hunted  up  the  magazine  an'  looked 
198 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

'em  up  an'  for  a  fact  it  was  Kulosis  after 
all.  As  soon  as  she  see  it  she  remembered 
the  four  noses  an'  all,  but  she  says  she  was 
too  done  up  to  go  any  further  at  the 
minister  just  then." 

"Is —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop,  finally. 

"  I  don't  know,  an'  I  don't  care  anyhow, 
an'  I  ain't  goin'  to  catch  no  spider  for  the 
sake  of  findin'  out.  He'll  eat  just  as  well 
as  she  will,  I  reckon,  an'  if  I  have  any 
doubts,  my  ways  of  settlin'  'em  11  be  by 
parboilin'  instead  of  spiders." 

So  saying  Susan  rose,  sought  her  duck, 
and  departed. 


199 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 


CHAPTER  XIII 

MONOTONY   OF    MINISTERIAL   MONOLOGUES 

MRS.  LATHROP  never  went  to  church. 
She  had  relinquished  church  when 
she  had  given  up  all  other  social  joys  that 
called  for  motive  power  beyond  the  limits 
of  her  own  fence. 

Elijah  rarely  ever  went  to  church.  The 
getting  the  paper  out  Friday  for  Saturday 
delivery  wore  on  him  so  that  he  nearly 
always  slept  until  noon  on  Sunday. 

So  Susan  went  alone  week  after  week, 
just  as  she  had  been  going  alone  for  years 
and  years  and  years.  She  always  wore  a 
black  dress  to  church,  her  mother's  cash- 
mere shawl,  and  a  bonnet  of  peculiar  shape 
which  had  no  strings  and  fitted  closely 
around  her  head.  She  always  took  about 
an  hour  and  a  half  to  get  home  from  church, 
200 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

although  it  was  barely  ten  minutes'  walk, 
and  she  always  went  in  Mrs.  Lathrop's 
gate  instead  of  her  own  when  she  did  get 
home.  Mrs.  Lathrop  knew  almost  to  the 
minute  when  to  expect  her 'and  was  invaria- 
bly seated  ready  and  waiting. 

One  late  May  day  when  Susan  returned 
from  church  she  followed  her  usual  course 
of  Sunday  observances  by  going  straight  to 
her  neighbor's  and  sitting  down  hard  on 
one  of  the  latter 's  kitchen  chairs,  but  she 
differed  from  her  usual  course  by  her  ex- 
pression, which  —  usually  bland  and  fairly 
contented  with  the  world  in  general  —  was 
this  morning  most  bitterly  set  and  firmly 
assured  in  displeasure. 

"Well,"  said  Mrs.  Lathrop,  somewhat 
alarmed  but  attempting  to  speak  pleasantly, 
"was—" 

"No,"  said  Susan,  "I  should  say  not." 
Then  she  unpinned  her  hat  and  ran  the 
pin  through  the  crown  with  a  vicious 
directness  that  bore  out  her  words  to  the 
full. 

201 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

"Susan!"  said  Mrs.  Lathrop,  appalled, 
"why--" 

"Well,  I  can't  help  it  if  you  are,"  said 
Miss  Clegg,  "you  don't  have  to  go  Sunday 
after  Sunday  an'  listen  like  I  do.  If  you 
did,  an'  if  you  had  what  you  ain't  got  an' 
that's  some  spirit,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  you'd  be 
rammin'  around  with  a  hat-pin  yourself 
an'  understand  my  feelin's  when  I  say  as 
there  ain't  a  spot  in  the  Bible  as  I  ain't 
been  over  fully  as  often  as  the  minister  nor 
a  place  where  he  can  open  it  that  I  can't 
tell  just  what  he'll  say  about  it  afore  he's 
done  settlin'  his  tie  an'  clearin'  his  throat. 
I  'm  so  tired  of  that  tie-settlin'  an'  throat- 
clearin'  business  I  don't  know  what  to  do 
an'  then  to-day  it  was  the  Sermon  on  the 
Mount  an'  he  said  as  he  had  a  new  thought 
to  develop  out  of  the  mount  for  us  an'  the 
new  thought  was  as  life  was  a  mount  with 
us  all  climbin'  up  it  an'  sure  to  come  out 
on  top  with  the  Sermon  if  our  legs  held  out. 
It's  this  new  idea  of  new  thoughts  as  he's 
got  hold  of  as  puts  me  so  out  of  all  patience 
202 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

I  don't  know  what  to  do;  if  they  was 
really  new  I'd  revel  to  listen  to  'em,  but 
they're  as  old  as  the  hills  an'  I  feel  like  I 
was  offered  somethin'  to  cut  my  teeth  on 
whenever  I  hear  him  beginnin'  with  a 
fresh  old  one.  The  other  day  I  met  him 
down  in  the  square  an'  he  stopped  me  short 
an'  told  me  to  my  face  as  the  world  was 
gettin'  full  o'  new  thoughts,  an'  that  a  star 
as  he  see  the  night  afore  had  given  him 
one  as  he  was  intendin'  to  work  up  for 
Christmas.  Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  what  do 
you  think  that  particular  new  thought 
was?  What  do  you  think?  It  was  as 
God  was  back  o'  the  stars!  My  lands,  I 
felt  like  givin'  him  a  punch  with  my  parasol 
an'  I  'd  of  done  it  too  only  I  'd  left  my 
parasol  at  home  an'  had  n't  nothin'  with 
me  but  a  basket  o'  currants.  I  told  him 
though  as  the  idea  o'  God  an'  the  stars 
bein'  anyways  new  was  surely  most  new  to 
me,  an'  then  I  went  on  to  say  as  Rachel 
Rebecca  had  said  she'd  come  an'  pick 
berries  for  me  Monday  an'  seein'  as  Tues- 
203 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

day  was  lettin'  its  sun  down  pretty  fast  I 
could  only  hope  as  some  other  new  thought 
had  n't  run  off  with  her,  too. 

"It's  this  way,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  I  don't 
get  much  fun  out  o'  church  anyway,  for 
I'm  on  red-hot  porcupines  the  whole  time 
I'm  there  thinkin'  what  I  could  be  doin' 
at  home  if  I  was  at  home,  an'  wonderin' 
whether  Elijah  is  in  bed  or  whether  he's 
up  an'  about.  I  don't  know  a  more  awful 
feelin'  than  the  feelin'  that  you're  chained 
helpless  in  a  church  while  the  man  in  your 
house  is  up  an'  about  your  house.  Men 
were  n't  meant  to  be  about  houses  an'  I 
always  liked  father  because  he  never  was 
about,  but  Elijah  is  of  a  inquirin'  dis- 
position an'  he  inquires  more  Sundays  than 
any  other  time.  The  idea  as  he 's  wanderin' 
around  just  carelessly  lookin'  into  e very- 
thin'  as  ain't  locked  upsets  me  for  listenin' 
to  the  minister  anyway,  but  lately  my 
patience  has  been  up  on  its  hind  legs  in 
church  clawin'  an'  yowlin'  more  'n  ever, 
for  it  seems  as  if  the  minister  gets  tamer 
204 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

an'  tamer  faster  an'  faster  as  time  rolls  on, 
an'  between  not  likin'  to  hear  him  an'  bein' 
half  mad  to  get  back  to  Elijah  I  'm  beginnin' 
to  wish  as  God  in  His  infinite  mercy  had 
let  me  be  some  thin'  besides  a  Christian.  I 
don't  know  what  I'd  be  if  I  wasn't  a 
Christian,  but  my  own  view  o'  this  idea  o' 
free-trade  in  religion  as  is  takin'  so  many 
folks  nowadays  is  as  it  all  comes  from  most 
anybody  with  common  sense  jus'  naturally 
knowin'  more  than  any  minister  as  always 
has  his  house  an'  his  potatoes  for  no  thin' 
ever  can  possibly  get  a  chance  to  learn; 
an'  when  folks  realize  as  they  know  more 
than  the  minister  they  ain't  apt  to  like 
to  waste  the  time  as  they  might  be  learnin' 
more  yet,  sittin'  an'  listenin'  to  him  tag 
along  behind  what  they  know  already.  A 
minister  is  kind  o'  like  a  horse  in  blinders 
or  a  cow  as  wears  a  yoke  to  keep  her  from 
jumpin',  anyway  —  he  feels  as  he  can't 
launch  out  even  if  he  wants  to  an'  so  he 
never  does,  but  my  idea  would  be  to  give 
'em  a  little  rope  an'  let  'em  be  a  little  more 
205 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

interestin'.  Here's  two  hours  a  week  as 
we  sit  still  an'  might  be  learnin'  things 
much  more  useful  than  as  Job  was  patient 
an'  Joseph  wasn't.  I'm  tired  of  Job  an' 
Joseph  anyhow.  I  've  heard  about  'em  both 
ever  since  I  was  old  enough  to  know  about 
either,  an'  long  afore  I  was  old  enough  to 
know  about  Joseph.  I  was  talkin'  about 
this  at  the  sewin'  society  yesterday  an' 
they  all  agreed  with  me.  Mrs.  Macy  said 
as  her  feelin'  was  as  she'd  been  wantin' 
to  go  to  sleep  in  church  for  the  last  five 
years,  an'  she  was  beginnin'  to  have  it  so 
strong  as  she  did  n't  care  who  knowed  it. 

"Was    the    minister's — "     asked    Mrs. 
Lathrop,  with  vivid  curiosity. 

"No,  'cause  Brunhilde  Susan  thought  a 
moth  ball  was  a  lemon  drop  an'  dealt  with 
it  a'cordin',  an'  she  was  too  used  up  by 
the  bein'  up  all  night  to  even  so  much  as 
overcast  a  plain  seam;  but  the  rest  was 
there  an'  we  all  aired  ourselves  inside  out, 
I  can  assure  you,  an'  was  more  'n  glad  as 
she  was  n't  there,  so  we  could  do  it,  too. 
206 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

"  The  general  talk  was  as  the  minister  'd 
do  well  to  quit  talkin'  about  Heaven  for  a 
while  an'  come  down  to  earth.  We  all 
know  about  Heaven,  'cause  if  you  don't  all 
you  have  to  do  is  to  tip  back  your  head  an' 
there  it  is  day  an'  night  for  you  to  look  at  as 
long  as  your  neck  don't  ache,  but  what 
we  don't  know  about  is  a  lot  of  what's 
right  around  us.  Mrs.  Macy  says  as  her 
view  would  be  to  take  the  Bible  for  the 
motto  an'  then  apply  it  right  to  us  here 
to-day,  an'  tell  us  how  to  understand  what's 
goin'  on  in  the  world  by  its  light.  She 
says  David  an'  Goliath  could  of  been  Japan 
an'  Russia  with  Admiral  Togo  for  the  sling 
shot,  an'  we  all  felt  to  agree  as  there  was  a 
idea  as  no  minister  ought  to  mind  ownin', 
for  Mrs.  Sweet  told  me  comin'  home  as  she 
never  would  of  give  Mrs.  Macy  credit  for 
thinkin'  no  thin'  out  so  closely  as  that. 
Every  one  was  interested  right  off  an'  you 
ought  to  of  been  there  to  see  how  the  idea 
took !  Gran 'ma  Mullins  said  as  she  'd  always 
wanted  to  know  what  a  soft-nosed  bullet 
207 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

looked  like  an'  how  their  other  features  felt, 
an'  a  sermon  like  that  could  n't  but  give  us 
all  a  new  understandin'  of  a  war.  Then 
they  all  got  to  thinkin'  out  the  thing,  an' 
Mrs.  Sweet  said  as  Jezabel  bein'  throwed  to 
the  dogs  could  apply  to  that  new  rule  in 
the  city  as  makes  you  have  to  go  around 
with  your  dog's  nose  in  a  lattice  an'  your- 
self tied  to  the  dog;  she  said  when  she 
went  up  there  the  other  day  she  felt  like 
nothin'  but  a  fool  out  with  her  brother  an* 
him  bein'  jerked  here  an'  there  a 'cor  din' 
as  the  dog's  feelin's  moved  him,  an'  the 
dog's  lattice  half  the  time  over  one  of  his 
two  ears  so  he  looked  more  drunk  than 
sober  all  day.  Of  course  we  ain't  got  no 
such  rules  about  dogs'  noses  here,  but  no 
one  set  down  on  Mrs.  Sweet,  because  it 
showed  she  took  an  interest;  Mrs.  Brown 
said  when  she  was  done  as  she  should  think 
as  the  sun  standin'  still  on  Absalom  three 
days  could  be  worked  up  into  havin'  our 
streets  lit  all  night,  for  she  says  when 
young  Dr.  Brown  is  out  late,  Amelia's  so 
208 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

awful  nervous  she  has  to  sit  by  her  an' 
hold  her  hand,  an'  young  Dr.  Brown  always 
says  it  takes  him  a  good  hour  longer  than 
it  ought  to  gettin'  home,  on  a 'count  o' 
bein'  so  afraid  o'  runnin'  into  trees  in  the 
dark." 

"They  say — "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop, 
thoughtfully. 

"  Yes,  but  you  could  n't  make  his  mother 
believe  it,"  said  Susan;  "she  thinks  he 
eats  peppermint  comin'  home  nights  just 
because  he  likes  to  eat  peppermint  comin' 
home  nights.  Mothers  is  all  like  that. 
You  know  yourself  how  you  was  with 
Jathrop.  That'd  make  another  nice  talk, 
about  how  all  sons  was  n't  prodigals,  some 
bein'  obliged  by  fate  to  be  the  calf  instead. 
I  must  say,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  as  the  more  I 
think  of  this  new  idea  the  more  took  I  am 
with  it.  The  Bible  would  be  most  like  a 
new  book  if  we  took  it  that  way  an'  Sunday 
would  be  a  day  to  look  forward  to  all  the 
week  long,  just  to  see  what  the  minister 
was  goin'  to  say  about  what  next.  The 
209 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

sewin'  society  was  all  in  favor  of  the  idea 
an'  now  if  the  square  only  takes  it  up  with 
a  real  mother's  heart  I  don't  see  why  we 
shouldn't  get  some  profit  out  o'  keepin' 
a  minister  yet.  My  notion  is  as  the  min- 
ister might  just  as  well  learn  to  be  a  lesson 
to  us  as  to  be  so  dead  satisfied  with  only 
bein'  a  trial  to  us.  We've  got  trials 
enough,  Lord  knows,  an'  just  now  what 
with  the  weather  an'  the  cleanin'  house  no 
one  wants  to  go  to  church  to  hear  about 
things  as  they  all  know  anyhow." 

"I  wonder — "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop, 
thoughtfully. 

"No,  I  wouldn't  look  for  that,"  said 
Susan;  "every  one  has  their  limits  an'  I 
would  n't  expect  no  man  to  jump  over 
his  own  outside.  I  should  n't  ever  look  for 
the  minister  to  be  really  equal  to  workin' 
up  somethin'  real  spicy  as  would  fill  the 
house  out  o'  Uriah  the  Hittite  or  Abigail 
hangin'  upside  down  to  the  tree,  but  I 
can't  well  see  why  he  could  n't  teach  us 
whether  well  water 's  healthy  or  not  by 
210 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

quotin'  from  Rebecca,  an'  when  the  time 
comes  he  could  surely  get  a  real  nice 
Thanksgivin'  text  out  o'  John  the  Baptist's 
head  on  the  platter." 

"Well —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop,  slowly. 

"I'm  goin'  home  to  Elijah  now,"  said 
Susan,  "an'  I  shall  talk  the  matter  up  with 
him.  Elijah's  awful  funny,  Mrs.  Lathrop. 
However  much  he  roams  around  while 
I  'm  in  church  he  always  hops  back  in  bed 
an'  manages  to  be  sound  asleep  when  it's 
time  for  me  to  come  home.  An'  I  will  say 
this  for  him,  an'  that  is  as  with  all  his 
pry  in'  an'  meddlin'  he 's  clever  enough  to  get 
things  back  so  I  can  never  see  no  traces  of 
what  he's  been  at.  If  I  was  n't  no  sharper 
than  most  others,  I'd  think  as  he  never 
had  stirred  out  of  bed  while  I  was  gone  — 
but  I  am  sharper  than  others  an'  it'll  take 
a  sharper  young  man  than  Elijah  to  make 
me  suppose  as  all  is  gold  that  glitters  or 
that  a  man  left  all  alone  in  a  house  don't 
take  that  time  to  find  out  what  he's  alone 
in  the  midst  of." 

211 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 


CHAPTER  XIV 

ADVISABILITY    OF   NEWSPAPER   EXPOSURES 

WELL,  I  don't  know  I  'm  sure  what  I 
am  goin'  to  do  with  Elijah,"  said 
Susan  Clegg  to  her  friend  one  evening. 
"He's  just  as  restless  in  his  ideas  as  he 
is  in  bed,  an'  he's  not  content  in  bed  with- 
out untuckin'  every  thin'  at  the  foot.  I 
hate  a  bed  as  is  kicked  out  at  the  foot  an' 
I  hate  a  man  as  makes  a  woman  have  to 
put  the  whole  bed  together  again  new 
every  mornin'.  I'm  sure  I  don't  see  no 
good  to  come  of  kickin'  nights  an'  I've 
talked  to  Elijah  about  layin'  still  till  I 
should  think  he  could  n't  but  see  how  right 
I  am  an'  how  wrong  he  is,  but  still  he  goes 
right  on  kickin',  an'  now  he's  got  it  into 
his  head  as  he 's  got  to  turn  the  town  topsy- 
turvy by  findin'  out  suthin'  wrong  as  we'd 
212 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

rather  not  know,  an'  makin'  us  very  un- 
comfortable by  knowin'  it,  an'  knowin'  as 
now  we  know  it  we've  got  to  do  suthin' 
about  it,  an'  that  seems  to  make  him  kick 
more  than  ever." 

"  Dear  —  "  ejaculated  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"He  set  on  the  porch  for  an  hour  with 
me  last  night,"  Susan  went  on,  "try in'  to 
think  o'  suthin'  as  he  could  expose  in  the 
paper.  He  says  a  paper  ain't  nothin' 
nowadays  without  it's  exposin'  suthin, 
an'  a  town  ain't  fit  to  have  a  paper  if  it 
ain't  got  nothin'  to  expose  in  it.  He  says 
no  closet  without  some  skeleton,  an'  he 
should  think  we  'd  have  ours,  an'  in  the  end 
he  talked  so  much  that  I  couldn't  but 
feel  for  a  little  as  maybe  he  was  right  an'  as 
we  was  behind  the  times,  for  when  you 
come  to  think  it  over,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  nothin' 
ever  does  happen  here  as  had  n't  ought  to 
happen  —  not  since  Mr.  Shores'  wife  run 
off  with  his  clerk,  an'  that  wa'n't  no  great 
happenin',  for  they  could  n't  stand  sittin* 
on  the  piazza,  much  longer — every  one 
213 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

could  see  that  —  an'  Mrs.  Shores  was  n't 
one  to  have  any  man  but  her  own  husband 
comin'  in  an'  out  o'  the  house  at  all  hours, 
an'  so  if  she'd  got  to  the  point  where  she 
wanted  a  man  as  was  n't  her  own  husband 
comin'  in  an'  out,  she  just  had  to  up  an' 
run  away  with  him,  an'  I  never  have  been 
one  to  say  no  ill  of  her,  for  I  look  on  Mr. 
Shores  with  a  cool  an'  even  eye,  an'  lookin' 
on  Mr.  Shores  with  a  cool  an'  even  eye 
leads  me  to  fully  an'  freely  approve  of 
everythin'  as  his  wife  ever  done." 

"I  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Yes,  I  know  it,  an'  that's  why  I  speak 
as  I  do.  But  Elijah  seems  to  think  as 
suthin'  else  ought  to  of  happened  since  then, 
an'  he  asked  me  if  I  did  n't  know  of  nothin' 
as  was  bein'  tried  to  be  covered  up  as  he 
could  uncover,  an'  I  really  did  try  to  think 
of  suthin'  but  nobody  ever  covers  up 
nothin'  here.  Nobody  could  if  they  wanted 
to.  Everybody  knows  everythin'  about 
everybody.  We  all  know  about  Lucy  an' 
Hiram,  'cause  Gran 'ma  Mullins  is  always 
214 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

tellin'  her  side  an'  Hiram's  side,  an'  Lucy 
is  always  tellin'  her  side  an'  Hiram's  other 
side.  Gran 'ma  Mullins  says  when  she  sees 
a  man  like  Hiram  havin'  to  devote  his 
strength  an'  his  Sundays  to  catchin'  water- 
bugs,  she  most  feels  she's  been  a  mother 
in  vain,  an'  Lucy  says  when  she  realizes 
as  she's  married  a  man  as  can't  be  put  to 
no  better  use  Sundays  than  catchin'  water- 
bugs,  she  ain't  got  no  doubt  at  all  as  to 
what  she's  married.  Lucy's  gettin'  very 
bitter  about  marriage;  she  says  when  she 
thinks  as  she  may  be  picked  out  for  a 
golden  weddin'  she  feels  like  tyin'  balloons 
to  her  feet  an'  goin'  out  an'  standin'  on 
her  head  in  the  crick.  Elijah  asked  me 
if  maybe  she  was  n't  in  love  with  some  one 
else  as  he  could  just  notice  in  general  kind 
o'  terms,  but  I  told  him  he  did  n't  know 
what  Lucy  Dill  was  on  men  now  as  Hiram 
has  got  her  eyes  open.  Why,  Lucy  don't 
believe  no  more  in  love  a  tall.  Lucy  says 
if  she  was  rid  of  men  an'  left  on  a  desert 
island  alone,  with  one  cow,  so  she  could 
215 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

have  eggs  an'  milk  toast  regular,  she'd 
never  watch  for  no  ship,  an'  if  a  ship  heaved 
up  anywhere  near,  she'd  heave  down  so 
quick  that  if  any  one  on  the  ship  had  seen 
her  they'd  think  they  imagined  her  afore 
they'd  get  ready  to  go  to  her  rescue. 
Elijah  shook  his  head  then,  an'  trailed  off 
to  Polly  Allen ;  he  said  there  must  be  thirty- 
five  years  between  Polly  an'  the  deacon, 
an'  could  n't  suthin'  be  hinted  at  about 
them.  That  set  me  to  wonderin',  an'  it's 
really  very  strange  when  you  come  to 
think  of  it,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  how  contented 
Polly  is.  I  don't  believe  they've  ever  had 
a  word.  He  does  the  cookin'  an'  washin' 
the  same  as  he  always  did,  an'  lets  her  do 
anythin'  else  she  pleases,  an'  they  say  she's 
always  very  obligin'  about  doin'  it. 

"  So  then  Elijah  crossed  his  legs  the  other 
way,  an'  asked  if  there  wasn't  anythin' 
bigger  as  could  be  looked  into,  but  every 
one  knows  Hiram  is  the  biggest  man  any- 
where around  here,  so  that  was  no  use. 
He  asked  then  if  we  didn't  have  a  poor- 
216 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

house  or  a  insane  asylum  or  a  slaughter- 
house or  suthin'  as  he  could  show  up  in 
red  ink.  He  said  somebody  must  be  doin' 
suthin'  as  they  had  n't  ought  to  be  doin' 
somewhere,  an'  it  was  both  his  virtue  an' 
his  business  to  print  all  about  it.  He  says 
exposin'  is  the  very  life  o'  the  newspaper 
business,  an'  you  can't  be  nothin'  nowa- 
days without  you  expose.  He  seemed  to 
feel  very  much  put  out  about  us  not  bein' 
able  to  be  exposed,  an'  I  couldn't  help 
a  kind  o'  hurt  feelin'  as  it  was  really  so. 

"But  what  can  I  do,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  I 
didn't  know  of  nothin'?  We  ain't  got  no 
place  to  do  anythin'  except  in  the  square 
an'  nobody  never  does  nothin'  without 
everybody  knows  that  day  or  the  next 
mornin'  at  the  latest.  I  don't  believe  as 
anybody  could  have  a  secret  with  anybody 
in  this  town  'cause  you'd  know  very  well 
as  if  you  didn't  get  'round  pretty  quick 
an'  tell  it  first  the  other  one  would  be 
gettin'  ahead  o'  you  an'  tellin'  it  before 
you.  Of  course  I  could  see  Elijah's  drift 
217 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

all  right.  Them  city  papers  has  turned 
his  head  completely  just  as  they  do  every- 
body else's  when  they  first  get  a  new  idea. 
Elijah  wants  us  to  be  eatin'  bluing  for  blue- 
berries an'  cats  for  calves  jus'  so  he  can  be 
the  first  to  tell  us  about  it,  but  there  ain't 
a  cat  in  town  as  ain't  too  well  known  for 
anybody  to  eat  without  knowin'  it,  an'  as 
for  bluing,  if  anybody  can  feed  it  to  me 
for  blueberries  it's  me  as  is  the  fool  an' 
them  as  is  n't,  an'  that's  my  views. 

"I'll  tell  you  what  it  is,  Mrs.  Lathrop.  I 
ain't  got  no  great  sympathy  with  this  new 
idea  o'  keepin'  us  all  stirred  up  over  how 
awful  things  is.  I  won  t  say  as  I  approved 
when  that  man  in  Chicago  made  sausage 
out  o'  his  wife  'cause  he  was  tired  o'  her, 
but  I  will  say  as  if  Lucy  see  her  chance  at 
Hiram  that  way  I  ain't  sure  as  she  could 
restrain  herself.  Hiram 's  perfectly  healthy 
an'  could  be  depended  upon  not  to  disagree 
with  no  one  in  sausage  to  any  thin'  like  the 
extent  Lucy  disagrees  with  him,  an'  Gran 'ma 
Mullins  is  so  tired  of  hearin'  'em  quarrel 
218 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

that  I  ain't  prepared  to  say  as  she'd  rebel 
at  any  thin'  as  sent  Lucy  back  to  her 
father. 

"  Elijah  went  on  to  tell  me  a  lot  about 
insurance  an'  railroads,  but  all  about  in- 
surance an'  railroads  is  'way  beyond  my 
interest  an'  'way  beyond  the  understandin' 
of  every  one  else  here,  an'  nobody's  goin' 
to  remember  a  thing  about  any  of  it  a  year 
from  now  anyhow.  That's  the  trouble 
with  this  country,  —  they  don't  remember 
ncthin',  —  everybody  forgets  every  thin'  be- 
fore the  month  is  out.  Most  of  the  people 
never  thinks  o'  San  Francisco  now,  an'  as 
for  that  fire  they  had  in  Baltimore,  it's  as 
dead  as  Moses. 

"That's  the  advantage  the  rest  of  the 
country  has  over  us  when  it  comes  to 
exposin'.  They  can  expose  an'  expose, 
an'  all  the  folks  who  read  about  it  forget 
an'  forget,  but  here  in  this  community  it's 
different  an'  you  can't  count  on  our  for- 
gettin'  things  a  tall,  an'  if  Elijah  was 
turned  loose  I  '11  venture  to  say  every  last 
219 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

one  o'  them  papers  would  be  saved  until 
doomsday.  I  know  that  an'  knowin'  that 
I  very  carefully  restrain  him.  There's  a 
many  as  knows  as  Mr.  Kimball's  dried  apples 
is  often  very  under  rate,  an'  a  many  others 
as  knows  whose  dead  cat  that  was  as  Mrs. 
Sweet  had  to  bury  after  vowin'  she  would  n't 
till  she  smelt  as  she  'd  got  to.  Every  last 
one  of  us  knows  what  Dr.  Brown  gets  at 
the  drug  store  when  he  asks  for  what  he 
usually  gets  an'  there's  a  good  many  as 
thinks  as  Mrs.  Macy  goes  to  Meadville 
more  on  a 'count  o'  Dr.  Carter  than  to  see 
her  cousin,  Mrs.  Lupey.  But  I  was  n't 
goin'  to  set  Elijah  swimmin'  in  any  such 
deep  water.  Elijah  is  a  young  man  an' 
the  age  to  go  wrong  easy,  an'  when  that 
age  see  how  easy  it  is  to  go  wrong  they're 
nothin'  but  foolish  if  they  waste  another 
second  goin'  right,  so  if  Elijah  wants  to  go 
to  exposin'  he'll  have  to  get  his  stuff  from 
some  one  else  beside  me." 

"  You  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"No,  I  don't  say  that,"  said  Miss  Clegg, 
220 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

"I'm  only  human  after  all  an'  I  can't  in 
conscience  deny  as  I  should  like  to  see 
them  as  I  don't  like  showed  up  just  as 
much  as  any  other  man  as  is  makin'  a 
business  of  showin'  up  his  neighbors,  likes 
it.  But  I  know  I've  got  to  live  here  an' 
it'd  be  very  poor  livin'  for  me  after  I'd 
aired  myself  by  way  of  Elijah.  There's  a 
great  difference  between  knowin'  things 
all  by  yourself  an'  readin'  'em  in  the  paper, 
an'  I  know  as  that  dead  cat  would  cause  a 
great  deal  o'  hard  feelin'  in  print,  while 
buried  by  Mrs.  Sweet  it  only  helps  her 
garden  grow.  So  I  shall  keep  on  talkin' 
as  usual,  but  I  shall  hold  Elijah  out  o' 
print  an'  so  keep  the  country  safe." 

"I  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Oh,  the  paper  11  do  just  as  well,"  said 
Susan;  "he's  goin'  to  print  one  sheet  as 
comes  all  printed  from  the  city  every  week 
an'  he  says  that  '11  put  new  zest  in  the  thing. 
It'll  be  a  great  deal  better  to  get  the  zest 
that  way  than  to  get  it  exposin'.  Zest  is 
suthin'  as  is  always  safest  a  good  ways  off. 
221 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

Elijah  saw  that,  too,  afore  he  got  done 
last  night,  for  in  his  hit  chin'  about  he 
hitched  over  the  edge  o'  the  piazza,  in  the 
end." 

"  Did  —  "  cried  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Well,  no,"  said  Miss  Clegg.  "But  he 
tore  a  lot  of  things  an'  smashed  a  rose 
bush,  but  I  didn't  care  about  that.  I 
just  told  him  to  leave  'em  on  a  chair  this 
mornin'  an'  I'd  sew  'em  all  up  again, 
an'  I  done  it,  an'  as  to  the  rose  bush,  I'll 
have  him  get  another  an'  give  it  to  me  for 
a  present  the  next  time  I  go  to  the  city  to 
pick  it  out  myself." 


222 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 


CHAPTER  XV 

THE    TRIAL    OF    A    SICK    MAN    IN    THE    HOUSE 

WELL,    where  —  "    began   Mrs.    La- 
throp  in  a  tone  of  real  pleasure  at 
seeing  Miss  Clegg  come  into  her  kitchen 
one  afternoon  a  few  days  after. 

Miss  Clegg  dropped  into  a  chair. 

"Well,  I  have  got  trouble  now!"  she 
announced  abruptly,  "Elijah's  sick!" 

"  Eli  —  "  cried  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  —  Jah,"  finished  Susan.  "Yes,  Mrs. 
Lathrop,  Elijah's  sick!  He  was  sick  all 
night  an'  all  this  mornin',  an'  I  may  in  confi- 
dence remark  as  I  hope  this '11  be  a  lesson 
to  him  to  never  do  it  again,  for  I've  got 
a  feelin'  in  my  legs  as  '11  bear  me  out  in 
lettin'  him  or  any  one  else  die  afore  I'll 
ever  work  again  like  I've  worked  to-day 
an'  last  night." 

223 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

"Why,  what  — " 

"  Did  n't  you  see  young  Dr.  Brown?" 

"No,  I--" 

"Yes,  I  supposed  so,"  said  Susan,  re- 
signedly; "  I  know  your  ways,  Mrs.  Lathrop, 
an'  I  never  look  for  any  other  ways  in  you. 
It 's  good  as  I  don't,  for  if  I  did  I  'd  be  blind 
from  lookin'  an'  not  seein'.  I  know  you, 
Mrs.  Lathrop,  an'  I  know  your  ways,  an' 
I  realize  to  the  full  how  different  they  are 
from  me  an'  my  ways,  but  a  friend  is  a 
friend  an'  what  can't  be  endured  has  got 
to  be  cured,  so  I  come  to  tell  you  about 
Elijah  just  the  same  as  I  do  any  thin'  else 
as  is  easy  heard." 

"  Is  — "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  No,  he  is  n't.  That  is,  he  was  n't  when 
I  come  out,  but  he  had  his  pen  an'  said  he 
was  goin'  to  write  a  editorial  sittin'  up  in 
bed.  He  can't  get  out  of  bed  on  a 'count 
of  the  sheet,  but  'Liza  Em'ly's  there  if  he 
wants  any  thin'  so  it  don't  matter  if  I  do 
leave  for  a  little  while.  She  come  an' 
offered  an'  I  don't  see  why  she  should  n't 
224 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

have  a  chance  to  get  married  the  same  as 
any  other  girl,  so  I  set  her  in  the  next  room 
an'  told  her  not  to  go  near  him  on  no 
a 'count,  an'  naturally  there  ain't  no  thin' 
as  11  make  'em  wilder  to  talk  than  for 
Elijah  to  feel  he'd  ought  to  be  workin'  on 
his  editorial  an'  for  'Liza  Em'ly  to  feel  as 
he  had  n't  ought  to  be  spoke  to.  I  don't 
say  as  I  consider  Elijah  any  great  catch, 
but  if  'Liza  Em'ly  can  find  any  joy  jumpin' 
at  him  with  her  mouth  open  I  ain't  one  to 
deprive  her  of  the  hop.  Elijah's  a  very 
fair  young  man  as  young  men  go,  an'  I 
think  any  girl  as  is  willin'  to  do  her  nine- 
tenths  can  have  a  time  try  in'  to  be  happy 
with  him.  If  she  ain't  happy  long  it  won't 
be  Elijah's  fault  for  he's  just  as  sure  his 
wife  11  be  happy  as  any  other  man  is." 

"  But  about  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Yes,  that's  what  I  come  to  tell  you. 
He  woke  me  last  night,  tappin'  on  my 
door,  an'  hollered  as  he  had  the  appendi- 
citis on  both  sides  at  once." 

" On  both—  " 

225 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

"That's  what  he  said.  Well,  as  soon 
as  I  got  awake  enough  to  know  as  I  was  n  't 
asleep,  I  knowed  he  was  wrong  somehow 
an'  I  sat  up  in  bed  an'  hollered  back  to 
him  to  take  ten  sips  o'  water,  hole1,  his 
breath  while  he  counted  fifteen,  an'  go 
back  to  bed.  I  was  n't  calculatin'  to  get 
up  with  no  two-sided  appendicitis  in  the 
middle  o'  no  night  if  I  could  help  it,  an'  I 
knowed  anyhow  as  it'  was  only  some  of 
them  dried  apples  o'  Mr.  Kimball's  as  was 
maybe  lodged  here  an'  there  in  him  an' 
no  harm  done  if  he'd  only  let  me  sleep. 

"  But,  no  sir,  Elijah  had  no  idea  o' 
lettin'  me  sleep  while  he  set  up  alone  with 
his  own  two  sides.  There's  suthin'  about 
a  man,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  as '11  never  let  him 
suffer  in  silence  if  there's  any  woman  to 
be  woke  up.  A  man  can't  be  a  hero  unless 
a  woman  stands  by  barefooted  with  a 
candle,  an'  he  feels  a  good  deal  easier 
groanin'  if  he  can  hear  her  sneezin'  between 
times.  So  back  come  Elijah  right  off  to 
say  as  I  must  be  up  an'  doin'  or  he'd  be 
226 


A  MAN   IN  THE   HOUSE 

dead  afore  dawn.  I  was  so  sound  asleep 
I  told  him  to  set  a  mouse  trap  two  times 
afore  my  senses  come  to  me  an'  then  when 
they  did  I  was  mad.  I  tell  you  I  was  good 
an'  mad  too.  I  put  on  my  slippers  an' 
father's  duster  as  I  always  keep  hangin' 
to  my  bedpost  to  slip  on  or  dust  with  just 
as  I  feel  to  need  it  on  or  dustin',  an'  I  went 
to  Elijah.  He  was  back  layin'  in  bed  done 
up  in  a  sort  o'  ring  o'  rosy,  groanin'  an' 
takin'  on  an'  openin'  an'  shuttin'  his  eyes 
like  he  thought  he  could  make  me  feel 
pleased  at  bein'  woke  up.  But  I  was  n't 
goin'  to  feel  pleased.  I  tell  you,  Mrs.  La- 
throp,  a  stitch  in  time  saves  nine,  an'  I 
had  n't  no  idea  of  encouragin'  Elijah  to 
wake  me  like  that,  not  while  there 's  maybe 
a  chance  of  me  havin'  him  to  board  more  'n 
the  three  months  I  promised.  I  saw  as  I 
was  gettin'  into  the  duster  as  all  my  com- 
fort depended  on  how  I  acted  right  then  an' 
there  an'  I  was  decided  to  be  firm.  I  stood 
by  the  bed  an'  looked  at  him  hard  an'  then  I 
says  to  him,  1  says,  'Well,  what  did  you 
227 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

wake  me  up  for  ? '  '  No  one  ever  felt  no  thin ' 
like  this, '  he  says ;  '  I ' ve  got  two  appendixes 
an'  I  can  feel  another  comin'  in  my  back.' 
'Elijah,'  I  said,  'don't  talk  nonsense. 
You've  been  an'  woke  me  up  an'  now  I'm 
woke  up  what  do  you  want  me  to  do  ? '  I 
leaned  over  him  as  I  said  it  an'  let  a  little 
hot  candle  grease  drip  on  his  neck  an'  he 
give  a  yowl  an'  straightened  out  an'  then 
give  another  yowl  an'  shut  up  again.  '  I  '11 
make  you  some  ginger  tea,'  I  says,  'an'  put 
a  mustard  plaster  wherever  you  like  best,' 
I  says,  *  an'  then  I  shall  look  to  be  let  alone,' 
I  says,  an'  so  I  went  downstairs  an'  set  to 
work.  Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  I  made  that 
tea  an'  I  bet  I  made  it  strong;  I  put  some 
red  pepper  in  it,  too,  an'  poured  a  little 
mucilage  into  the  plaster,  for  I  may  in 
confidence  remark  as  I  did  n't  intend  as 
Elijah  should  ever  look  forward  to  wakin' 
me  up  in  the  night  again.  Then  I  went 
upstairs  an'  he  sit  up  an'  took  the  whole 
of  the  cup  at  one  gulp!  You  never  see  no 
one  so  satisfied  with  nothin'  in  all  your  life! 
228 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

He  fell  back  like  he  was  shot  an'  said, 
'Scott,  Scott,  Scott,'  until  really  I  thought 
as  he  was  ravin'.  Then  I  said,  'Where  do 
you  want  the  plaster,  Elijah?'  an'  he  said, 
'On  my  throat,  I  guess.'  I  says,  'No, 
Elijah,  you've  waked  me  up  an'  wakin' 
me  up  is  nothin'  to  joke  over.  You  put 
this  plaster  on  an'  go  to  sleep  an'  don't 
wake  me  up  again  unless  you  feel  for  more 
tea.'  I  spoke  kind,  but  he  could  see  as  I 
felt  firm  an'  I  set  the  candle  down  an' 
went  back  to  bed. 

"  Well,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  what  do  you  think, 
-what  do  you  think?  Seems  as  Elijah 
was  so  afraid  o'  burnin'  himself  in  another 
place  that  he  went  an'  put  the  sheet  between 
him  an'  the  plaster  an'  glued  himself  all 
together.  This  mornin'  when  he  awoke  up 
there  he  was  with  the  sheet  stuck  firm  to 
him  an'  I  must  say  I  was  very  far  from 
pleased  when  he  hollered  to  me  an'  I  went 
in  an'  found  him  lookin'  more  like  a  kite 
than  any  thin'  else  an'  not  able  to  dress 
'cause  he  could  n't  take  off  his  sheet.  '  Well, 
229 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

Elijah,  you  have  done  it  now,  I  guess,'  I 
says;  'I  never  see  nothin'  the  beat  o'  this. 
If  I  have  to  send  for  young  Dr.  Brown  to 
take  that  sheet  off  you,  you'll  be  in  the 
papers  from  the  earthquake  to  Russia  an' 
back  again.'  Well,  that  was  all  there  was 
to  do  an'  when  'Liza  Em'ly  come  with  the 
milk  I  had  to  ask  her  to  go  up  to  young  Dr. 
Brown's  an'  ask  him  to  kindly  come  as 
soon  as  he  could  an'  amputate  Elijah  out 
o'  bed.  He  come  right  after  breakfast  an' 
he  had  a  time,  I  tell  you!  We  worked  with 
water  an'  we  worked  with  hot  water,  we 
tried  loosenin'  the  edges  by  jerkin'  quick 
when  Elijah  was  n't  expectin',  but  it  was 
all  no  use.  Dr.  Brown  said  he  never  see 
such  a  plaster,  he  said  it'd  be  a  fortune 
for  mendin'  china.  Then  we  got  the  dish- 
pan  an'  tried  layin'  Elijah  face  down  across 
it  an'  pilin'  books  on  his  back  to  keep  the 
right  place  in  front  soakin',  but  even  that 
did  n't  help.  Dr.  Brown  said  in  the  end 
as  he  thought  the  only  way  maybe  would 
be  to  do  all  the  corners  of  the  sheet  up  in 
230 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

a  paper  an'  let  Elijah  carry  it  hugged  tight 
to  him  an'  wear  father's  duster  down  to 
the  crick  an'  sit  in  it  till  he  just  slowly 
come  loose.  But  Elijah  did  n't  want  to  go 
bathin'  in  a  duster  an'  I  had  a  feelin'  my- 
self as  if  Meadville  heard  of  it  we'd  surely 
be  very  much  talked  about,  so  finally  Dr. 
Brown  said  he  thought  as  he'd  go  home 
an'  study  up  the  case,  an'  I  let  him  go  for 
I  had  my  own  ideas  as  to  how  much  he 
knew  about  what  was  makin'  the  trouble. 
So  he  went  an'  then  I  got  dinner  an'  took 
some  up  to  Elijah  an'  told  him  jus'  what  I 
thought  of  the  whole  performance.  I  talked 
kind  but  I  talked  firm  an'  I  done  a  lot  of 
good,  for  he  said  he  did  n't  know  but  it 
would  be  better  if  he  arranged  to  live  with 
the  Whites  after  the  Fourth  of  July  'cause 
he  had  a  feelin'  as  maybe  he  was  a  good 
deal  of  trouble  to  me.  I  told  him  I  had  n't 
a  mite  of  doubt  as  he  was  a  good  deal  of 
trouble  to  me  an'  then  Mrs.  Macy  come. 
I  had  to  stop  talkin'  to  him  an'  go  down 
an'  tell  her  what  was  the  matter.  She  said 
231 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

right  off  as  her  idea  would  be  to  shut  the 
windows,  build  a  big  fire  an'  make  Elijah 
jus'  work  himself  loose  from  the  inside 
out.  I  told  her  about  the  mucilage  though 
an'  then  she  changed  her  views  an'  said  I  'd 
best  fold  the  sheet  neatly  an'  let  him  wear 
it  till  he  wore  it  off  next  time  he  growed  a 
new  skin.  Mrs.  Macy  says  she's  been  told 
we  keep  sheddin'  our  skins  the  same  as 
snakes  an'  that  that's  really  what  makes 
our  clothes  need  washin'  so  often.  She 
said  the  moral  was  plain  as  by  the  time 
the  sheet 'd  need  washin'  Elijah  would  shed 
it  anyhow.  I  see  the  p'int  o'  what  she  said 
an'  I  felt  to  agree,  but  while  we  was  talkin' 
Mrs.  Sweet  come  in  an'  her  view  was  all 
different.  She  said  as  Elijah  would  find 
that  sheet  a  most  awful  drag  on  him  an' 
to  her  order  o'  thinkin'  he'd  ought  to  go 
down  to  where  Mr.  Kimball  makes  his 
dried  apples  an'  steam  loose  in  the  vat. 
She  says  he  can  steam  out  very  fast  an'  Mr. 
Kimball  bein'  his  uncle  11  naturally  let  him 
sit  in  the  vat  for  nothin'." 
232 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

"What  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Well,  I  don't  know,"  said  Susan;  "  Lucy 
come  in  while  we  was  sittin'  there  an'  she 
said  her  view'd  be  for  me  just  to  take  a 
firm  hold  of  the  sheet  an'  walk  straight  out 
of  the  room  without  a  so  much  as  '  by  your 
leave'  to  Elijah,  but  I  'd  be  afraid  of  tearin' 
the  sheet  if  I  did  that  way.  An'  then 
Gran 'ma  Mullins  came  an'  her  view  was 
as  I  'd  best  sit  an'  sop  Elijah  with  a  sponge, 
which  just  shows  why  Hiram  is  so  tore  in 
two  between  such  a  mother  an'  such  a 
wife's  views." 

"  What  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop  again. 

"  Well,  Elijah  was  writin'  a  editorial  when 
I  left  an'  'Liza  Em'ly  was  lookin'  at  him  an' 
sighin'  to  talk  an'  I  come  over  to  tell  you 
all  about  it." 

Just  here  a  piercing  scream  was  heard 
from  across  the  way. 

"  My  -    "  ejaculated  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

Susan  sprang  to  her  feet  and  ran  to  the 
door;  as  she  opened  it  Eliza  Emily  was 
seen  flying  down  the  Clegg  steps. 
233 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

"What  is  it?"  screamed  Miss  Clegg  from 

Mrs.  Lathrop's  steps. 

"  Elijah  dropped  his  pen,"  screamed  Eliza 

Emily  in  reply,  "an"  when  he  reached  for 

it  he  fell  out  o'  bed  an'  tore  loose." 
"Did  he  tear  the  sheet  any?" 
" No,  but  he  thinks  he's  tore  himself." 
Miss  Clegg  began  to  walk  rapidly  towards 

her  own  house. 

"You  can  see  I've  got  to  go,"  she  called 

back  to  her  friend  over  her  shoulder;  "this 

is  what  it  is  to  have  a  man  livin'  in  your 

house,  Mrs.  Lathrop." 


234 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 


CHAPTER  XVI 

THE    BEGINNING    OF    THE    END 

AS  June  wore  on  it  became  more  and 
more  apparent  that  Elijah  wore  on 
Miss  Clegg.  She  grew  less  and  less  mild 
towards  his  shortcomings  and  more  and 
more  severe  as  to  the  same. 

"He's  only  —  "  Mrs.  Lathrop  attempted 
to  explain  to  her. 

"I  don't  care  if  he  is,"  she  replied,  "it 
says  in  the  Bible  as  a  man  is  a  man  for  all 
that  an'  I  never  was  one  to  go  against  the 
Bible  even  if  I  ain't  never  felt  in  conscience 
called  to  say  where  Cain  an'  Abel  got 
married,  or  what  it  was  as  the  Jews  lit  out 
from  Egypt  on  a 'count  of.  I  tell  you  what 
it  is,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  you've  forgotten  what 
it  is  to  have  a  man  around  your  house. 
There's  somethin'  just  about  the  way  a 
235 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

man  eats  an'  sleeps  as  gets  very  aggravatin' 
to  any  woman  after  the  new's  off.  I 
begin  to  see  what  men  invented  gettin' 
married  for, —  it  was  so  they  could  kite 
around  an'  always  be  sure  they  had  one 
woman  safe  chained  up  at  home  to  do  their 
cookin'  an'  washin'.  Why,  I  ain't  married 
to  Elijah  a  tall,  an'  yet  just  havin'  him  in 
the  house  is  gettin'  me  more  an'  more 
under  his  thumb  every  day  that  he  stays 
with  me.  I  feel  to  stay  in  the  square  an' 
I  find  myself  hurryin'  home  'cause  he  likes 
hot  biscuits,  an'  I  feel  to  turn  his  wash- 
stand  around  an'  I  leave  it  where  it  is  for 
no  better  reason  than  as  he  likes  it  where 
it  is.  It's  awful  the  way  a  man  gets  the 
upper  hand  of  a  woman!  Lord  knows  I  've 
no  love  for  Elijah  an'  yet  I'm  caperin' 
upstairs  an'  downstairs  when  he  ain't  in 
a  hurry  an'  tearin'  my  legs  off  scamperin' 
when  he  is,  until  I  declare  I  feel  mad  at 
myself  —  I  certainly  do. 

"An'  now,  there  he  is  fallin'  in  love  with 
'Liza  Em'ly,  the  last  girl  in  the  world  as 
236 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

he'd  ought  to  even  dream  of  marry  in',  an' 
I  talk  to  him  an'  talk  to  him,  an'  tell  him 
so,  an'  tell  him  so,  an'  it  don't  make  no 
more  impression  than  when  you  rub  a 
cat  behind  her  ear." 

"  Why,  a  cat  -    "  protested  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Yes,  an'  so  does  Elijah.  It  just  tickles 
him  half  to  death  to  hear  'Liza  Em'ly's 
mere  name,  an'  he  don't  care  what  any  one 
says  about  her  just  so  long  as  it's  about 
her. 

"I  see  the  minister  down  in  the  square 
to-day  an'  I  told  him  my  opinion  of  it  all 
right  to  his  face.  But  the  minister  did  n't 
have  no  heart  for  'Liza  Em'ly  —  he's  too 
used  up  discussin'  what  under  the  sun  is  to 
be  done  with  Henry  Ward  Beecher.  He 
says  it's  suthin'  just  awful  about  Henry 
Ward  Beecher 's  feelin'  for  Emma  Sweet, 
an'  he  told  me  frank  an'  open  as  personally 
it's  been  so  terrible  easy  for  him  to  get 
himself  married  an'  get  consequences  that 
he  can't  find  no  thin'  to  point  his  index 
finger  into  Henry  Ward  Beecher  with 
237 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

about  this  unrequited  affection  of  his  for 
Emma.  He  says  as  he  never  knowed  as  a 
man  could  have  unrequited  affection  afore 
an'  he  really  seems  to  feel  more'n  a  little 
hurt  over  it.  He  says  he  can't  well  see 
how  to  restrain  Henry  Ward  Beecher  an' 
it's  town  talk  as  Henry  Ward  Beecher  is 
far  past  restrainin'  himself.  I  see  Polly 
White  afterward  an'  she  says  it's  gospel 
truth  as  he's  took  indelible  ink  an'  tat  toed 
Emma  all  over  himself,  even  places  where 
he  had  to  do  it  by  guess  or  a  mirror." 

"My  heavens!"  ejaculated  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Well,  I  should  say  so,"  said  Susan, 
"an'  will  you  only  consid  ,r,  Mrs.  Lathrop, 
what  Emma  Sweet  is  to  be  tattoed  all  over 
any  man  like  that!  I  like  all  the  Sweets 
an'  I  like  Emma,  but  it's  only  in  reason  as 
I  should  regard  her  with  a  impartial  eye, 
an'  no  impartial  eye  lookin'  her  way  could 
ever  in  reason  deny  as  she  don't  appear 
likely  to  set  no  rivers  afire.  Emma's  a 
nice  girl,  an'  if  her  toes  turned  out  an'  her 
teeth  turned  in  I  don't  say  but  what  she 
238 


A  MAN   IN  THE  HOUSE 

might  go  along  without  bein'  noticed  in  a 
crowd,  but  with  them  teeth  an'  toes  all  you 
can  call  her  is  good-hearted  an'  you  know 
as  well  as  I  do  as  bein'  called  good-hearted 
is  about  the  meanest  thing  as  anybody 
can  ever  call  anybody  else.  Folks  in  this 
world  never  call  any  one  good-hearted  un- 
less they  can't  find  nothin'  else  good  to  say 
of  'em,  for  it  stands  to  reason  as  any  sensi- 
ble person 'd  rather  have  any  thin'  else  about 
'em  good  before  their  heart,  for  it's  way 
inside  an'  largely  guesswork  what  it  is 
anyhow. 

"They  say  as  Mrs.  Sweet  says  as  even 
though  Emma's  her  own  child,  still  she  can't 
see  no  reason  for  Henry  Ward  Beecher's 
March-haredness.  She  says  Emma's  best 
p'ints  is  her  gettin'  up  early  an'  the  way 
she  puts  her  whole  soul  into  washin'  an' 
bread-kneadin',  but  she  says  Henry  Ward 
Beecher  ain't  sensible  enough  to  appreciate 
good  p'ints  like  those.  She  says  she's 
talked  to  Emma  an'  any  one  with  half  a 
eye  can  see  as  it  ain't  Emma  as  needs  the 
239 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

talkin'  to.  She  says  Emma  says  as  the 
way  he  hangs  onto  her  goin'  home  from 
choir  practice  is  enough  to  pull  her  patience 
all  out  of  proportion.  She  says  Emma 
says  she'd  as  soon  have  a  garter-snake 
seein'  her  home,  an'  doin'  itself  up  in  rings 
around  her  all  the  while,  an'  Mrs.  Sweet 
says  any  one  as  has  ever  seen  Emma  seein' 
a  garter-snake  would  consider  Henry  Ward 
Beecher's  chances  as  very  slim  after  a 
remark  like  that. 

"  Mr.  Kimball  says  he  wishes  he  had  n't 
took  him  into  his  store  just  now;  he  says 
no  young  man  ain't  got  a  call  to  the  grocery- 
trade  when  he's  in  a  state  of  heart  as  won't 
let  him  hear  the  call  o'  the  man  as  owns 
the  business,  an'  Mr.  Kimball  says  when 
he  fell  into  the  vat  where  he  was  stirrin' 
up  his  dried  apples,  Henry  Ward  Beecher 
never  heard  one  single  holler  as  he  gave  — 
not  one  single  solitary  holler  did  that  boy 
hear,  an'  Mr.  Kimball  'most  had  a  real 
city  Turkish  bath  as  a  result.  Why,  he 
told  me  as  he  was  in  the  vat  for  nigh  on  to 
240 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

a  hour  afore  Elijah  heard  him  from  the 
other  side,  an'  he  says  as  a  consequence  he 
ain't  very  much  took  with  havin'  a  clerk 
as  is  in  love.  He  says  too  as  only  to  see 
Henry  Ward  Beecher  tryin'  to  pour  through 
a  funnel  when  any  member  o'  the  Sweet 
family  is  walkin'  by  on  the  other  side  of 
the  square  is  enough  to  make  him  as  owns 
what's  bein'  spilt  wish  as  Henry  Ward 
Beecher 's  father  had  gone  unrequited  too. 
Mrs.  Macy  come  in  while  we  was  talkin' 
an'  she  said  it  was  too  bad  as  Emma  was  n't 
smarter,  'cause  if  Emma  was  smarter  Henry 
Ward  Beecher 'd  jus'  suit  her.  Mrs.  Macy 
says  the  trouble  is  as  Emma's  too  smart 
to  be  willin'  to  marry  a  fool  an'  not  quite 
smart  enough  to  be  willin'  to.  Mrs.  Macy 
says  as  Mr.  Fisher  was  just  such  another 
an'  Mrs.  Fisher  jumped  for  him  like  a  duck 
at  a  bug." 

"Did — '  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop,  inter- 
estedly. 

"  No,"  said  Susan,  "but  Gran 'ma  Mullins 
did.  Gran 'ma  Mullins  is  always  no  thin' 
241 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

but  glad  to  have  a  chance  to  shake  her 
head  an'  wipe  her  eyes  over  any  one's  love- 
makin'.  She  come  in  to  wait  a  little  'cause 
Lucy  wanted  to  dust  an'  she  says  she  ain't 
got  no  strength  to  stay  in  the  house  while 
Lucy  dusts;  she  says  it  lays  Hiram  out  on 
the  sofa  every  time  regular  an'  sometimes 
it  gives  him  the  toothache.  She  says  she 
an'  Hiram  never  know  when  they  're  dirty 
a'cordin'  to  Lucy's  way  o'  thinkin'  but, 
Heaven  help  'em,  they  always  know  when 
they're  clean  a'cordin'  to  Lucy's  idea  of 
bein'  clean.  She  says  Lucy  is  that  kind 
as  takes  one  of  her  hairpins  an'  goes  down 
on  her  knees  an'  scratches  out  the  last  bit 
of  dirt  as  the  Lord  hath  mercifully  seen 
fit  to  allow  to  settle  in  His  cracks.  You 
can  see  as  Gran 'ma  Mullins  has  suffered! 
She  says  it's  a  hard  thing  to  bear,  but 
Hiram  grins  an'  she  bears  an'  their  pride 
helps  'em  out. 

"  While  we  was  talkin'  Emma  come  by  for 
the  mail  an'  we  see  Henry  Ward  Beecher's 
face  just  hoverin'  madly  over  the  breakfast- 
242 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

food  display  in  Mr.  Kimball's  window.  Mr. 
Jilkins  was  in  town  buy  in'  a  rake  an'  he 
waited  to  see  what  would  happen.  Judge 
Fitch  was  there  too  an'  Polly  White.  We 
all  had  our  eyes  fixed  on  Henry  Ward 
Beecher  an'  I  will  say,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  as  I 
never  got  so  tired  waitin'  for  no  thin'." 

"What  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Love  affairs  is  terrible  tame  to  lookers- 
on,  I  think.  If  they  get  over  it  your  time 's 
wasted  an'  if  they  don't  get  over  it  the 
time 's  wasted  all  around.  My  own  opinion  is 
as  all  love  affairs  is  a  very  foolish  kind  o' 
business,  for  you  never  find  real  sensible 
folks  havin'  any  thin'  to  do  with  'em.  But 
it  was  no  use  talkin'  that  to-day,  so  Henry 
Ward  Beecher  hung  up  there  on  the  break- 
fast foods,  an'  we  sat  an'  watched  him 
like  combination  cats  till  long  about  five 
Johnny  come  by  an'  said  as  Mr.  Sperrit 
had  took  Emma  home  with  them  to  tea." 

"  Oh  —  "  cried  Mrs.  Lathrop,  impulsively. 

"I  don't  know  why  not,"  said  Susan, 
"  my  own  opinion  is  as  he 's  a  idiot  —  " 
243 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

"Mr,  Sper- 

"  No,  Henry  Ward  Beecher.  It's  always 
struck  me  as  a  very  strange  thing  as  we 
had  n't  got  one  single  idiot  in  this  com- 
munity an'  I  guess  the  real  truth  is  as 
we've  had  one  all  the  time  an'  didn't 
know  him  by  sight.  There's  a  idiot  most 
everywhere  till  he  gets  the  idea  into  his 
head  to  kill  some  one  an'  so  gives  others  the 
idea  as  he's  safer  shut  up,  an'  so  it  ain't 
surprisin'  our  havin'  one  too.  I  see  Mrs. 
Brown'  on  my  way  home  an'  I  asked  her 
if  she  did  n't  think  as  I  was  right.  She 
said  she  would  n't  be  surprised  if  it  was 
true,  an'  it  was  very  odd  as  she'd  never 
thought  o'  it  before,  recollectin'  her  ex- 
perience with  him  years  ago  when  she  had 
him  that  time  as  the  minister  went  to 
the  Sperrits'  on  his  vacation.  She  went 
on  to  say  then  as  to  her  order  o'  thinkin' 
Mr.  an'  Mrs.  Sperrit  come  pretty  close  to 
bein'  idiots  themselves,  for  she  says  she 
don't  know  she's  sure  what  ails  'em  but 
they've  been  married  years  now  an'  is 
244 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

still  goin'  round  as  beamin'  as  two  full 
moons.  She  says  it  ain't  any  thin'  to  talk 
of  in  public  but  actually  to  see  'em  drivin' 
back  from  market  sometimes  most  makes 
her  wish  as  she  was  n't  a  widow,  an'  she 
says  any  thin'  as'd  make  her  sorry  she's  a 
widow  had  n't  ought  to  be  goin'  round  loose 
in  a  Christian  town.  She  was  very  much 
in  earnest  an'  Mrs.  Fisher  overtook  us  just 
then  an'  she  said  it  all  over  again  to  her  an' 
she  said  more,  too  —  she  said  as  the  way 
she  looks  at  him  in  church  is  all  right  an' 
really  nothin'  but  a  joy  to  look  on  afore 
marriage,  but  she  don't  consider  it  hardly 

decent  afterwards  for  it's  deludin'  an'  can't 

• 

possibly  be  meant  in  earnest.  She  says 
she  was  married,  an'  her  son  is  married, 
an'  her  father  was  married,  too,  an'  you 
can't  tell  her  that  the  way  Mr.  an'  Mrs. 
Sperrit  go  on  is  n't  suthin'  pretty  close  to 
idiocy  even  if  it  ain't  the  whole  thing." 

"You  -    "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Mrs.  Fisher  said,"  continued  Susan, 
"as  she  thought  maybe  she  got  used  to 
245 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

lookin'  pleasant  at  him  in  all  them  years 
as  she  kept  house  for  him  afore  he  made 
up  his  mind  to  get  married  to  her,  an'  so 
the  habit  kind  of  is  on  her  an'  what's  dyed 
in  the  wool  keeps  on  stickin'  to  Mr.  Sperrit. 
She  said  as  they  do  say  as  he  married  her 
'cause  he  wanted  her  bedroom  to  hang  up 
corn  to  dry  in.  She  went  on  to  say  as  for 
her  part  she  always  enjoyed  seein'  the 
Sperrits  so  happy  for  it  done  any  one  good 
to  only  look  at  'em  an'  that  she'd  only  be 
too  happy  to  be  a  idiot  herself  if  it'd  do 
any  human  bein'  good  to  look  at  her  an' 
Mr.  Fisher  afterwards.  She  went  on  to 
say  as  she'd  heard  as  the  other  night  Mr. 
Sperrit  drove  two  miles  back  in  the  rain 
'cause  he'd  forgot  a  cake  o'  sapolio  as  she'd 
asked  him  to  bring.  I  spoke  up  at  that  an' 
I  said  I  didn't  see  nothin'  very  surprisin' 
in  that,  for  I  know  if  I  asked  any  man  as 
I  was  married  to  to  bring  home  a  cake  o' 
sapolio  I  should  most  surely  look  to  see 
the  cake  when  he  come  home." 
"  I  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 
246 


"I  know;  but  you  always  spoiled  him," 
said  Susan.  "Well,  what  was  I  say  in'? 
Oh,  yes,  Mrs.  Brown  said  as  Mrs.  Macy 
was  tellin'  her  the  other  day  as  they've 
got  a  idiot  in  Meadville  —  a  real  hereditary 
one;  the  doctors  have  all  studied  him 
an'  it's  a  clear  case  right  down  from  his 
great-grandfather. ' ' 

"  His  great —  "  cried  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Grandfather,"  said  Susan.  "Yes,  Mrs. 
Lathrop,  that  is  how  it  was,  an'  Mrs.  Macy 
says  it's  really  so,  for  she  see  the  tomb- 
stones all  but  the  mother's  —  hers  ain't 
done  yet.  Seems  the  idiocy  come  from 
the  great-grandfather's  stoppin'  on  the 
train  crossin'  to  pick  up  a  frog  'cause  he 
was  runnin'  for  suthin'  in  connection  with 
the  Society  for  the  Prevention  of  Cruelty 
to  Animals." 

"The  frog!"  cried  Mrs.  Lathrop. 
;"No,  the   great-grandfather.     Seems  he 
never  stopped  to  consider  as  what'd  kill  a 
frog  would  be  sure  to  hit  him,  an'  Mrs. 
Macy  says  the  doctors  said  as  that  was 
247 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

one  very  strong  piece  o'  evidence  against 
the  family  brains  right  at  the  start,  but 
she  says  he  really  was  smarter  than  they 
thought,  for  the  Society  for  the  Prevention 
of  Cruelty  to  Animals  paid  for  the  funeral 
an'  for  the  grandmother's,  too." 

"The  grand —  "  cried  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  —  Mother's, "  said  Susan.  "  Yes,  seems 
the  railway  track  was  their  back  fence  an' 
she'd  always  begged  an'  prayed  him  at 
the  top  o'  her  voice  not  to  go  to  town  that 
way,  but  he  would  n't  listen  'cause  he  was 
stone-deaf  an'  then  besides  like  all  that 
kind  he  always  pretended  not  to  hear  what 
he  did  n't  want  to.  But  anyhow  she  was 
in  the  garden  an'  she  see  the  train  an'  she 
tried  to  get  to  him,  an'  whether  she  broke 
a  blood  vessel  yellin'  or  contracted  heart 
disease  hoppin'  up  an'  down,  anyway  she 
fell  over  right  then  an'  there  an'  it  would 
have  been  copied  in  all  the  newspapers  all 
over  the  country  even  if  the  mother  —  ' 

"The  moth  —  "  cried  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Er,"  said  Susan.  "Yes,  seems  she 
248 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

heard  the  yell  an'  run  to  the  window  so 
quick  she  knocked  the  stick  out  as  held 
it  up  an'  it  come  down  on  her  head.  So, 
you  see  the  idiocy  come  right  straight  down 
in  the  family  of  the  idiot  for  three  genera- 
tions afore  him." 

"I  ain't  sure,"  said  Mrs.  Lathrop, 
thoughtfully. 

"I  ain't  either,"  said  Susan;  "Mrs.  Macy 
says,  she  was  n't  either.  No  one  in  Mead- 
ville  never  was." 

"An'  yet —  "  began  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Oh,  as  to  that,"  said  Susan,  "that's 
altogether  another  kind  o'  idiot.  Henry 
Ward  Beecher  won't  die  of  his  love  even  if 
Emma  won't  have  him,  an'  they'll  both 
always  be  the  better  an'  happier  for  not 
havin'  one  another,  if  they  only  knew  it. 
It's  mighty  easy  to  love  folks  an'  think 
how  happy  you'd  always  be  with  'em  as 
long  as  you  don't  marry  'em.  It 's  marryin' 
'em  an'  livin'  in  the  house  with  'em  as 
shows  you  how  hard  it  is  to  be  really  mar- 
ried. I  thank  Heaven  I'm  only  livin' 
249 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

in  the  house  with  Elijah  an'  not  married 
to  him,  so  I  can  see  my  way  ahead  to  gettin' 
rid  of  him  in  a  little  while  now.  You  don't 
know  how  I  ache  to  draw  the  curtains  of 
his  room  an'  pin  up  the  bed  an'  pour  the 
water  out  of  his  pitcher  an'  set  a  mouse 
trap  in  there  an'  just  know  it  is  n't  goin' 
to  be  mussed  up  again." 

Susan  sighed  deeply. 

"How  long  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"I  said  three  months,"  said  Miss  Clegg, 
"  an'  that  takes  it  over  the  Fourth  of  July. 
My  heavens  alive,  seems  some  days  as  if 
I  could  n't  but  just  live,  an'  the  meanest 
thing  about  a  man  is,  he's  so  dead  sure 
as  he  makes  you  happy,  bein'  around  the 
house." 


250 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 


CHAPTER  XVII 

AN   OLD-FASHIONED   FOURTH 

"TT7ELL,  Elijah  seems  to  have  hit  the 
*  »  nail  on  its  foot  instead  of  its  head 
this  time,"  said  Miss  Clegg  to  Mrs.  Lathrop 
on  the  noon  of  the  Sunday  before  the 
Fourth  of  July;  "that  editorial  of  his  in 
this  week's  paper  ain't  suitin'  any  one  a  tall. 
I  was  down  in  the  square  yesterday  an' 
everybody  as  was  there  was  talkin'  about 
it,  an'  to-day  after  church  everybody  was 
still  talkin'  about  it,  an'  gettin'  more  mad 
all  the  time." 

"What —  "  began  Mrs.  Lathrop. 
"The  one  about  the  celebration  as  he 
printed  in  this  week's  paper,"  replied  her 
friend;    "they  was  for  discussin'  nothin' 
else  after  church  to-day,  an'  one  an'  all  is 
dead  set  against  the  way  as  Elijah  says. 
251 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

Them  as  has  bought  their  fireworks  ain't 
pleased,  of  course,  an'  Mr.  Kimball  says 
as  he  considers  that  Elijah  had  ought  to 
of  consulted  him  afore  he  printed  such  a 
article  in  the  hind  part  of  a  uncle's  store 
that  had  just  laid  in  a  new  supply  of  two 
pounds  of  punk  alone.  Mr.  Kimball  says 
as  he  'd  planned  a  window  display  o'  cannon 
crackers  pointin'  all  ways  out  of  a  fort 
built  o'  his  new  dried  apples  an'  now  here's 
Elijah  comin'  out  in  Saturday's  paper  for 
an  old-fashioned  Fourth  o'  July  without 
no  firecrackers  a  tall.  Mr.  Kimball  says 
he  thinks  Elijah  ought  to  remember  whose 
nephew  he  is  an'  show  some  family  feelin'; 
he  says  punk  is  a  thing  as  can  never  be 
worked  off  in  no  bargain  lot  of  odds  an' 
ends,  an'  he  says  his  own  Fourth  o'  July  is 
spoiled  now  anyway  just  by  the  shock  of 
the  worry  'cause  he  can't  be  sure  how 
folks  is  goin'  to  be  affected  until  the  effect 
is  over,  an'  the  Fourth  o'  July '11  be  over 
mighty  quick  this  year.  'T  ain't  like  they 
had  most  a  week  to  calm  down  from  Elijah's 
252 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

new  idea  —  they  ain't  got  but  just  Monday 
to  decide  an'  buy  their  fireworks,  too. 

"Judge  Fitch  says  he  can't  quite  make 
out  what  Elijah  meant  by  callin'  for  pa- 
triotic speeches;  he  says  he's  willin'  to 
make  a  speech  any  day,  but  he  says  no 
one  ever  wants  to  stop  poppin'  long  enough 
to  listen  to  a  speech  on  the  Fourth  o'  July. 
He  says  too  as  it's  very  hard  to  get  a  still 
crowd  that  day  'cause  people  are  afraid  to 
get  absorbed  listenin'  for  fear  suthin'  may 
go  off  under  'em  while  they  ain't  keepin' 
watch.  Mr.  Dill  said  that  was  true,  'cause 
he  had  a  personal  experience  that  way  in 
his  own  dog;  he  says  that  dog  would  of 
made  a  fine  hunter  only  some  one  throwed  a 
torpedo  at  him  one  Fourth  o'  July,  when 
he  was  lookin'  under  a  sidewalk,  an'  after 
that  that  dog  almost  had  a  fit  if  a  sparrow 
chirped  quick  behind  him.  Mr.  Dill  said 
he  tried  to  cure  him  by  stuffin'  cotton  in 
his  ears  an'  keepin'  a  cloth  tied  neatly 
around  his  head,  but  then  he  read  in  the 
paper  about  some  deaf  German  as  when 
253 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

he  played  the  piano  always  listened  with 
his  teeth,  an'  he  said  that  just  made  him 
empty  the  cotton  right  out  of  the  dog  an' 
give  up. 

"  Mrs.  Macy  says  what  she  wants  to  know 
is  what's  Elijah  tryin'  to  get  at  anyhow. 
She  says  she  always  thought  a  barbecue 
was  a  kind  of  cake  an'  she  did  n't  know 
white  folks  ever  could  lift  their  legs  that 
high,  even  if  they  felt  to  want  to.  She  says 
the  idea  of  its  bein'  suthin'  to  eat  in  the 
woods  is  surely  most  new  to  her  an'  she 
ain't  sure  she  wants  to  eat  in  the  woods 
anyhow.  She  says  there's  always  flies  an' 
mosquitoes  in  the  woods  an'  she's  passed 
the  age  o'  likin'  to  drop  down  anywhere, 
an'  jump  up  any  time,  years  ago.  As  for 
cookin'  in  the  woods  she  says  that  part  of 
Elijah's  editorial  is  too  much  for  every  one. 
She  says  she  never  hear  of  roastin'  a  ox 
whole  in  a  pit  in  her  life ;  she  says  how  is 
the  ox  to  be  got  into  the  pit  an'  what's  to 
cook  him  while  he's  in  there  an'  when  he's 
cooked  how's  he  to  be  got  out  again  to  eat? 
254 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

She  says  she  thinks  Elijah  has  got  a  ox  an' 
a  clam  mixed  in  his  mind,  an'  a  pit  an'  a  pile. 
She  says  she  knows  they  cook  clams  in  piles 
on  the  seashore,  'cause  she 's  heard  so  from 
people  as  has  been  there,  an'  besides  she 
seen  a  picture  of  one  once. 

"  Gran 'ma  Mullins  came  up  an'  she 's  most 
awful  troubled  over  the  ox,  too.  She  says 
Hiram  is  got  such  a  name  for  bein'  strong 
now  that  she  just  knows  as  they'll  expect 
him  to  put  that  ox  into  the  pit  when  they  're 
ready  to  cook  him,  an'  then  lift  him  out 
again  when  he's  done.  She  says  it's  gettin' 
too  terrible  about  Hiram,  every  time  as 
somebody  fat  dies  anywhere  or  there's  a 
piano  to  move  or  a  barn  to  get  up  on  jack- 
screws  they  send  right  for  Hiram  to  be  one 
o'  the  pallbearers  an'  give  him  the  heaviest 
corner.  Why,  she  says  the  other  day  when 
that  refrigerator  came  for  Polly  White 
they  unloaded  it  right  onto  Hiram  from 
the  train,  an'  not  a  soul  dreamed  as  there 
was  shot  packed  in  both  sides  of  it  to  save 
rates,  until  poor  Hiram  set  it  down  to  put 
255 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

it  on  the  other  shoulder.  She  says  too, 
as  she  can't  well  see  how  a  ox  can  be  roasted 
whole  anyway;  she  says  it'll  be  a  awful 
job  gettin'  his  hair  singed  off  in  the  first 
place,  an'  she  just  knows  they'll  expect 
Hiram  to  hold  him  an'  twirl  him  while 
he's  singein'.  Then,  too,  she  says  as  the 
whole  of  a  ox  don't  want  to  be  roasted 
anyhow.  The  tongue  has  to  be  boiled  an' 
the  liver  has  to  be  sliced  an'  the  calves' 
brains  has  to  be  breaded  an'  dipped  in  egg, 
an'  after  he 's  roasted  an'  Hiram  has  got  him 
out  o'  the  pit,  who 's  to  skin  him  then,  she  'd 
like  to  know,  for  you  can't  tell  her  as  any- 
body can  eat  rawhide,  even  if  it  is  cooked. 

"Deacon  White  come  up,  an'  he  said  he 
an'  Polly  would  bring  their  own  lunch  an' 
their  own  pillow  an'  blanket  an'  hammock 
an'  look  on,  'cause  Polly  wanted  to  see  the 
fun  an'  they  were  n't  intendin'  to  have 
any  fireworks  anyhow.  He  said  he  was 
curious  about  the  ox  himself;  he  said  he 
wondered  where  they'd  get  the  ox,  an'  the 
pit,  too,  for  that  matter. 
256 


A  MAN   IN  THE  HOUSE 

"  He  said  he  wanted  it  distinctly  under- 
stood as  he  an'  Polly 'd  bring  their  own 
lunch  an'  neither  borrow  nor  lend.  He 
said  that  rule  would  apply  to  the  pillow 
an'  the  blanket  an'  the  hammock,  the  same 
as  to  the  lunch.  There  was  some  talk 
after  he  was  gone  on  how  terrible  close  he 
an'  Polly  are  both  gettin'.  Seems  kind  of 
funny,  to  be  so  savin'  when  you  ain't  got 
nobody  to  save  for,  but  the  Whites  an' 
Aliens  was  always  funny  an'  what's  bred 
in  the  flesh  always  sticks  the  bones  out 
somewhere,  as  we  all  know. 

'The  minister  come  up  an'  he  said  as 
it  says  in  the  Bible  as  when  the  ox  is  in 
the  pit  every  one  must  join  in  an'  help  him 
out,  so  he  shall  do  his  part  an'  bring  all 
his  family  with  him.  But  he  said  he  must 
remark  as  to  his  order  of  thinkin'  a  ox 
struck  him  as  a  most  singular  way  to  com- 
memorate the  day  our  forefathers  fought 
an'  bled  over.  He  says  he  should  have 
thought  a  service  o'  song  an'  a  much  to  be 
desired  donation  towards  cleainin'  out  his 
257 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

cistern  would  have  been  a  more  fittin'  way 
to  spend  the  glorious  Fourth  in,  than  fixin' 
a  ox  in  a  pit  an'  try  in'  to  bake  him  there. 
He  says  he  don't  think  it  can  be  done  any- 
how, he  says  a  ox  ain't  no  chestnut  to  stick 
in  the  ashes  till  he  bounces  out  cooked  o' 
his  own  accord. 

"  Mrs.  Fisher  says  she  sha'n't  have  no  thin' 
to  do  with  any  of  it;  they're  all  goin'  to 
the  city,  an'  Mr.  Fisher  is  goin'  to  a  lecture 
on  that  Russian  that  his  country  wants  to 
amalgamate  for  suthin'  he's  done;  an'  she 
an'  John  Bunyan  is  goin'  to  the  Hippo- 
drome. They  want  to  see  the  girl  turn 
upside  down  in  the  automobile  an'  Mrs. 
Fisher  says  she  can  hear  about  the  ox 
when  she  comes  back. 

"Mrs.  Brown  says  they  sha'n't  go,  'cause 
young  Dr.  Brown's  afraid  o'  microbes  in 
the  woods.  He's  goin'  to  disinfect  every- 
thin'  with  that  new  smell  he's  invented 
the  day  before  the  Fourth,  an'  then  they're 
goin'  to  have  huckleberry  biscuit  an'  water- 
melon an'  just  spend  a  quiet  day  waitin' 
258 


A  MAN   IN  THE  HOUSE 

for  any  accidents  as  may  maybe  come 
along.  Mrs.  Brown  says  young  Dr.  Brown  is 
always  hopin'  for  another  railroad  smash-up 
like  that  one  that  came  while  he  was  away 
studyin'.  She  says  it  always  seems  too 
bad  it  could  n't  have  come  a  year  later, 
when  he  was  just  back  with  that  handsome 
brand  new  set  of  doctor's  knives  an'  forks 
as  he  got  for  a  prize."  Susan  paused. 

"  Shall  you  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"No,  I  sha'n't.  I  ain't  interested  in  the 
Fourth  o'  July.  I  never  had  nothin'  to  do 
with  it  in  the  beginnin'  an'  I  ain't  never 
had  nothin'  to  do  with  it  since.  My  own 
idea's  always  been  as  the  Boston  people 
was  very  foolish  to  go  thro  win'  their  tea 
overboard  sooner  'n  buy  stamps.  We  all  buy 
stamps  now  an'  no  one  thinks  o'  fussin' 
over  it,  an'  I  guess  we  do  a  lot  other  things 
as  we'd  never  of  had  to  do  if  we'd  kept 
our  tea  an'  our  mouths  shut  in  the  beginnin'. 
They  say  tea  is  very  cheap  in  England  an' 
very  good,  too,  an'  heaven  knows  nothin' 
is  cheap  with  us.  Elijah  says  if  it  was  n't 
259 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

for  his  uncle  he'd  take  a  strong  stand  on 
a  low  tariff,  but  my  goodness,  it  looks  to 
me  like  he'd  better  not  meddle  with  the 
tariff  —  he's  set  the  town  by  the  ears 
enough  with  his  ox.  I  had  a  long  talk 
with  him  last  night  about  the  whole  thing. 
I  don't  know,  I'm  sure,  how  Elijah  ever  is 
goin'  to  get  on  without  me,  for  I  certainly 
do  talk  to  him  enough  to  keep  him  in  ideas 
right  straight  along.  I  was  very  kind  last 
night  —  but  I  was  firm,  too.  In  the  end 
I  broke  him  down  completely  an'  he  told 
me  as  he  never  meant  it  that  way  a  tall. 
He  says  he  only  drew  a  picture  o'  what  the 
Fourth  o'  July  was  in  olden  times.  But 
this  town  ain't  good  on  pictures,  we  take 
things  right  up  by  the  handle  an'  deal  with 
'em  a'cordin'." 

"  But  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Oh,  of  course  not,"  said  Susan,  "but 
they  can  take  him  up  by  the  tail  an'  horns, 
can't  they?" 


260 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 


CHAPTER  XVIII 

CELEBRATING    INDEPENDENCE   DAY 

WELL,"  said  Miss  Clegg  to  her  friend 
the  Sunday  after  the  Fourth,  "  I  'm 
thankful  to  say  as  the  game  is  up  to-morrow 
an'  Elijah  moves  out  of  my  house.  We 
never  had  no  Fourth  o'  July  like  this  afore 
an'  every  one  is  prayin'  as  we'll  never  have 
such  another  again.  It  was  really  very 
peaceful  in  church  this  mornin'  an'  the  col- 
lection was  thirty- two  cents,  so  that  shows 
as  folks  is  beginnin'  to  take  heart  again,  but 
you  could  see  as  they  was  all  nervous  an' 
even  the  minister  kept  lookin'  anxiously  out 
of  the  window  whenever  he  thought  as  he 
heard  a  noise.  Mr.  Weskin  says  he  thinks 
a  house  catchin'  fire  from  bein'  disinfected 
comes  under  some  head  as  lets  the  insurance 
get  paid  anyhow  an'  he  says  if  not  he  '11  take 
261 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

the  case  for  the  Browns  on  even  halves  for 
his  heart  is  full  o'  sympathy  for  'em.  The 
Browns  was  in  church  themselves  to-day, 
all  but  Amelia,  an'  I  had  the  story  from 
them  straight  for  the  first  time.  Young 
Dr.  Brown  says  he  can't  understand  any  of 
it;  he  says  the  stuff  must  be  stirred  in  a 
barrel  for  two  hours  without  stoppin'  an' 
he  says  he'll  let  any  man  breathe  a  sus- 
picion as  his  mother  stopped  after  he  once 
set  her  at  it!  Mrs.  Brown  says  she  did  n't 
stop  neither,  she  says  when  she  could  n't 
move  her  arms  any  more  for  love  or  money, 
she  stuck  the  broomstick  through  her  belt 
an'  sat  on  the  edge  o'  the  barrel  an'  kept 
the  stuff  stirrin'  so.  They  poured  in  the 
acid  right  after  breakfast,  an'  then  Dr. 
Brown  wanted  the  test  to  be  thorough,  so 
they  put  a  live  fly  in  each  room,  shut  the 
doors  between,  shut  all  the  windows,  took 
the  silver  out  on  the  lawn,  an'  then  threw 
a  match  into  the  barrel  an'  run  out  the 
coal  cellar  door. 

"Amelia  is  up  at  her  father's  an'  ain't 
262 


A  MAN   IN  THE  HOUSE 

able  to  speak  of  it  yet,  but  Mrs.  Brown 
says  her  own  view  of  it  will  always  be  as  it 
was  a  explosion.  She  says  as  she  can't  see 
how  you  could  call  it  any  thin'  else  in  the 
world.  She  says  they  was  all  sittin'  in  the 
arbor  an'  Amelia  was  just  gettin'  into  the 
hammock  an'  Dr.  Brown  was  just  beginnin' 
on  the  King  o'  Spain's  honeymoon  in  the 
paper,  with  a  picture  of  a  bullfight  to 
illustrate  it,  when  she  heard  such  a  noise 
as  she  never  will  forget  again  in  all  her 
life  to  come.  She  says  her  first  thought 
was  as  Amelia  had  bu'st  the  hammock, 
for  she  says  she  tries  to  be  kind  to  the 
bosom  wife  of  her  chosen  son,  but  Amelia 
is  surely  most  awful  hard  on  any  thin'  as 
you  get  in  an'  out  of,  but  then  she  heard 
the  second  noise,  an'  she  says  to  her  dyin' 
day  she  won't  be  able  to  swear  to  nothin' 
but  as  she  thought  it  was  San  Francisco 
quakin'  right  in  our  very  middle.  Why, 
she  says,  she  never  for  one  second  doubted 
as  it  was  a  earthquake.  The  canary-bird 
cage  come  sailin'  out  o'  the  dinin'-room 
263 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

window,  all  the  chimneys  went  down  with 
a  crash,  an'  Amelia  give  one  yell  an'  fainted. 
Mrs.  Brown  says  she  an'  young  Dr.  Brown 
did  n't  really  know  which  way  to  turn  for 
a  minute.  They  could  n't  seem  to  think 
whether  their  first  duty  was  to  shake 
Amelia  or  run  around  to  the  front  of  the 
house.  The  windows  was  blowin'  out  as 
fast  as  they  could  an'  the  most  awful 
smellin'  smoke  you  ever  smelt  was  pourin' 
out  after  them!  She  said  the  smell  was 
bad  enough  when  she  was  stirrin'  the  stuff 
in  the  barrel,  but  exploded,  it  was  just 
beyond  all  belief.  In  the  end  they  left 
Amelia  an'  run  'round  behind  the  house  an' 
if  there  was  n't  all  the  kitchen  stove  lids 
comin'  bangin'  out  at  'em  an'  all  the  feathers 
from  the  pillows  just  rainin'  down  like 
snow!  They  run  aroun'  to  the  side  an' 
there  was  Amelia's  sheets  o'  music  all  over 
the  lawn  an'  jars  o'  pickles  with  the  glass 
lids  gone,  an'  jelly  tumblers  an'  weddin' 
gold-rimmed  china,  an'  in  front  an'  on  top 
of  all  else  if  the  fire  did  n't  bu'st  out! 
264 


A  MAN  IN  THE   HOUSE 

"  Dr.  Brown  run  for  the  fire  engine  then 
an'  every  one  was  at  home  gettin'  ready 
for  the  picnic  an'  there  wa'n't  no  one  down 
town  a  tall.  He  was  all  of  ten  minutes 
findin'  any  one  an'  when  he  found  him  it 
was  only  Mr.  Shores,  an'  Mrs.  Brown  says 
as  gettin'  out  a  fire  engine  with  Mr.  Shores 
an'  your  house  burnin'  is  suthin'  as  she 
trusts  will  never  be  her  lot  again.  She  says 
Mr.  Shores  would  n't  lay  hold  o'  the  engine 
till  after  the  cover  was  folded  up  neatly 
an'  then  he  wanted  to  dust  the  wheels  afore 
runnin'  it  out.  Then  after  it  was  run  out 
an'  got  to  the  house,  if  there  wa'n't  no  hose, 
an'  Dr.  Brown  had  to  run  away  back  to  the 
engine  house  for  the  hose  an'  while  he  was 
runnin'  he  met  John  Bunyan  runnin'  too 
an'  John  Bunyan  told  him  as  the  hose  was 
kept  coiled  up  in  the  part  as  sticks  up 
behind  the  engine  like  a  can.  So  they  run 
back  together  an'  got  it  out  an'  run  with 
it  to  the  well  an'  Dr.  Brown  was  so  excited 
he  dropped  the  hose  in  the  well.  Mrs. 
Brown  says  she  was  nigh  too  mad  by  this 
265 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

time  with  the  house  explodin'  all  over 
again  every  few  minutes  an'  things  as  you 
never  have  around  comin'  sailin'  out  o' 
the  windows  right  in  people's  faces  when 
they  was  only  there  to  be  neighborly  an' 
look  on.  She  was  runnin'  back  an'  forth 
an'  explainin'  as  it  was  n't  for  want  o' 
stirrin',  for  she  stirred  it  herself,  when 
Sam  Duruy  come  runnin'  an'  seems  there's 
always  another  hose  tied  up  under  the 
engine  an'  he  unhooked  that  an'  John 
Bunyan  built  a  fire  in  the  hole  for  fire  while 
they  fixed  the  new  hose  in  the  cistern,  but 
oh  my,  the  house  was  too  far  gone  to  be 
saved  by  that  time.  So  they  pumped 
some  on  Amelia  just  to  try  the  hose,  an' 
then  they  helped  pick  up  the  things  as 
was  bio  wed  out  of  the  windows.  Mrs. 
Brown  says  it  was  all  most  awful  an'  she 
knows  from  her  son's  face  as  he  thinks  it 
was  all  because  she  stopped  stirrin'  some- 
times durin'  the  two  hours  an'  she  declares 
with  tears  as  she  never  stopped  stirrin' 
once  —  not  once. 

266 


A  MAN  IN  THE   HOUSE 

"  Mrs.  Fisher  says  the  way  people  is  sick 
from  the  smell  shows  as  all  the  flies  they 
put  in  the  rooms  must  of  surely  been  killed, 
so  the  experiment's  a  success  in  one  way 
at  least.  Mrs.  Fisher  walked  part  way 
home  with  me  an'  we  had  a  nice  talk  about 
the  Browns.  She  says  the  Browns  is  most 
amusin'  always  in  the  ways  they  use  flies; 
she  says  when  young  Dr.  Brown  was  little, 
Mrs.  Brown  used  to  put  a  fly  in  the  sugar- 
box  when  she  went  down  to  the  square 
for  things  so  she  could  tell  when  she  come 
back  whether  he'd  been  at  the  sugar,  an' 
so  let  the  fly  out.  She  says  young  Dr. 
Brown  cured  her  o'  that  happy  thought 
by  takin'  the  fly  out  himself  when  she  was 
down  town  one  time  an'  puttin'  a  mad 
bee  in  instead.  She  says  she  guesses  Dr. 
Brown  has  given  her  many  a  little  lesson 
like  that  or  he'd  never  be  able  to  keep 
her  stirrin'  any  thin'  as  smells  for  two 
hours." 

"Where  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

''Well,  the  Fitches  took  Amelia  an'  her 
267 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

husband  of  course  an'  Mrs.  Brown  is  goin' 
over  to  Meadville  to-morrow.  Mrs.  Macy 
says  maybe  old  Dr.  Carter  will  marry  her 
now  as  she  ain't  got  any  house  to  be  attached 
to.  I  don't  see  why  that  would  n't  be  a 
good  end  for  Mrs.  Brown,  she  can  step  right 
into  Mrs.  Carter's  shoes  —  an'  her  clothes, 
too,  for  that  matter,  for  he  never  give  away 
a  thing  when  she  died.  Yes,  he  did,  too, 
though,  she  wanted  her  nieces  to  have  a 
souvenir  an'  he  give  one  the  waist  an'  the 
other  the  skirt  to  the  same  dress,  but  Mrs. 
Fisher  says  what  he  would  n't  give  away 
to  no  man  for  love  or  money  was  all  her 
union  underwear  for  winter.  Seems  she 
always  wore  the  best  an'  finest,  an'  when 
she  died  Dr.  Carter  said  he  'd  keep  all  them 
union  suits  an'  wear  'em  out  himself." 

"  I  --  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"No,  an'  I  wouldn't  either,"  said  Miss 
Clegg;  "there  wouldn't  be  no  comfort 
marryin'  a  man  whose  first  wife  could  n't 
call  even  her  union  suits  her  own  after  she 
died,  not  to  my  order  of  thinkin'." 
268 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

"  Was  —  "  asked  her  friend. 

"Oh,  the  picnic?"  said  Susan,  "no,  that 
was  n't  a  success  a  tall.  They  spread  the 
tablecloth  over  a  flyin'  ant  nest  in  the 
first  place  an'  Mrs.  Macy  says  shad  bones 
is  no  thin'  to  the  pickin'  out  as  they  had 
to  do  while  eatin'  as  a  consequence.  She 
says  they  very  soon  found  out  as  they  was 
under  a  wood-tick  tree  too,  an'  the  children 
run  into  a  burr-patch  after  dinner.  The 
minister  tried  to  teach  the  twins  to  fish 
an'  the  bank  caved  in  with  'em  all  three, 
an'  the  minister  had  to  go  all  the  way  home 
that  way.  Gran 'ma  Mullins  got  a  gnat 
in  her  eye  an'  Hiram  walked  way  back  to 
town  for  a  flaxseed  to  put  in  it  to  get  the 
gnat  out,  an'  crossin'  the  bridge  he  sneezed 
an'  the  flaxseed  just  disappeared  com- 
pletely, an'  Lucy  would  n't  let  him  go 
back  again,  so  all  she  could  do  was  to  keep 
a-rubbin'  till  finally  she  rubbed  it  out.  Mr. 
Dill  climbed  up  a  tree  to  show  as  he  could 
still  climb  up  a  tree  an'  a  branch  broke  an' 
tore  him  so  bad  he  had  to  walk  home  with 
269 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

the  minister,  —  I  guess  every  one 's  glad 
the  Fourth's  over." 

" How's  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Elijah?  Oh,  he  went  to  town  for  the 
day.  He  says  it's  him  for  town  when 
there  's  any  thin'  goin'  on  in  the  country. 
He  come  back  lookin'  like  he'd  really  en- 
joyed himself,  but  I  was  afraid  he  was 
goin'  to  have  a  fever  at  first  he  talked  so 
queer  in  his  sleep  that  night  an'  began  all 
his  sentences  with  'Here's  to  —  '  an'  then 
stopped  in  a  most  curious  way.  I  was  very 
much  relieved  when  I  see  him  come  down- 
stairs the  next  mornin',  only  his  appetite 
ain't  what  it  was  yet." 

"  May  —  "  suggested  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  Oh,  I  don't  think  so.  There  ain't  any 
one  for  him  to  be  in  love  with  anyhow 
unless  it's  'Liza  Em'ly.  He's  really  too 
smart  for  any  girl  in  this  community  an' 
he  ain't  got  a  single  picture  among  his 
things  nor  a  letter  as  I  don't  know  who 
wrote  it.  I  thought  at  first  as  he  used  to 
call  'Annie'  in  his  sleep  the  nights  after 
270 


A  MAN   IN  THE  HOUSE 

we  have  dumplin's,  but  it  ain't  'Annie' 
he  says;  it's  'Aunty,'  an'  heaven  knows 
a  aunt  never  broke  no  man's  heart  yet." 

Susan  rose  to  go  home. 

"I'm  glad  the  Fourth's  over,  anyway," 
she  said  as  she  took  up  her  parasol  and 
mitts.  "  I  think  it 's  always  a  great  strain 
on  the  country,  but  even  if  no  one  never 
likes  it  nor  enjoys  it,  I  suppose  we  must 
keep  on  havin'  it  with  us  year  after  year, 
for  Elijah  says  as,  as  a  nation,  we're  so 
proud  o'  bein'  ahead  o'  every  thin'  an' 
everybody,  that  we  '11  die  afore  we  '11  go  on 
one  step  further.  He  says  what's  one  day 
o'  terror  a  year  beside  the  idea  as  we're 
free  to  do  as  we  please.  Gran 'ma  Mullins 
says  all  she  can  say  is  as  she  thanks  God 
for  every  Fourth  o'  July  as  leaves  Hiram 
whole,  for  he's  the  only  apple  she's  got  for 
her  eye  an'  she'd  go  stark  ravin'  mad  if 
any  thin'  was  to  tear  him  apart  in  the  dream 
of  his  youth." 

"Did — "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop,  solicit- 
ously. 

271 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

"Well,  I  can't  stop  to  see  if  I  did  or 
didn't  now,"  said  Miss  Clegg  ;  "to-night's 
my  last  evenin'  with  Elijah  an'  I  told  him 
to  be  sure  an'  be  home  early.  We'll  try 
an'  part  pleasantly  even  though  I  should 
be  mighty  mad  at  him  if  I  thought  as  he 
was  half  as  glad  to  go  as  I  am  to  get  rid  of 
him.  I  don't  like  the  ways  of  a  man  in  the 
house,  Mrs.  Lathrop, — they  seem  to  act 
like  they  thought  you  enjoyed  havin'  'em 
around.  I  can't  see  where  they  ever  got 
the  idea  in  the  lirst  place,  but  it  certainly 
does  seem  to  stick  by  'em  most  wonderful." 

"  There  -    "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

Susan  turned  her  head. 

"Yes,  that's  him  comin',"  she  said; 
"well,  now  I  must  go,  Mrs.  Lathrop.  I'll 
come  over  to-morrow  an'  tell  you  when  I  'm 
free  of  him,  bag  an'  baggage." 

"  Yes,"  said  Mrs.  Lathrop,  "  I  -  -  " 

"Yes,  I  do,  too,"  said  Miss  Clegg,  "but 
you  see  I  said  for  three  months  an'  the 
three  months  ain't  up  till  to-morrow." 


272 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 


CHAPTER  XIX 

EXIT  THE  MAN  OUT  OF  SUSAN  CLEGG's  HOUSE 

WELL,  Mrs.  Lathrop,"  said  Miss 
Clegg,  coming  over  the  evening 
after,  weary  but  triumphant,  "Elijah  is 
gone  an'  I  tell  you  I  '11  never  be  too  tender- 
hearted for  my  own  good  again.  I  won't 
say  but  what  it  was  me  an'  nobody  else  as 
brought  him  down  on  my  own  head,  but 
I  must  fully  an'  freely  state  as  it's  certainly 
been  me  an'  no  one  else  as  has  had  to  hold 
my  own  head  up  under  him.  An'  he  has 
been  a  load! 

"  Why,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  do  you  know  that 
man's  stockin's  alone  has  took  me  about  one 
mornin'  a  week,  an'  as  to  buttons  —  well,  I 
never  knew  a  editor  could  bu'st  'em  off  so 
fast.  An'  as  to  put  tin'  away  what  he  took 
off,  or  foldin'  back  things  into  the  drawer 
273 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

where  they  belongs,  why,  a  monkey  swingin* 
upside  down  by  his  tail  is  busy  carefully 
keepin'  house  compared  to  Elijah  Doxey. 

"I  never  see  such  a  man  afore!  If 
Hiram's  anythin'  like  him  I  don't  blame 
Lucy  for  battin'  him  about  as  she  does. 
I  did  n't  suppose  such  ways  could  be  lived 
with  in  oneself.  An'  that  table  where  he 
wrote!  Well!  I  tell  you  I've  got  it  cleared 
off  to-night  an'  my  clean  curtains  folded  off 
on  it,  an'  no  man  never  sets  foot  on  it  again, 
I  can  tell  you  that. 

"I  won't  say  as  it  wa'n't  a  little  try  in' 
gettin'  him  off  to-day  an'  I  did  feel  to  feel 
real  sober  while  I  was  hangin'  his  mattress 
back  to  the  rafters  in  the  attic,  but  when  I 
remembered  as  I'd  never  see  them  bed- 
clothes kicked  out  at  the  foot  again  I 
cheered  up  amazin'.  Mrs.  Brown  come 
in  just  afore  supper  an'  she  seemed  to 
think  it  was  some  queer  as  I  was  n't  goin' 
to  miss  Elijah,  but  I  told  her  she  did  n't 
know  me.  '  Mrs.  Brown, '  I  says,  '  your  son 
was  a  doctor  an'  you  can't  be  expected  to 
274 


A  MAN  IN  THE   HOUSE 

know  what  it  is  to  board  a  editor,  so  once 
bit,  soonest  mended.  She's  mournin'  over 
her  burnt  house  yet,  so  she  could  n't  really 
feel  to  sympathize  with  me,  but  I  had  n't 
time  to  stop  an'  mourn  with  her,  —  I  was 
too  busy  packin'  away  Elijah's  toilet  set. 

"  He  got  a  good  deal  of  ink  around  the 
room,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  an'  I  shall  make  Mr. 
Kimball  give  me  a  bottle  of  ink-remover 
free,  seein'  as  he's  his  nephew;  but  I 
don't  see  as  he  done  any  other  real  damage. 
I  looked  the  room  over  pretty  sharp  an' 
I  can't  find  nothin'  wrong  with  it.  I  shall 
burn  a  sulphur  candle  in  there  to-morrow 
an'  then  wash  out  the  bureau  drawers  an' 
I  guess  then  as  the  taste  of  Elijah '11  be 
pretty  well  out  of  my  mouth. 

"I'm  sure  I  don't  know  what  we're 
comin'  to  as  to  men,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  for  I 
must  say  they  seem  more  extra  in  the  world 
every  day.  Most  every  thin'  as  they  do 
the  women  is  able  to  do  better  now,  an' 
women  is  so  willin'  to  be  pleasant  about  it, 
too.  Not  as  Elijah  was  n't  pleasant  —  I 
275 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

never  see  a  more  pleasant  young  man,  but 
he  had  a  way  of  comin'  in  with  muddy 
boots  an'  a  smile  on  his  face  as  makes  me 
nothin'  but  glad  as  he's  left  my  house  an' 
gone  to  Polly  White's." 

"Won't  you  -    "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"  No,  I  won't,  —  not  if  I  know  myself. 
I  ain't  never  been  lonesome  afore  in  my 
life  an'  I  ain't  goin'  to  begin  now.  Bern' 
lonesome  is  very  fine  for  them  as  keeps  a 
girl  to  do  their  work,  but  I  have  to  slave 
all  day  long  if  there's  anybody  but  me 
around  the  house,  an'  I  don't  like  to  slave. 
I  guess  Elijah's  expectin'  to  be  lonesome 
though,  for  he  asked  me  if  I'd  mind  his 
comin'  up  an'  talkin'  over  the  Personal 
column  with  me  sometimes.  I  could  see 
as  he  was  more  'n  a  little  worried  over  how 
under  the  sun  he  was  goin'  to  run  the 
paper  without  me.  As  a  matter  of  fact, 
Mrs.  Lathrop,  I've  been  the  main  stay  of 
that  paper  right  from  the  first.  Not  to 
speak  o'  boardin'  the  editor,  I  've  supplied 
most  o'  the  brains  as  run  it.  You  know 
276 


A  MAN   IN  THE   HOUSE 

as  I  never  am  much  of  a  talker,  but  I  did 
try  to  keep  Elijah  posted  as  to  how  things 
was  goin'  on  an'  the  feelin'  as  no  matter 
what  I  said,  it  was  him  an'  not  me  as 
would  be  blamed  if  there  was  trouble, 
always  kept  up  my  courage.  There's  a 
many  nights  as  I  've  kept  him  at  his  work 
an'  a  many  others  as  I've  held  him  down 
to  it.  Elijah  has  n't  been  a  easy  young 
man  to  manage,  I  can  tell  you." 

Susan  stopped  and  sighed. 

"  I  like  to  think  how  he 's  goin'  to  miss  me 
now,"  she  said,  "  I  made  him  awful  comfort- 
able. Polly  '11  never  do  all  the  little  things 
as  I  did.  It 's  a  great  satisfaction  when  a 
man  leaves  your  house,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  to 
know  as  he'll  be  bound  to  wish  himself 
back  there  many  an'  many  time." 

"What-    "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Oh,  I'll  find  plenty  to  do,"  said  Susan 
Clegg,  "it  ain't  made  a  mite  of  difference 
in  my  life.  I  shall  go  on  livin'  just  the 
same  as  ever.  Nothin's  changed  for  me 
just  because  for  three  months  I  had  a  man 
277 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 

in  the  house.  I  ain't  even  altered  my 
general  views  o'  men  any,  for  land  knows 
Elijah  wa'n't  so  different  from  the  rest  of 
them  that  he  could  teach  me  much  as  is  new. 
I  ain't  never  intended  to  get  married  any- 
way, so  he  ain't  destroyed  my  ideals  none, 
an'  I  told  Mr.  Kimball  when  I  took  him 
as  I'd  agree  to  keep  him  three  months  an' 
I  would  n't  agree  for  love  or  money  to  keep 
him  any  longer,  an'  I  've  kept  him  for  three 
months  an'  no  love  or  money  could  of  made 
me  keep  him  a  day  longer." 

"  Did  n't  you  —  "  asked  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Why,  yes,  I  liked  him,"  said  Susan, 
"there  were  spots  durin'  the  time  when  I 
felt  to  be  real  fond  of  him,  but  laws,  that 
did  n't  make  me  want  to  have  him  around 
any  more  than  I  had  to.  But  you  know 
as  well  as  I  do  that  a  woman  can  like  a 
man  very  much  an'  still  be  happiest  when 
she  ain't  got  him  on  her  hands  to  fuss  with. 
I  was  n't  built  to  fuss,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  as 
you  know  to  your  cost,  for  if  I  had  been 
I'd  of  been  over  here  two  days  a  week 
278 


A  MAN  IN  THE  HOUSE 

tidy  in'  up  out  of  pure  friendship,  for  the 
last  twenty  years.  But  no,  I  ain't  like 
that  —  never  was  an'  never  will  be  —  an' 
I  ain't  one  to  go  pitchin'  my  life  hither  an' 
yon  an'  dancin'  wildly  first  on  one  leg  an' 
then  the  other  from  dawn  to  dusk  for  other 
people .  Eli j  ah '  s  come  an '  Eli j  ah '  s  gone  an ' 
his  mattress  is  hung  back  to  the  rafter  in 
the  attic  an'  his  sulphur  candle  is  all  bought 
to  burn  to-morrow  an'  when  that's  over 
an'  the  smell's  over  too  I  shall  look  to 
settle  down  an'  not  have  nothin'  more  to 
upset  my  days  an'  nights  till  your  time 
comes,  Mrs.  Lathrop,  an'  I  hope  to  good- 
ness as  it  won't  come  in  the  night,  for 
boardin'  a  editor  has  put  me  all  at  outs 
with  night  work." 

"  I  —  "  said  Mrs.  Lathrop. 

"Well,  if  you  say  so,  I'll  believe  it,"  said 
Miss  Clegg;  "for  I  will  say  this  for  you, 
Mrs.  Lathrop,  an'  that  is  as  with  all  your 
faults  you've  never  yet  told  me  nothin'  as 
I've  found  out  from  others  afterwards 
wasn't  true." 

279 


A  Masterpiece  of  Native  Humor 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND  HER 
FRIEND  MRS.  LATHROP 


By  ANNE  WARNER 

Author  of  "A  Woman's  Will,"  etc. 

With  Frontispiece.     227  pages.     12mo.     $1.00. 

IT  is  seldom  a  book  so  full  of  delightful  humor  comes 
before  the  reader.    Anne  Warner  takes  her  place  in  the 
circle  of  American  woman  humorists,  who  have  achieved 
distinction  so  rapidly  within  recent  years. — Brooklyn  Eagle. 

Nothing  better  in  the  new  homely  philosophy  style  of 
fiction  has  been  written. — San  Francisco  Bulletin. 

Anne  Warner  has  given  us  the  rare  delight  of  a  book 
that  is  extremely  funny.  Hearty  laughter  is  in  store  for 
every  reader. — Philadelphia  Public  Ledger. 

Susan  is  a  positive  contribution  to  the  American  char- 
acters in  fiction. — Brooklyn  Times. 

Susan  Clegg  is  a  living  creature,  quite  as  amusing  and 
even  more  plausible  than  Mrs.  Wiggs.  Susan's  human 
weaknesses  are  endearing,  and  we  find  ourselves  in  sym- 
pathy with  her. — New  York  Evening  Post. 

No  more  original  or  quaint  person  than  she  has  ever 
lived  in  fiction. — Newark  Advertiser. 


LITTLE,  BROWN,  &  CO.,  PUBLISHERS,  BOSTON 

At  all  Booksellers' 


Another  Popular  "  Susan  Clegg  "  Book 


SUSAN  CLEGG  AND 
HER  NEIGHBORS'  AFFAIRS 


By   ANNE   WARNER 

With  frontispiece.     12mo.     Cloth,  $1.00 


All  the  stories  brim  over  with  quaint  humor,  caustic 
sarcasm,  and  concealed  contempt  for  male  folk  and  matri- 
monial chains.  —  Philadelphia  Ledger. 

Anything  more  humorous  than  the  "  Susan  Clegg  "  stories 
would  be  hard  to  find.  —  Jeannette  L.  Gilder,  Editor  of 
Putnam's  Magazine. 

The  best  work  that  Anne  Warner  has  published.  Miss 
Clegg  has  become  an  institution  in  the  humor  of  America. 
—  Baltimore  Sun. 

Her  "  Susan  Clegg  "  stories,  rich  in  pungent  humor  and 
extremely  clever  in  their  portrayal  of  quaint  and  amusing 
character,  deserve  a  place  among  the  choice  specimens  of 
American  humorous  literature  —  which  means  the  best 
humorous  literature  in  the  world.  —  New  York  Times. 

Sure  to  be  welcomed  by  that  large  class  of  readers  who 
found  in  "  Susan  Clegg  and  Her  Friend  Mrs.  Lathrop  "  one 
of  the  most  genuinely  humorous  books  ever  written  by  a 
woman  on  this  side  of  the  Atlantic.  —  St.  Louis  Globe- 
Democrat. 


LITTLE,  BROWN,  &   CO.,  PUBLISHERS 
254  WASHINGTON  STREET,  BOSTON 


A  New  Story  ty  iKi  Author  of  "  Susan  CUgg  " 


THE  REJUVENATION 
OF  AUNT  MARY 


By  ANNE  WARNER 

Author  of  "  Susan  Clegg  and  Her  Friend  I!rs.  Lathrop," 
"  A  Woman's  Will,"  etc. 

With  four  full  page  illustrations. 
12mo.     Decorated  cloth,  $1.60. 

This  very  clever  and  original  story  by  the  creator  of 
"Susan  Clegg"  will  add  materially  to  her  reputation  as 
a  writer  of  popular  fiction.  "Aunt  Mary"  and  her 
adventures  in  New  York  are  simply  delicious ;  and  her 
nephew,  Jack,  and  his  college  friends,  who  personally 
conduct  her  through  the  metropolis,  are  brimful  of 
brightness  and  humor.  A  pretty  love  story  runs  through, 
the  book.  "Aunt  Mary's"  magazine  debut  delighted 
thousands  of  readers,  and  the  publication  of  the  story  in 
a  more  permanent  form,  with  new  chapters,  and  scenes, 
will  increase  her  popularity. 

Anne  Warner  takes  her  place  in  the  circle  of  American 
woman  humorists,  who  have  achieved  distinction  so  rapidly 
within  recent  years. — Brooklyn  Eagle. 

Anne  Warner  is  not  only  a  funmaker  but  adds  to  that  the 
quality  of  sympathy  with  her  characters. — Public  Opinion. 


LITTLE,  BROWN,  &  CO.,  PUBLISHERS,  BOSTON 

At  all  Booksellers' 


An  International  Lave  Comedy 


A  WOMAN'S  WILL 


By  ANNE  WARNER 
Author  of  "  Susan  Clegg  and  Her  Friend  Mrs.  Lathrop." 

IT  is  a  relief  to  take  up  a  volume  so  absolutely  free  from 
stressfulness.       The   love-making  is  passionate,  the 
humor  of  much  of  the  conversation  is  thoroughly  delightful. 
The  book  is  as  refreshing  a  bit  of  fiction  as  one  often  finds ; 
there  is  not  a  dull  page  in  it. — Providence  Journal. 

It  is  bright,  charming,  and  intense  as  it  describes  the 
wooing  of  a  young  American  widow  on  the  European 
Continent  by  a  German  musical  genius. — San  Francisco 
Chronicle. 

A  deliciously  funny  book. — Chicago  Tribune. 

There  is  a  laugh  on  nearly  every  page. — New  York  Times. 

Most  decidedly  an  unusual  story.  The  dialogue  is  nothing 
if  not  original,  and  the  characters  are  very  unique.  There 
is  something  striking  on  every  page  of  the  book. — Newark 
Advertiser. 

A  more  vivacious  light  novel  could  not  be  found. — Chicago 
Record-Herald. 

Illustrated  by  I.  H.  Caliga.     360  pages.     12mo. 
Decorated  cloth,  $1.50. 


LITTLE,   BROWN,  fcf   CO.,  PUBLISHERS,  BOSTON 
At  all  Booksellers 


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